(Presented by Facebook, NFL.com, Char-Broil Grills, The Idiocy of Marriage, and Henry Willard’s Private Reserve)
Thanks to the Chicago Bears wheeling-and-dealing their way out of the first two rounds, I didn’t have a vested interest in day one of the NFL draft. But the first half of the first round did entertain me enough to annoy my Facebook friends with constant updates of my thoughts, which most likely compelled all but the most loyal friends to either de-friend me or remove my updates from their newsfeeds.
Of course, my wife kept me on her FB list, but only because she was too busy preparing for her favorite annual event; shopping-away the tax-return. She specifically targeted a new gas grill that I unwittingly agreed to assemble during day one of the NFL draft. I say unwittingly because I vaguely recall agreeing to assemble the contraption in exchange for a case of beer, but she knows that I’ll agree to almost anything to keep her from blocking the television or drowning-out the announcers with her drama-riddled mom’s group gossip. So basically, I’m claiming that I was tricked into cutting my draft-coverage short, but at least I got booze as a consolation prize.
But enough about my whining. Here are my random observations. Actual FB feeds in bold font:
Matthew Stafford to the Lions, 1st overall. Only time will tell if he’s capable of continuing the Lions’ long and rich tradition of sucking-ass. – Sat at 1:06pm – Before this pick I pondered to my wife, “You know… the Lions need an infusion of talent in nearly every position. I wonder if they will be smart enough to trade down so they can gather more picks?”
While pulling on her favorite shopping shirt, she replied, “That’s the team that hired Matt Millen and stuck with him until they developed enough ‘talent’ to become the first 0-16 team, right? And you’re expecting them to do something smart?” I cut our conversation short because I suddenly had to go potty (Ever since the Matt Millen era, pondering the Lions plight always results in an urgent need to release my bowels. They’re like psychological dietary fiber.)
After I returned from the bathroom, my wife told me that a reporter posed my question to the current Lions GM after the pick was made. Apparently, the Lions GM made a face as if to say, “Wait a sec. You mean we can do that?” Then he threw a smoke bomb and ascended to the rafters with a concealed grapple-gun to make his escape. Well, OK, not really, but wouldn’t that be cool if it actually happened?
Matthew Stafford: “I love a challenge…” Uhm… Yeah… good luck with that. – Sat at 1:07pm – Other notable trailblazers who loved a challenge: General Custer, David Koresh, the designer of the Hindenburg, Matt Millen.
My decision for which blowhard pundits to watch has been made for me by Keyshawn Johnson and Steve Young beginning their broadcast by shouting their opinions at one another. Dude, take it easy! You two are going to be on-air for the next two hours! I’m switching from ESPN to NFL Network. – Sat at 1:14pm – Speaking of which, did you know that as of May 1st, Comcast cable will no longer carry the NFL Network? Frankly, I’m outraged at the greed and inflexibility of both the NFL and Comcast for failing to compromise and come to some form of solution. I should boycott them both out of principle, but in reality, I’m destined to follow the NFL to Direct TV. Yes, I have no shame. I am a sports junkie, and pro-football is my crystal meth.
1st round, 2nd pick: The St. Louis Rams select OT Jason Smith. This kid looks like he’s ready to ditch the suit, grab his pads, and start playing right now. He scares me. – Sat at 1:20pm – Smith literally went from weeping tears of joy to thanking God to looking as if he would pulverize the first thing that moved — within the span of about 12 seconds. I haven’t seen this level of intensity since Kevin Garnet appeared poised to decapitate Joakim Noah from the stands while in a business suit.
3rd pick: Kansas City Chiefs select DE Tyson Jackson from LSU. Cut to LSU stock-footage of Jackson slamming opponents to the ground and angrily stomping around afterwards. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is a good pick. – Sat at 1:30pm – Well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to witness him battle Jason Smith in a “rock/paper/scissor” contest.
4th pick: Seattle Seahawks select LB Aaron Curry from Wake Forrest. The Seahawks LB crew just went from good to scary good. – Sat at 1:34pm – Curry joins a deep crop of LB’s anchored by perennial pro-bowler Lofa Tatupu, while Tatupu gets an additional physical presence on the field and a much-needed designated driver.
5th pick: New York Jets (Traded from Cleveland for 2 picks, 2 players, and fuzzy dice) select QB Mark Sanchez, USC. Elated obnoxious Jet fans ejaculate all over Radio City Music Hall. – Sat at 1:58pm – Say, whatever happened to that other QB who led the Jets to a 9-7 record while throwing 22 touchdowns and 22 interceptions? I forget his name, but I remember that he was comfortable in jeans that last. I’m sure it will come to me later.
6th pick: Cincinnati Bengals select OT Andre Smith, Alabama. Apparently, Bengals coaching staff is buying into the radical concept of actually protecting their QB. – Sat at 2:01pm – Carson Palmer was sacked so often last year that his offensive line should’ve donated a portion of their checks to his psychological counseling. They should probably throw-in a kick-back to fund Chad OchoCinco’s Zoloft prescription since he’s chained to this putrid offense for the remainder of his career.
7th pick: Oakland Raiders select WR Darrius Heyword-Bey, Maryland, perplexing many pundits. Apparently, Al Davis values speed over skill or talent, which explains the state of the Raiders in recent years. – Sat at 2:05pm – If there’s ever a drill created for the fastest team to Christmas and offseason vacation, I’m putting my money on this one. Seriously, I really am mystified by this pick. I mean… I’m not a Raiders fan, but what the hell, man? I asked my flag football QB and die-hard Raiders fan Trevor for additional insight, but all I got was a swear-word that rhymes with truck.
8th pick: Jacksonville Jaguars select OT Eugene Monroe, Virginia. – Sat 2:07pm – At this point, my wife texted me that she’s on her way home with a new grill and a case of beer. Yeah, so I was about to be inconvenienced. I suppose it could’ve been much worse. It’s not like I was sitting outside of a department store dressing room holding a purse while slowly losing the will to live.
NFL Network is now treating us to regular footage of WR Michael Crabtree seething/pouting in the green room after falling at least 8 picks (and counting).- Sat 2:10pm – Never one to pass-up an opportunity for shameless self-promotion, NFL Network analyst Deion Sanders interviewed Crabtree to see if his feelings were hurt after falling so far in the picks. Crabtree’s attempt at maintaining professionalism was commendable, if not very convincing.
Commercial break: The sham-wow/slap-chop guy: “You’re gonna love my nuts!” After his arrest for battering a prostitute, nearly every time I hear this commercial, I giggle. – Sat 2:24pm – Ironically, and my wife can attest to this, the very first time I saw him peddling his magical rags, I said to Bookie, “Look at that guy… he just doesn’t track right with me. Just looking at him makes my skin crawl. He looks like the kind of guy who might end-up getting caught beating-up a hooker in an expensive hotel…” And verily, it came to pass…
9th pick: Green Bay Packers select DT B.J. Raji, BC. Queue the weird “Go Pack Go!” chant/porn music. Packer fans are odd-ducks. – Sat 2:17pm – Important note: My wife is almost near the parking lot. This meaningless update has been brought to you by the “Slap-Chop” on my lapsing sanity. Marriage: Because you’re way too rational and comfortable with yourself to remain single. Just put the ring on and watch the craziness instantly soak into your pores! You’ll be batshit-insane in minutes, or your money back!
10th pick: San Francisco 49ers select WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech. Remember: Al Davis passed on him at the 7th pick, opting to pick for speed instead of talent. I’ll pause while Raider fans commit ritual suicide. – Sat 2:28pm – Speaking of which, I should probably check-up on Trevor to make sure he’s not driving down I-5 from Seattle to Oakland wearing an adult-diaper with the purpose of taking a monkey-wrench to Al Davis’ cranium.
11th pick: Buffalo Bills select DE Aaron Maybin, Penn state. The city of Toronto will love him once the bankrupt Bills are forced to move there. – Sat 2:31pm – The grill is here! It’s in the car, waiting to be brought up. That’s what my wife said. The grill is “waiting to be brought up”, you know, as if it has the cognitive abilities to form feelings of abandonment while languishing in the trunk of the car. A more accurate statement would have been that she is waiting for me to get off my ass and haul that contraption into the apartment and do her bidding instead of, you know, enjoying myself. I got moving pretty quickly though, since everyone knows it’s rude to keep a grill waiting in a car.
12th pick: Denver Broncos select RB Knowshon Moreno, Georgia. – Sat 2:33pm – My friend John left a comment regarding Moreno: “Wuss. Can’t win unless his opponents are injured.” Full disclosure: John is a Florida Gator alumni and die-hard Gator fan, so there might have been a smidge of collegiate bias in his statement. Just a wee-bit.
15th pick: Houston Texans select LB Brian Cushing, USC. The Texans defense just got a lot scarier. – Sat 2:46pm – Wait a sec… what happened to picks 13 and 14? Well, I posted them between reading the grill assembly instructions, and this is right about where my rational, higher-brain functions melted into “F#$K YOUR GRILL!” mode. Something had to give, so I abandoned my Facebooking, grabbed a brew, and settled into my task in earnest.
So what have we learned?
1. Facebook is the Devil.
2. Women sneak tasks upon their husbands while distracted by sports, basically just to screw with their heads and assert their dominance.
3. Al Davis is officially insane and should be chained within the pig-fecal/methane refinery like Master after Blaster was killed in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
3. Almost anything can be smoothed-over with a cold beer.