NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks: The Worst That Can Happen

As always, home team is in CAPS.

Baltimore Ravens +3.0 over TENNESSEE TITANS
Upset Special: I expected the Ravens defense to single-handedly defeat the Dolphins last week, and they did. But I didn’t anticipate them to impose their will in such a ferocious, dominating fashion. Baltimore takes their band of purple terror on the road to face a team built in similar fashion (Solid running game, dominating defense, game-managing QB who is only asked not to screw-up).

On paper, Tennessee has the advantage. The experience of Titans veteran QB Kerry Collins seems to trump Rookie QB Joe Flacco’s youthful exuberance, especially after Flacco’s shaky performance against the Dolphins. Flacco will be on the road again, this time in a cooler, more hostile environment. The tealeaves say advantage: Titans.

But… (NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks continues here)

Week 17 NFL Picks: Christmas Loot

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and safe Christmas, happy Hanukkah, festive Festivus, or an enjoyable time participating in whatever holiday you subscribe to, even the pagan goat horn-blowing, barking at the moon ones. Before I get to the final weekly NFL picks of the regular season, here’s a tally of some of my notable Christmas loot:

Chicago Bears fleece zip-up hoodie and skully – This is the pinnacle of all gifts for me. If you’re a friend, a loved one, or just a stranger with the need to bribe me, simply purchase me an XXL Chicago Bear hoodie and I am instantly in your debt. It doesn’t even matter if I already have the hoodie you just bought. It just makes it easier to cycle through the laundry. Let me speak plainly; I can never have too many Chicago Bears hoodies.

The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human (Paperback) – This is the gift that keeps on giving. It is an unauthorized publishing of a collection of the funnier Chuck Norris jokes filtering throughout the internet. Through the kindness of my wife, my trips to the crapper are once again a hilarious experience. Speaking of which…

Pooping Santa candy dispenser – Simply described, this is a plastic recreation of a giddy, squatting Santa dispensing chocolate candies from an opening in his pooper. I know! Totally classy, right?

Ghost Recon 2: Advanced Warfighter for PSP – I was gracious in receiving it, but two things prevent my enjoyment of this gift.

(1) I purchased my PSP solely for playing Madden 08. Once I reached the point when I was defeating the CPU on All-Madden level by the average score of 44-7, like Alexander the Great, I wept, for I had no more worlds to conquer. As a result, I haven’t picked up my PSP in months. Even now, the display is covered by a fine layer of dust.

(2) My military game interest is largely strategic-theatre based instead of the ground-pounding first-person tactical genre that currently dominates the market. I don’t care how a simulated terror cell is eliminated as much as I’m interested in my simulated global domination of the Western hemisphere. I cannot conquer an entire continent with a twenty-man platoon from Seal Team 6, no matter how well-trained they are.

Darth Vader keychain – My wife observed that my previous Darth Vader keychain was damaged. Shuddup.

But enough about me. I will now confront these picks.

NOTE: Week 17 picks are frequently difficult due to several mitigating factors. Some powerhouses, having already secured top seeded playoff berths, pack it in and send out their C-game, saving their A-game for the playoffs. Other contenders on the bubble tend to throw the kitchen sink at their opponents. Scrappy teams that barely missed the playoffs revel in destroying the playoff chances of teams that are still in contention. Bottom-feeding teams with no heart just show up to cash their checks. My point is that what’s displayed on the field during week 17 is not necessarily an indication of what the teams are about. Basically, sports betters should find something less risky than betting on Week 17 games like skydiving or having unprotected sex with Pamela Anderson.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Here are my picks. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

ATLANTA FALCONS (10-5) -14.5 over St. Louis Rams (2-13)
The Good News: Rams Coach Jim Haslet may become the first interim head coach of the season to shed the uninspiring “interim” label.

The Bad News: He’ll probably have to settle for the head coach mantle of St. Peter Elementary School’s Beaver-Pup squad (The Fightin Beavers.)

New England Patriots (10-5) -6.5 over BUFFALO BILLS (7-8)
The Pats are playing for their playoff lives while the Bills are playing to break even, which is a traditional goal of any Dick Jauron-led team (Jauron currently holds an overall head coach record of 57 wins, 75 losses, including a 35–45 regular season record as head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1999-2003. Basically, the fatted calf has been prepared for slaughter.)

Week 17 NFL Picks continues here

My “Goulish” Week 9 NFL Picks

Happy Halloween everyone! I know it’s a bit late in the game, but in keeping with today’s theme, and due in no small part to the fact that my recent picks have been a house of horrors, I submit my picks in trick-or-treat format.

(NOTE: You can tell that I didn’t switch my picks because I’m mostly wrong, as usual.)

BUFFALO BILLS (5-2)-5.5 over New York Jets (4-3)

Trick: Brett Favre is a giving soul who loves throwing touchdowns to his teammates.

Treat: Sometimes he gets carried away with his generosity and throws a few touchdowns to the opposing team too.

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3)-12.5 over Detroit Lions (0-7)

Trick: The Bears are not taking the Lions lightly, with many of the players stating in the press that Detroit isn’t the same team they destroyed weeks earlier.

Treat: Detroit’s fecal-salad costume smells just as bad as their turd-sandwich costume. OK, so maybe that’s a treat for just me.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)-7.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-8)

Trick: Chad Ocho Cinco was mandated by the league to wear his previous name, Johnson, on the back of his jersey for the duration of this season though he legally changed his name.

Treat: Fortunately for him (and mercifully for the still winless Bengals) his season his half-over.

CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-4)-1.5 over Baltimore Ravens (4-3)

Trick: Tight-end Kellen Winslow was suspended last week for coming clean about his staph infection, speaking up for his teammates, and putting his team in a bad light by refusing to lie about it. What?

Just a sec… what?

Treat: Cleveland’s favorite soldier will be plenty rested and eager to unleash some pain this weekend.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-5) +2.5 over Arizona Cardinals (4-3)

Trick: Kurt Warner on the road in the stadium that once reverberated with the power of his 99 and 01 MVP performances. Awkward…

Treat: The field turf that replaced the original Astroturf is much softer, which will cushion his falls after he surrenders numerous sacks .It will also make his frequent fumbles bounce less erratically, giving him the opportunity to fall on a few of them.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-4)-4.5 over Houston Texans (3-4)

Trick: Figuring out how to tackle Adrian Peterson. Good luck with that.

Treat: watching AP go through the Texans defense like the scene from The Last Boy Scout, only to realize that unlike the guy from that scene, AP isn’t actually killing his opponents by firing a sidearm. That’s just how he rolls.

TENNESSEE TITANS (7-0)-6.5 over Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Trick: The Titans are still undefeated with Kerry Collins starting at quarterback.

Treat: With a defense as stout as theirs, they’d probably be undefeated with Joan Collins starting at QB.

(Read the rest of my picks here)