NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

Fortune’s Fools: The Chicago Bears lose to the Atlanta Falcons, 22-20

I think it is best that I begin the Chicago Bears’ inexplicable, improbable, and ironically foreshadowed defeat at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons in a pseudo “real-time” column. The only other alternative is to build a funeral pyre, and my landlord frowns upon open-pit fires.

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to take a 3-0 lead, I texted my wife the following message about Atlanta’s rookie QB, Matt Ryan; “This kid is carving the Bears up. He is really good.” I wasn’t overly concerned because the Bears had eliminated big plays, forcing Atlanta to take the shorter stuff. Any second and the rookie would become impatient and make a few bad decisions, right? Right?

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to increase their advantage to 6-0, I became concerned. Atlanta’s QB was not rattled and he was getting rid of the ball within three seconds, rendering the Bears pass-rush moot. I texted my wife again; “Clearly we need at least 28 points to stand a chance.”

When the Bears were forced to punt a second consecutive time, I texted my wife a third time; “We are prolly gonna lose this one.” That’s how quickly a team’s fortune can change. My Bears went from being the clear favorite to the Dillon Panthers after Jason Street’s spinal injury within 15-30 minutes.

The defining moment of the game came… (read more here)

Chicago Bears Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

I observed much of week two slack-jawed and dumbfounded. Obviously, the Chicago Bear choke-job versus the Carolina Panthers left me so numb that I didn’t even have the energy to take my frustration out on my family. I just sat, staring off into space mumbling repeatedly to myself, “Dude, what the hell just happened?”

To recap, the Bears carried a 14-point lead into the twilight of the third quarter, and then promptly surrendered 17 unanswered points, falling to the Panthers, 20-17. It was like watching the Jedi get slaughtered during the tragic downfall scene of Revenge of the Sith all over again.

How was this possible? Honestly, stranger things have happened, and once I regained composure long enough to recall the details, it was apparent that the bitter stench of this gut-wrenching defeat had already been foreshadowed. Read More