NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

Five Stages of Insanity

When Charles “Peanut” Tillman was called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (bogus call by the way), extending the Tampa Bay drive after the Chicago Bears had successfully stopped it, I shouted an obscenity and somehow flung my shoe towards the ceiling where it forcefully ricocheted and landed atop my television. This startled my wife, who complained bitterly about my abrasive actions, which only made me more abrasive as I seethed and wondered if my Chicago Bears official equipment shirt was truly flame-retardant.

It was almost as if she had never met me before, even though the very first time we watched a Bears game together she observed me swearing at the top of my lungs, punching-out my television, and flinging a chair across the room, narrowly missing the window. It’s not like I kept my singular psychosis a super secret.

For some unfathomable reason, she forgot that following any inexplicable and potentially catastrophic Chicago Bears loss, I experience the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The catch is that I experience each stage intensely and simultaneously during the 20-45 minutes following the defeat and the combined weight of these mutated stages manifests itself in unmitigated rage. Any attempt at consolation is met with hellfire and unsolicited suggestions of where to lodge certain phallic inanimate objects.

It’s best to just leave me in a room full of my things and stay clear until either I return to my senses or the intoxication of my own fury forces me to pass-out.

The point of all this is… (read more here)

Week 3 Matchup: Versus Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offensive Keys

Minimize mistakes. We can’t afford to have costly penalties or game-changing turnovers (I’m talking to you, Greg Olsen! You drop the rock just once in this game, just once, and I swear fo’ God I will drive to Chicago and boil your pet rabbit in your own kitchen like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction! I will fill your whole block with hot brass if I have to! Well, I’ll blog about it, anyway.)

Let’s get physical! Our offensive line did an excellent job last week and Matt Forte was relentless. We’ll need more of the same this week against a familiar cover-2 scheme that takes away the big play, but is susceptible to the power-run. The Bucs’ defense is athletic, but light-in-the-loafers. I don’t care if they drop eight or nine guys into the box.  We have four halfbacks. Four. The goal should be 300-plus yards on the ground. We need to punch them in the mouth until they fall, and then keep punching until Forte gets tired. Then we put his ass on the bench, get Jones out there and repeat until Tampa’s will has been broken. By then, Forte will have recovered enough to start all over again.

Play conservative. There’s no reason to take unnecessary risks. That’s why Sex Cannon was benched in the first place. Three yards and a cloud of dust is not a defeat. Three downs and punt is not necessarily a bad thing here. Tampa is no offensive threat, so we just need to do our thing and let them make all the mistakes. Do you know that the starting quarterback for the Bucs is Brian Griese? No, not Bob Griese, the hall-of-fame QB. I’m talking about his son, the guy who threw three interceptions in the end-zone against the Detroit Lions last season. The freaking Lions!  ‘Nuff said.

Defensive Keys

Stuff the gaps. The Bucs have had great success running the ball. Ernest Graham and Warrick Dunn are a formidable running crew. We need to make the point of attack on their side of the ball and stop them before they build momentum. That’s all I can think of to slow them down, other than using stun grenades or spiking their Gatorade with elephant tranquilizers.

Tackle, tackle, and mutha-effin-tackle! Missed tackles contributed to our loss against the Panthers last week. If we’re careless this week, not even Katt Williams’ irreverent comedy will deter me from wondering if I can heat my bath water using my toaster.

Remix the defense. Remember that Brian Griese has thrown against the Bears’ first-string unit numerous times in practice and may have some familiarity. If he’s had success against certain looks, it’s time to throw those schemes out and reboot the coverages.

Did I mention that Brian Griese is the starting QB for the Bucs? Blitz his ass. Blitz him on first down. Blitz him on second down. Blitz him on third down. Crack wise about his mama when he’s on the sideline. Keep calling him “Bob” and pretend that it’s an accident. Compliment his full breasts and vagina. Whisper about his pretty mouth into his helmet’s earhole. Eventually he’ll snap and start throwing the ball directly to the first opposing player he sees, just like old times.

Week 3 Picks (Home team in CAPS) – Read more about week 3 picks here

ATLANTA FALCONS -4.5 over Kansas City Chiefs

BUFFALO BILLS -8.5 over Oakland Raiders

CHICAGO BEARS -3.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

TENNESSEE TITANS -4.5 over Houston Texans

Carolina Panthers +3.5 over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Miami Dolphins +12.5 over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

NEW YORK GIANTS -13.5 over Cincinnati Bengals

WASHINGTON REDSKINS -3.5 over Arizona Cardinals

DENVER BRONCOS -5.5 over New Orleans Saints

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -3.5 over Detroit Lions

St. Louis Rams +9.5 over SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

BALTIMORE RAVENS -1.5 over Cleveland Browns

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -2.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -5.5 over Jacksonville Jaguars

Dallas Cowboys -2.5 over GREEN BAY PACKERS

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -8.5 over New York Jets

Last Week: 10-6

Overall: 22-10

Read more about week 3 picks here