NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks: The Worst That Can Happen

As always, home team is in CAPS.

Baltimore Ravens +3.0 over TENNESSEE TITANS
Upset Special: I expected the Ravens defense to single-handedly defeat the Dolphins last week, and they did. But I didn’t anticipate them to impose their will in such a ferocious, dominating fashion. Baltimore takes their band of purple terror on the road to face a team built in similar fashion (Solid running game, dominating defense, game-managing QB who is only asked not to screw-up).

On paper, Tennessee has the advantage. The experience of Titans veteran QB Kerry Collins seems to trump Rookie QB Joe Flacco’s youthful exuberance, especially after Flacco’s shaky performance against the Dolphins. Flacco will be on the road again, this time in a cooler, more hostile environment. The tealeaves say advantage: Titans.

But… (NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks continues here)

Week 17 NFL Picks: Christmas Loot

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and safe Christmas, happy Hanukkah, festive Festivus, or an enjoyable time participating in whatever holiday you subscribe to, even the pagan goat horn-blowing, barking at the moon ones. Before I get to the final weekly NFL picks of the regular season, here’s a tally of some of my notable Christmas loot:

Chicago Bears fleece zip-up hoodie and skully – This is the pinnacle of all gifts for me. If you’re a friend, a loved one, or just a stranger with the need to bribe me, simply purchase me an XXL Chicago Bear hoodie and I am instantly in your debt. It doesn’t even matter if I already have the hoodie you just bought. It just makes it easier to cycle through the laundry. Let me speak plainly; I can never have too many Chicago Bears hoodies.

The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human (Paperback) – This is the gift that keeps on giving. It is an unauthorized publishing of a collection of the funnier Chuck Norris jokes filtering throughout the internet. Through the kindness of my wife, my trips to the crapper are once again a hilarious experience. Speaking of which…

Pooping Santa candy dispenser – Simply described, this is a plastic recreation of a giddy, squatting Santa dispensing chocolate candies from an opening in his pooper. I know! Totally classy, right?

Ghost Recon 2: Advanced Warfighter for PSP – I was gracious in receiving it, but two things prevent my enjoyment of this gift.

(1) I purchased my PSP solely for playing Madden 08. Once I reached the point when I was defeating the CPU on All-Madden level by the average score of 44-7, like Alexander the Great, I wept, for I had no more worlds to conquer. As a result, I haven’t picked up my PSP in months. Even now, the display is covered by a fine layer of dust.

(2) My military game interest is largely strategic-theatre based instead of the ground-pounding first-person tactical genre that currently dominates the market. I don’t care how a simulated terror cell is eliminated as much as I’m interested in my simulated global domination of the Western hemisphere. I cannot conquer an entire continent with a twenty-man platoon from Seal Team 6, no matter how well-trained they are.

Darth Vader keychain – My wife observed that my previous Darth Vader keychain was damaged. Shuddup.

But enough about me. I will now confront these picks.

NOTE: Week 17 picks are frequently difficult due to several mitigating factors. Some powerhouses, having already secured top seeded playoff berths, pack it in and send out their C-game, saving their A-game for the playoffs. Other contenders on the bubble tend to throw the kitchen sink at their opponents. Scrappy teams that barely missed the playoffs revel in destroying the playoff chances of teams that are still in contention. Bottom-feeding teams with no heart just show up to cash their checks. My point is that what’s displayed on the field during week 17 is not necessarily an indication of what the teams are about. Basically, sports betters should find something less risky than betting on Week 17 games like skydiving or having unprotected sex with Pamela Anderson.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Here are my picks. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

ATLANTA FALCONS (10-5) -14.5 over St. Louis Rams (2-13)
The Good News: Rams Coach Jim Haslet may become the first interim head coach of the season to shed the uninspiring “interim” label.

The Bad News: He’ll probably have to settle for the head coach mantle of St. Peter Elementary School’s Beaver-Pup squad (The Fightin Beavers.)

New England Patriots (10-5) -6.5 over BUFFALO BILLS (7-8)
The Pats are playing for their playoff lives while the Bills are playing to break even, which is a traditional goal of any Dick Jauron-led team (Jauron currently holds an overall head coach record of 57 wins, 75 losses, including a 35–45 regular season record as head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1999-2003. Basically, the fatted calf has been prepared for slaughter.)

Week 17 NFL Picks continues here

Week 16 NFL Picks: Snow Day

Most Midwesterners scoff when Seattle residents complain about receiving a few snow flurries. As a native Chicagoan, I was once one of those scoffers. Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered two things: (1) Driving in the snow on the flat terrain of the Great Plains is drastically different from the steep hills of the Puget Sound region and (2) I’ve never actually driven in the snow through any terrain before.

That made yesterday’s drive home through the snow drifts of Greater Seattle all the more harrowing. What was normally a leisurely 45-minute commute became a two-hour white-knuckled joyride to the Apocalypse. I would have been almost as comfortable in the passenger seat offering suggestions to my driverless, wayward Toyota Matrix.

Somehow, through a combination of my limited driving skills and the idiocy of fate, I emerged unscathed. Unwilling to test my luck again, I opted to check the weather reports in the morning.

Obviously, I did not expect to awaken to several more inches of snow in my driveway, nor did I anticipate being awakened by “thunder-snowing”. I’ve never encountered thunder-snowing before. Never imagined it was possible. Nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, or Biblical tales have never mentioned thunder-snowing, so imagine my shock and horror.

The bad news is, assuming the weather had some perverse vendetta against me, I took a snow day and stayed home. The good news is that I had plenty of time to devote to my weekly NFL picks.

(Week 16 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 8 NFL Picks

The Chicago Bears are on a bye this week, which means it’s now safe for me to exhale, dim the lights, pour a tumbler of bourbon, put my Jill Scott CD on repeat, and crank out another dose of smooth, smooth picks. Aww-yeah… I can just feel the tension oozing down my spine… recession, stock-market plummet-be-damned!

I’m ready baby. I’m ready to pick against the spread like I’ve never picked before, so spread ‘em.

As always, the home teams are in CAPS.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +3.5 over DALLAS COWBOYS
The Bucs are rolling with a still pissed-off Jeff Garcia at QB. Last week the Cowboys had their heads handed to them by the lowly Rams. All the attention is on Tony Romo’s broken pinky, but it’s not like Romo can play defense for the Cowboys. I feel the most sorry for Jessica Simpson, who will not only be unfairly blamed for the Dallas downfall, but will also be without the services of Romo’s “business” hand for a few more weeks.

Washington Redskins -7.5 over DETROIT LIONS
I almost talked myself into taking the Lions and the points. Yes I really am that stupid.

Buffalo Bills -1.5 over MIAMI DOLPHINS
The Baltimore Ravens provided the blueprint for shutting down the Dolphin’s “wildcat” formation last week. I’d wager my imaginary fortune that the Bills front-seven was paying close attention.

St. Louis Rams +7.5 over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
St. Louis is 2-0 since replacing their head coach with their defensive coordinator, including a convincing old-fashioned ass-whipping of the Cowboys. It’s too early to call this move a success, but I’ll still take the St. Louis fixer-upper over the Pats game-managing QB and Ol’ Yella defense.
(article continues here)