NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks: The Worst That Can Happen

As always, home team is in CAPS.

Baltimore Ravens +3.0 over TENNESSEE TITANS
Upset Special: I expected the Ravens defense to single-handedly defeat the Dolphins last week, and they did. But I didn’t anticipate them to impose their will in such a ferocious, dominating fashion. Baltimore takes their band of purple terror on the road to face a team built in similar fashion (Solid running game, dominating defense, game-managing QB who is only asked not to screw-up).

On paper, Tennessee has the advantage. The experience of Titans veteran QB Kerry Collins seems to trump Rookie QB Joe Flacco’s youthful exuberance, especially after Flacco’s shaky performance against the Dolphins. Flacco will be on the road again, this time in a cooler, more hostile environment. The tealeaves say advantage: Titans.

But… (NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks continues here)

NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks: Hangover Edition

Happy New Year and Joyous International Hangover Recovery Day to everyone! Listen, I just awoke, having lost most of New Year’s Day, along with huge chunks of my short-term and mid-term memory, to vodka and bourbon, so let’s get right to the picks so I can devote the remainder of my day to locating my cellphone, pants, and dignity.

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
I know I’m picking a rookie QB on the road in a high-pressure playoff environment, but I saw everything I needed to see from the intrepid Matt Ryan during week 6. When trailing by one against my Bears, he lofted a perfect pass to his receiver, who got out of bounds in field goal range with one second remaining. (The Falcons then won the game with a field goal on the next play as I pondered between smashing my possessions how a combination of the Bears’ choke-job and Ryan’s clutch play might contribute to the Bears’ potentially bleak playoff picture in the near future.)

Matt Ryan may be a rookie, but he plays like he’s been here before. His efforts are bolstered by a solid running game that will be facing a Cardinals defense that can’t stop the run and an offense that plays well at home, but can’t run the ball anywhere. Even the Cardinals fans aren’t convinced as they’re struggling to sellout the game. On the upside, we just might witness history in veteran QB Kurt Warner’s efforts. He might become the first QB to pass for 600+ yards in a losing effort, or he could set the playoff record for unforced fumbles and pitiful hangdog facial expressions to a plateau that may never be reached in the next three generations. Warner’s ceiling for greatness in a moral victory and/or unintentional comedy is limitless.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
When I checked the sports betting line earlier, the Colts were favored by a point. Several hours later, the odds are now even. Perplexed, I checked out NFL.com and the NFL Network for injury updates. The only notable injury I found was that Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson was listed as questionable. Then I looked at the betting line again. It almost appeared as if the Chargers’ odds of winning had improved with the announcement of an injury downgrade to their franchise RB. How does that make sense? I found this as perplexing as the reasonably attractive young women who over-plucks or over-waxes their eyebrows to the point where their facial expressions always appear to be surprised.

Speaking of which, (NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks continues here)

Week 15 NFL Picks

In an unprecedented event, I am picking all favorites this week. That’s right, 100 percent favorites, across the board.

I didn’t do it intentionally to be ironic or cool. I didn’t do it because I was feeling cowardly, brazen, or even lucky. My motivation wasn’t even laziness, like it normally is (Speaking of laziness, I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week’s picks. I’m squeezing this week’s article between Christmas shopping, two flag football tournaments, and suppressing my gag-reflex while watching my Bears offensive unit flail about like baby seals trying to escape a poacher’s club. Not a good look, Chicago.)

I sat down and reflected deeply upon this week like a Zen master, using scented candles and index cards. Alright, so I guzzled Bourbon and picked from my gut like I always do. But still, though I’m slightly unnerved by the symmetrical properties of this week’s picks, screw it. I’m sticking with it.

On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS

Thursday night’s game
CHICAGO BEARS (7-6) -2.5 over New Orleans Saints (7-6)
Drew Brees is historically not a fan of Chicago’s frozen turf. It chafes his backside.

Why I was right: All I know is that his was one of the worst games I’ve ever watched in terms of mutual offensive decision-making and execution. It was as if both head coaches picked random foreign exchange students to call their plays. Just flat-out painful to watch.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5) -2.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
The Bucs “ferocious” run defense has a suspect chin. Atlanta exploits the combo revealed by the Panthers last Monday.

Washington Redskins (7-6) -6.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-11)
Though there’s drama in D.C., ‘Skins fans needn’t worry; my mother-in-law could run for 150 yards against the Bungles, even after a Red Bull and Grey Goose.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4) -16.5 over Detroit Lions (0-13)
HELP WANTED: Quarterback for a professional football team residing in a steel wasteland once known as Detroit. Leader of men needed in a catastrophically hopeless cause. Must have… (Week 15 NFL Picks continues here)