Press Conference: Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid

I keep expecting Coach Reid to pause between the questions and his heavy-breathing, lean to one side and belch before leaning into the microphone and asking, “Say guys… whado-ya think they put in those cheese steaks at the buffet in the back room?”

Basically, I’m glad these games aren’t won or lost at the press podium. otherwise, it would be a blowout.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

Week 4 Matchup: Versus Philadelphia Eagles

I’ve been under the weather this weekend. Perhaps it has something to with the abrupt weather changes in my region. Maybe it’s the recent changes in my sleeping patterns as a result of taking on my new job. Or, it’s equally possible that the Chicago Bears defense blowing double-digit leads in the last two defeats has shaken my soul to the core, crippling my immune system.

It has taken a monumental effort just to write this week’s matchup under these dreadful conditions. Besides, let’s face it; creating a strategy against the potent Philadelphia Eagles using the Bears current roster is a lot like trying to convince a nation that an elected official has government experience just because she can see Russia from her house.

But the more I thought about it, the less intimidating the Eagles became. Of course, the copious doses of cold medicine/beer chasers may have affected my outlook somewhat, but if the Bears employ these tactics and limit mistakes, we might stand a chance.

Offensive Keys

Figure out how to mitigate Philly’s lethal blitz packages. Since the NFL front office might consider the use of stun grenades or rubber bullets a tad too draconian, the Bears will have to employ a different scheme. They must counter aggression with speed and slight of hand. Bench the fullback for this one game and use a tandem-halfback setup. Matt Forte and Kevin Jones are both speedy, powerful backs. Put them both in the backfield, and then give the ball to one while faking it to the other. Keep Philly guessing all night. We need to use lots of screens and misdirection to keep them on their heels. Once we have them cluing into the backfield, the play-action pass should work.

Take the initiative and play downhill. It’s extremely important to battle Philly from a position of strength, meaning we must play with the lead. If we drop behind early, or are compelled to use a one-dimensional pass attack, game over. Trust me on this one.

(Look, I like Kyle “The Future” Orton. I really do. He seems like a nice guy. I love how he hands the ball to Matt Forte and gets the hell out the way. I enjoy his game-managing prowess when playing with the lead. But if we’re trailing by six with less than two minutes remaining, and your life hung in the balance of the game’s outcome, would you feel comfortable with our collective fate resting in hands? Me neither.)

Defensive Keys

Pressure Donovan McNabb. I hear that McNabb has an ailing chest. Let’s help him out by introducing him to Soldier Field’s soft grass as often as possible. Do not allow him to get comfortable in the pocket. Hit him in the sternum, shatter his dreams, and haunt his nightmares. Convince him that the boogeyman wears navy-blue and orange.

Stop the run en-route to the quarterback. The Bears are ranked 5th in the league when it comes to stuffing the run, allowing only 71.3 rushing yards per game. They should use the same run-stuffing strategy that’s been so effective in the previous three games, only they should extend their efforts towards bottling up McNabb as well. Donovan was once a prolific runner, and he’s shown similar flashes of rushing brilliance now that he’s two years removed from his ACL repair.

Do not fear Brian Westbrook, but be wary of him. Don’t ask me how to accomplish this. Just fly casual, like Han Solo told Chewbacca. The Bears secondary and linebackers are extremely fast. The only person that might not be able to match-up with Westbrook is strongside linebacker, Hunter Hillenmeyer. The Eagles line-up Westbrook at numerous spots, including the backfield, split wide, and in the slot. The Bears shouldn’t be too concerned where he is unless he’s in the slot. Then we’ll want to make sure that one of the safeties or weakside linebacker Lance Briggs picks him up.

If the Bears employ this gameplan and limit mistakes, they may stand a chance. If not, no worries. I’m fully-stocked on cold meds and Samuel Adams.

Week 4 Picks (Home team in CAPS) (Read more here)

CINCINNATI BENGALS -3.5 over Cleveland Browns
TENNESSEE TITANS -3.5 over Minnesota Vikings
Denver Broncos -9.5 over KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
San Francisco 49ers +6.5 over NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
NEW YORK JETS -2.5 over Arizona Cardinals
Green Bay Packers +1.5 over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
CAROLINA PANTHERS -7.5 over Atlanta Falcons
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -7.5 over Houston Texans
San Diego Chargers -7.5 over OAKLAND RAIDERS
Buffalo Bills -8.5 over ST. LOUIS RAMS
DALLAS COWBOYS -11.5 over Washington Redskins
Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 CHICAGO BEARS
Baltimore Ravens +7.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Last week: 9-7
Overall: 31-16

(Read more here)