Game 5: Blown Call or Blown Game?/What’s Brett Up To?

Yes, the foul committed by Rondo against Brad Miller in the last second of game 5 between the Bulls and Celtics should have been a flagrant, but so what? The Bulls lost that game because they suffered a meltdown during the last seven minutes and allowed an 18-8 Celtics run to erase their lead. They lost because a still-dazed Miller missed the first free throw and failed to draw iron on the second attempt.

They lost because, even if the refs made the right call, with two seconds left, “Coach” Vinny Del Negro would have diagramed a half-cocked half-court play that would have been promptly ignored by Ben Gordon as he dribbled in place for 1.5 seconds before jacking up a low percentage shot, but everyone knows that .5 seconds isn’t enough time for Gordon to rub the magical rabbit’s foot he keeps in his pocket to wish all of his horrible shot-selections into the basket.

The refs blew the call, but the Bulls collectively blew the game (And that’s coming from a fan who is openly rooting for an improbable Bulls win, and who has enjoyed the Bulls’ display of heart and effort.) End of story.

In other news… Brett Favre has negotiated his release from the Jets. Well, actually, according to Brett, his agent has negotiated his release, since we all know that Brett could never be complicit in any alleged shady dealings that might tarnish his golden-boy image. Oh brother.

You know what that means right? Last time I checked, the Minnesota Vikings were choosing between Gus Frerotte and Tavaris Jackson to lead their team at QB, which is like choosing between Michael Moore and Fat Bastard as Weight Watchers mentors. The Vikes need a QB, and I don’t care what Brett says, he’s still dying to stick it to Green Bay. Come on back Brett!

Why am I so geeked about Favre’s (alleged) pending comeback? Well, in the Coach Lovie Smith era, one of these three things must have transpired; (a) the Bears have him figured out, (b) Favre has completely lost his mojo, or (c) there’s a gentlemen’s agreement for Favre to throw at least three passes directly into Brian Urlacher’s chest per game. As a Bear fan, I will always loathe the greatest Bear-Killer in the modern era, and now that he no longer scares me, I welcome him back with open arms.

This Just In…

Here are two news bulletins I can’t ignore:

1. John Madden hangs up the mike! Wha-wha-what?!? But wait… how in the hell is Frank Caliendo supposed to eat now?

The undisputed Big Dog of NFL color analysts has decided to retire after a 40-year broadcasting career. I’m slightly bummed, but it’s probably for the best. He’s been barely coherent since about 1993. But even during his waning years as a broadcaster, no one could tell me about what I already just saw on the television screen with his throaty vigor and enthusiasm. Even now, he’s better prepared and more knowledgeable than any current color guy that’s not named Ron Jaworski or Chris Collinsworth.

Speaking of Collinsworth, my wife consoled me by prognosticating that Chris would obviously replace Madden on NBC Sunday Night Football just minutes before ESPN officially confirmed her intuitive forecast. While I’m glad that Collinsworth will finally get a chance to flex his underrated chops in front of a national audience on a full-time basis, Sundays just won’t be the same without the big guy delivering his “BOOM! WHAP!” one-liners and waxing-nostalgically about Brett Favre, bratwurst, Brett Favre, Philly cheese steaks, and Brett Favre.

So does this make Al Michaels the Big Dog of NFL broadcasters now?

Other notable achievements by John Madden:

1. As head coach of the Oakland Raiders, he holds the NFL all-time highest winning percentage, with a record of 103-32-7 (76.3% win percentage)
2. Coached the Raiders to a victory in Super Bowl XI
3. Never had a losing season as a head coach
4. Youngest coach to reach 100 wins, only needing ten seasons to accomplish this feat.
5. Enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame as a coach in 2006
6. Indirectly responsible for the infliction of Frank Caliendo’s one-trick pony upon millions of unsuspecting Americans

2. Celtics forward Kevin Garnet may miss the entire playoffs due to complications with his strained knee. I’m filled with mixed emotions here. My disappointment at not being able to watch my favorite NBA athlete grind-out another playoff run is mitigated by how his loss lifts my Chicago Bulls chances of escaping the first round. I’ll solemnly take the playoff advantage, but ultimately, this rings as a loss for both me and any true fan of the NBA (After listening to ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s uncharacteristically somber tone, I almost thought he was announcing the assassination of a head-of-state.) 

I just know that the trainers most likely had to spike KG’s Gatorade with Zoloft before breaking the bad news to him. Have you ever seen KG play? Yikes. He’s easily one of the most frighteningly intense competitors I’ve ever seen. I probably couldn’t play hopscotch with him without taking a vicious elbow to the chest and having him glare about wide-eyed while furiously pounding his own chest and barking at no one in particular, but in my general direction, “Stand up! Be a man! This is f#@king hopscotch, muthaf#@%er!”

A Banquette in Honor of the Jay Cutler Era

I just don’t know, man.

I’ve bounced it around in my head for a few days, and my position on the recent seismic shift in the NFL has been in a constant state of aftershock.

Of course, I’m referring to Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelou’s Texas No Limit, “all-in” style trade of Kyle Orton, two first-round picks, and a third-round pick for Jay Cutler, a fifth-round pick, an ounce of shimmering pixie-dust and magic smoke (for shock-and-awe affect), and a box of disposable diapers.

My initial reaction to this trade was recorded in Facebook as, “ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! GODDAMNIT SONOFABITCH!!!! LKEWRJF EOOLK MB ,MLKJ”.

In my defense, how could my reaction have been any different after trashing Cutler all week during his lover’s spat with the Denver Broncos organization and their new head coach, Shady McTwoface? Why mortgage our team’s future for a petulant, unproven premadonna, who will no-doubt be a polarizing figure in the locker room?

In contrast to Cutler’s incessant whining and bleating, Kyle Orton remained silent and professional from the opening trade rumors to the actual announcement. Granted, given his penchant for parties and drunken benders, he was probably passed-out on an empty keg in a frat-house as the news was breaking. Still, way to show that immature crybaby Cutler how a professional reacts to trade rumors, Kyle.

Initially, this “win now” gamble seemed flawed at best, and frankly, I’m still talking myself into it… but it just might work.

Sure, Jay Cutler comes across as a spoiled child, but ironically, that might work in the Bears’ favor. As a child growing up in Indiana, Cutler’s favorite team was the Bears. In essence, playing for his favorite team now would be fulfilling a lifetime ambition. Also, Cutler just left a situation where trust and communication with his head coach had flat-lined shortly after the head coach was caught trying to arrange a trade for Cutler. As a result, Cutler perceives the Broncos coach as a dishonest, low-down, no-good, double-dealing, swindler. (The previous sentence sounds better if you say it aloud while impersonating Billy-Dee Williams.)

By contrast, Coach Lovie Smith is widely respected in the locker room, and Cutler could benefit from Coach Smith’s “quiet mentoring” approach. It’s like a woman breaking up with Chris Brown before discovering that Justin Timberlake is available, and is an interested gentleman caller. Or if you’re from my generation, it’s like a woman leaving Bobby Brown for Johnny Gill. That new relationship will seem infinitely healthier than the previous one.

Obviously, once my initial shock wore off, my personal bias against Cutler and what I perceive as his inflated sense of self-entitlement slowly gave way to the reality that my Bears may have been catapulted from perennial, mediocre bubble-team to a bonafide contender.

In addition to the arrival of Jay Cutler, the Bears signed veteran and seven-time pro-bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace. Sure Pace is a bit long in the tooth, but he probably has two or three more good years left. Besides, his veteran presence and work-ethic should provide a galvanizing effect on the other offensive linemen, giving Cutler the protection he needs to throw to Hester, Olsen, and… uhm… whoever lines-up at the number-two wide-out position. Combine the retooling of our passing attack with the already proven power-run game spearheaded by Matt Forte, and suddenly the Bears offensive execution sounds more like an overture to an ominous onslaught than a prelude to a hilarious punch-line.

As for Kyle Orton, like Rex Grossman before him, I will always have a soft-spot for him, no matter how frustrated he made me. In Orton’s situation, it’s difficult to make a case for even a proven field general who can rally his troops to victory when frequently, I found myself openly wondering if my 14-year-old daughter could throw further than him. Like Grossman, Orton resembled a cuddly, furry team mascot who frequently peed in your bed, chewed on your shoes, or left putrid-scented pyramids on your freshly-cleaned carpets. But once in the blue moon, he also chased away burglars or warned you when the kitchen curtains were on fire, so you put up with him and even fed him steaks from time-to time. Farewell Kyle Orton. I will probably miss your neckbeard most of all.

Verily, as I bid a bittersweet farewell to Kyle Neckbeard Noodle-arm Orton, I say huzzah to the Jay Cutler era! So I don’t like Jay Cutler’s attitude or the actions he took to force a trade. Big deal. I put up with Chicago Bulls power-forward Dennis Rodman for three years because he was the best rebounder there was, though he was also a cross between Terrell Owens, the Cobra Kai Sensei, and the transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I can root for Cutler’s success as a Bear, as long as he delivers on my now lofty expectations.

And the bar has definitely been raised. Prior to this trade, all the average fan could realistically hope for was a victory, or even a series sweep of the hated Green Bay Packers. This trade raises the stakes considerably. Now, anything below a 10-6 season… no wait… anything less than a playoff appearance is a colossal failure.

No pressure, Jay, but Chicago offers you either a banquette in your honor, or a last meal (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Either way, eat hearty, pal.

Between the Beers: Super Bowl XLIII Highlights (Barely including the game)

By now, everyone who is interested knows how the Super Bowl ended (Ironically, on a Kurt Warner fumble, and fittingly, on a controversial official’s decision that awarded the Pittsburgh Steelers a sixth Super Bowl title and a brand new region of football fans who loathe them.)

Arizona fans will no doubt join the growing ranks of anti-Steeler fans in whining about the Pittsburgh referee conspiracy (Charter members; Seattle, Baltimore, and Oakland). I find this tragic, considering the fact that it could have been avoided if only the replay booth had reviewed the Kurt Warner fumble that sealed the Steelers win.

If the review held, then game over, and no whining (well, not as much whining). If the review had been overturned, Kurt Warner would have fumbled the very next play (Say what you want about Warner’s “hall of fame” caliber career; he had clearly reverted to the old, butterfingers Kurt Warner under duress.) The NFL missed a golden-opportunity to dispel the cloud of doubt surrounding the alleged ref-bias for Pittsburgh.

Still, much respect to Pittsburgh and head coach Mike Tomlin for displaying sound football. Despite the alleged evidence to the contrary, the Steelers won because they were the better team on that night, period.

Though I picked Arizona to win, my heart was with Pittsburgh. Sure, I lost two straight-up bets with my pick (a dime-bet with my aunt and a five dollar bet with my sexy barber up the street). But for sports-betting purposes, I beat the spread (Pittsburgh was a seven-point favorite.) That means I went out on top! Challenge my fluky sports-betting prowess at your own peril!

But enough about the game with its questionable officiating and Kurt Warner’s predictably-atrocious ball-handling in the pocket. Let’s discuss the real draw to the NFL Championship game…

Between the Beers continues here

NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks: The Worst That Can Happen

As always, home team is in CAPS.

Baltimore Ravens +3.0 over TENNESSEE TITANS
Upset Special: I expected the Ravens defense to single-handedly defeat the Dolphins last week, and they did. But I didn’t anticipate them to impose their will in such a ferocious, dominating fashion. Baltimore takes their band of purple terror on the road to face a team built in similar fashion (Solid running game, dominating defense, game-managing QB who is only asked not to screw-up).

On paper, Tennessee has the advantage. The experience of Titans veteran QB Kerry Collins seems to trump Rookie QB Joe Flacco’s youthful exuberance, especially after Flacco’s shaky performance against the Dolphins. Flacco will be on the road again, this time in a cooler, more hostile environment. The tealeaves say advantage: Titans.

But… (NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks continues here)

Week 17 NFL Picks: Christmas Loot

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and safe Christmas, happy Hanukkah, festive Festivus, or an enjoyable time participating in whatever holiday you subscribe to, even the pagan goat horn-blowing, barking at the moon ones. Before I get to the final weekly NFL picks of the regular season, here’s a tally of some of my notable Christmas loot:

Chicago Bears fleece zip-up hoodie and skully – This is the pinnacle of all gifts for me. If you’re a friend, a loved one, or just a stranger with the need to bribe me, simply purchase me an XXL Chicago Bear hoodie and I am instantly in your debt. It doesn’t even matter if I already have the hoodie you just bought. It just makes it easier to cycle through the laundry. Let me speak plainly; I can never have too many Chicago Bears hoodies.

The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human (Paperback) – This is the gift that keeps on giving. It is an unauthorized publishing of a collection of the funnier Chuck Norris jokes filtering throughout the internet. Through the kindness of my wife, my trips to the crapper are once again a hilarious experience. Speaking of which…

Pooping Santa candy dispenser – Simply described, this is a plastic recreation of a giddy, squatting Santa dispensing chocolate candies from an opening in his pooper. I know! Totally classy, right?

Ghost Recon 2: Advanced Warfighter for PSP – I was gracious in receiving it, but two things prevent my enjoyment of this gift.

(1) I purchased my PSP solely for playing Madden 08. Once I reached the point when I was defeating the CPU on All-Madden level by the average score of 44-7, like Alexander the Great, I wept, for I had no more worlds to conquer. As a result, I haven’t picked up my PSP in months. Even now, the display is covered by a fine layer of dust.

(2) My military game interest is largely strategic-theatre based instead of the ground-pounding first-person tactical genre that currently dominates the market. I don’t care how a simulated terror cell is eliminated as much as I’m interested in my simulated global domination of the Western hemisphere. I cannot conquer an entire continent with a twenty-man platoon from Seal Team 6, no matter how well-trained they are.

Darth Vader keychain – My wife observed that my previous Darth Vader keychain was damaged. Shuddup.

But enough about me. I will now confront these picks.

NOTE: Week 17 picks are frequently difficult due to several mitigating factors. Some powerhouses, having already secured top seeded playoff berths, pack it in and send out their C-game, saving their A-game for the playoffs. Other contenders on the bubble tend to throw the kitchen sink at their opponents. Scrappy teams that barely missed the playoffs revel in destroying the playoff chances of teams that are still in contention. Bottom-feeding teams with no heart just show up to cash their checks. My point is that what’s displayed on the field during week 17 is not necessarily an indication of what the teams are about. Basically, sports betters should find something less risky than betting on Week 17 games like skydiving or having unprotected sex with Pamela Anderson.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Here are my picks. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

ATLANTA FALCONS (10-5) -14.5 over St. Louis Rams (2-13)
The Good News: Rams Coach Jim Haslet may become the first interim head coach of the season to shed the uninspiring “interim” label.

The Bad News: He’ll probably have to settle for the head coach mantle of St. Peter Elementary School’s Beaver-Pup squad (The Fightin Beavers.)

New England Patriots (10-5) -6.5 over BUFFALO BILLS (7-8)
The Pats are playing for their playoff lives while the Bills are playing to break even, which is a traditional goal of any Dick Jauron-led team (Jauron currently holds an overall head coach record of 57 wins, 75 losses, including a 35–45 regular season record as head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1999-2003. Basically, the fatted calf has been prepared for slaughter.)

Week 17 NFL Picks continues here

Week 16 NFL Picks: Snow Day

Most Midwesterners scoff when Seattle residents complain about receiving a few snow flurries. As a native Chicagoan, I was once one of those scoffers. Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered two things: (1) Driving in the snow on the flat terrain of the Great Plains is drastically different from the steep hills of the Puget Sound region and (2) I’ve never actually driven in the snow through any terrain before.

That made yesterday’s drive home through the snow drifts of Greater Seattle all the more harrowing. What was normally a leisurely 45-minute commute became a two-hour white-knuckled joyride to the Apocalypse. I would have been almost as comfortable in the passenger seat offering suggestions to my driverless, wayward Toyota Matrix.

Somehow, through a combination of my limited driving skills and the idiocy of fate, I emerged unscathed. Unwilling to test my luck again, I opted to check the weather reports in the morning.

Obviously, I did not expect to awaken to several more inches of snow in my driveway, nor did I anticipate being awakened by “thunder-snowing”. I’ve never encountered thunder-snowing before. Never imagined it was possible. Nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, or Biblical tales have never mentioned thunder-snowing, so imagine my shock and horror.

The bad news is, assuming the weather had some perverse vendetta against me, I took a snow day and stayed home. The good news is that I had plenty of time to devote to my weekly NFL picks.

(Week 16 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 15 NFL Picks

In an unprecedented event, I am picking all favorites this week. That’s right, 100 percent favorites, across the board.

I didn’t do it intentionally to be ironic or cool. I didn’t do it because I was feeling cowardly, brazen, or even lucky. My motivation wasn’t even laziness, like it normally is (Speaking of laziness, I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week’s picks. I’m squeezing this week’s article between Christmas shopping, two flag football tournaments, and suppressing my gag-reflex while watching my Bears offensive unit flail about like baby seals trying to escape a poacher’s club. Not a good look, Chicago.)

I sat down and reflected deeply upon this week like a Zen master, using scented candles and index cards. Alright, so I guzzled Bourbon and picked from my gut like I always do. But still, though I’m slightly unnerved by the symmetrical properties of this week’s picks, screw it. I’m sticking with it.

On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS

Thursday night’s game
CHICAGO BEARS (7-6) -2.5 over New Orleans Saints (7-6)
Drew Brees is historically not a fan of Chicago’s frozen turf. It chafes his backside.

Why I was right: All I know is that his was one of the worst games I’ve ever watched in terms of mutual offensive decision-making and execution. It was as if both head coaches picked random foreign exchange students to call their plays. Just flat-out painful to watch.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5) -2.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
The Bucs “ferocious” run defense has a suspect chin. Atlanta exploits the combo revealed by the Panthers last Monday.

Washington Redskins (7-6) -6.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-11)
Though there’s drama in D.C., ‘Skins fans needn’t worry; my mother-in-law could run for 150 yards against the Bungles, even after a Red Bull and Grey Goose.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4) -16.5 over Detroit Lions (0-13)
HELP WANTED: Quarterback for a professional football team residing in a steel wasteland once known as Detroit. Leader of men needed in a catastrophically hopeless cause. Must have… (Week 15 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 13 NFL Picks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! No filler today! I’m skipping the appetizers and rushing right in to rip off a turkey leg before Andy Reid can throw an ill-advised challenge flag or battle Mike Holmgren to the death for the right to mismanage a two-minute egg-timer while blaming their players for scorching the gravy.

Let’s get right to the meat.

Thursday, Nov 27, 2008

Tennessee Titans (10-1) -11.5 over DETROIT LIONS (0-11)