Game 5: Blown Call or Blown Game?/What’s Brett Up To?

Yes, the foul committed by Rondo against Brad Miller in the last second of game 5 between the Bulls and Celtics should have been a flagrant, but so what? The Bulls lost that game because they suffered a meltdown during the last seven minutes and allowed an 18-8 Celtics run to erase their lead. They lost because a still-dazed Miller missed the first free throw and failed to draw iron on the second attempt.

They lost because, even if the refs made the right call, with two seconds left, “Coach” Vinny Del Negro would have diagramed a half-cocked half-court play that would have been promptly ignored by Ben Gordon as he dribbled in place for 1.5 seconds before jacking up a low percentage shot, but everyone knows that .5 seconds isn’t enough time for Gordon to rub the magical rabbit’s foot he keeps in his pocket to wish all of his horrible shot-selections into the basket.

The refs blew the call, but the Bulls collectively blew the game (And that’s coming from a fan who is openly rooting for an improbable Bulls win, and who has enjoyed the Bulls’ display of heart and effort.) End of story.

In other news… Brett Favre has negotiated his release from the Jets. Well, actually, according to Brett, his agent has negotiated his release, since we all know that Brett could never be complicit in any alleged shady dealings that might tarnish his golden-boy image. Oh brother.

You know what that means right? Last time I checked, the Minnesota Vikings were choosing between Gus Frerotte and Tavaris Jackson to lead their team at QB, which is like choosing between Michael Moore and Fat Bastard as Weight Watchers mentors. The Vikes need a QB, and I don’t care what Brett says, he’s still dying to stick it to Green Bay. Come on back Brett!

Why am I so geeked about Favre’s (alleged) pending comeback? Well, in the Coach Lovie Smith era, one of these three things must have transpired; (a) the Bears have him figured out, (b) Favre has completely lost his mojo, or (c) there’s a gentlemen’s agreement for Favre to throw at least three passes directly into Brian Urlacher’s chest per game. As a Bear fan, I will always loathe the greatest Bear-Killer in the modern era, and now that he no longer scares me, I welcome him back with open arms.

This Just In…

Here are two news bulletins I can’t ignore:

1. John Madden hangs up the mike! Wha-wha-what?!? But wait… how in the hell is Frank Caliendo supposed to eat now?

The undisputed Big Dog of NFL color analysts has decided to retire after a 40-year broadcasting career. I’m slightly bummed, but it’s probably for the best. He’s been barely coherent since about 1993. But even during his waning years as a broadcaster, no one could tell me about what I already just saw on the television screen with his throaty vigor and enthusiasm. Even now, he’s better prepared and more knowledgeable than any current color guy that’s not named Ron Jaworski or Chris Collinsworth.

Speaking of Collinsworth, my wife consoled me by prognosticating that Chris would obviously replace Madden on NBC Sunday Night Football just minutes before ESPN officially confirmed her intuitive forecast. While I’m glad that Collinsworth will finally get a chance to flex his underrated chops in front of a national audience on a full-time basis, Sundays just won’t be the same without the big guy delivering his “BOOM! WHAP!” one-liners and waxing-nostalgically about Brett Favre, bratwurst, Brett Favre, Philly cheese steaks, and Brett Favre.

So does this make Al Michaels the Big Dog of NFL broadcasters now?

Other notable achievements by John Madden:

1. As head coach of the Oakland Raiders, he holds the NFL all-time highest winning percentage, with a record of 103-32-7 (76.3% win percentage)
2. Coached the Raiders to a victory in Super Bowl XI
3. Never had a losing season as a head coach
4. Youngest coach to reach 100 wins, only needing ten seasons to accomplish this feat.
5. Enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame as a coach in 2006
6. Indirectly responsible for the infliction of Frank Caliendo’s one-trick pony upon millions of unsuspecting Americans

2. Celtics forward Kevin Garnet may miss the entire playoffs due to complications with his strained knee. I’m filled with mixed emotions here. My disappointment at not being able to watch my favorite NBA athlete grind-out another playoff run is mitigated by how his loss lifts my Chicago Bulls chances of escaping the first round. I’ll solemnly take the playoff advantage, but ultimately, this rings as a loss for both me and any true fan of the NBA (After listening to ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s uncharacteristically somber tone, I almost thought he was announcing the assassination of a head-of-state.) 

I just know that the trainers most likely had to spike KG’s Gatorade with Zoloft before breaking the bad news to him. Have you ever seen KG play? Yikes. He’s easily one of the most frighteningly intense competitors I’ve ever seen. I probably couldn’t play hopscotch with him without taking a vicious elbow to the chest and having him glare about wide-eyed while furiously pounding his own chest and barking at no one in particular, but in my general direction, “Stand up! Be a man! This is f#@king hopscotch, muthaf#@%er!”

My “Goulish” Week 9 NFL Picks

Happy Halloween everyone! I know it’s a bit late in the game, but in keeping with today’s theme, and due in no small part to the fact that my recent picks have been a house of horrors, I submit my picks in trick-or-treat format.

(NOTE: You can tell that I didn’t switch my picks because I’m mostly wrong, as usual.)

BUFFALO BILLS (5-2)-5.5 over New York Jets (4-3)

Trick: Brett Favre is a giving soul who loves throwing touchdowns to his teammates.

Treat: Sometimes he gets carried away with his generosity and throws a few touchdowns to the opposing team too.

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3)-12.5 over Detroit Lions (0-7)

Trick: The Bears are not taking the Lions lightly, with many of the players stating in the press that Detroit isn’t the same team they destroyed weeks earlier.

Treat: Detroit’s fecal-salad costume smells just as bad as their turd-sandwich costume. OK, so maybe that’s a treat for just me.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)-7.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-8)

Trick: Chad Ocho Cinco was mandated by the league to wear his previous name, Johnson, on the back of his jersey for the duration of this season though he legally changed his name.

Treat: Fortunately for him (and mercifully for the still winless Bengals) his season his half-over.

CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-4)-1.5 over Baltimore Ravens (4-3)

Trick: Tight-end Kellen Winslow was suspended last week for coming clean about his staph infection, speaking up for his teammates, and putting his team in a bad light by refusing to lie about it. What?

Just a sec… what?

Treat: Cleveland’s favorite soldier will be plenty rested and eager to unleash some pain this weekend.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-5) +2.5 over Arizona Cardinals (4-3)

Trick: Kurt Warner on the road in the stadium that once reverberated with the power of his 99 and 01 MVP performances. Awkward…

Treat: The field turf that replaced the original Astroturf is much softer, which will cushion his falls after he surrenders numerous sacks .It will also make his frequent fumbles bounce less erratically, giving him the opportunity to fall on a few of them.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-4)-4.5 over Houston Texans (3-4)

Trick: Figuring out how to tackle Adrian Peterson. Good luck with that.

Treat: watching AP go through the Texans defense like the scene from The Last Boy Scout, only to realize that unlike the guy from that scene, AP isn’t actually killing his opponents by firing a sidearm. That’s just how he rolls.

TENNESSEE TITANS (7-0)-6.5 over Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Trick: The Titans are still undefeated with Kerry Collins starting at quarterback.

Treat: With a defense as stout as theirs, they’d probably be undefeated with Joan Collins starting at QB.

(Read the rest of my picks here)