Game 5: Blown Call or Blown Game?/What’s Brett Up To?

Yes, the foul committed by Rondo against Brad Miller in the last second of game 5 between the Bulls and Celtics should have been a flagrant, but so what? The Bulls lost that game because they suffered a meltdown during the last seven minutes and allowed an 18-8 Celtics run to erase their lead. They lost because a still-dazed Miller missed the first free throw and failed to draw iron on the second attempt.

They lost because, even if the refs made the right call, with two seconds left, “Coach” Vinny Del Negro would have diagramed a half-cocked half-court play that would have been promptly ignored by Ben Gordon as he dribbled in place for 1.5 seconds before jacking up a low percentage shot, but everyone knows that .5 seconds isn’t enough time for Gordon to rub the magical rabbit’s foot he keeps in his pocket to wish all of his horrible shot-selections into the basket.

The refs blew the call, but the Bulls collectively blew the game (And that’s coming from a fan who is openly rooting for an improbable Bulls win, and who has enjoyed the Bulls’ display of heart and effort.) End of story.

In other news… Brett Favre has negotiated his release from the Jets. Well, actually, according to Brett, his agent has negotiated his release, since we all know that Brett could never be complicit in any alleged shady dealings that might tarnish his golden-boy image. Oh brother.

You know what that means right? Last time I checked, the Minnesota Vikings were choosing between Gus Frerotte and Tavaris Jackson to lead their team at QB, which is like choosing between Michael Moore and Fat Bastard as Weight Watchers mentors. The Vikes need a QB, and I don’t care what Brett says, he’s still dying to stick it to Green Bay. Come on back Brett!

Why am I so geeked about Favre’s (alleged) pending comeback? Well, in the Coach Lovie Smith era, one of these three things must have transpired; (a) the Bears have him figured out, (b) Favre has completely lost his mojo, or (c) there’s a gentlemen’s agreement for Favre to throw at least three passes directly into Brian Urlacher’s chest per game. As a Bear fan, I will always loathe the greatest Bear-Killer in the modern era, and now that he no longer scares me, I welcome him back with open arms.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

Resolve: The Measure of a Fan

The Chicago Bears outlast the Minnesota Vikings, 48-41
(Written last Monday)

I found myself in familiar territory this Sunday while observing the Chicago Bears try to hold onto a late fourth quarter lead over the Minnesota Vikings in a shootout. Well the high-scoring shootout part was unfamiliar, but there we were, sweating-out a game with a combined 89 points scored. I never thought I’d see the day when a Bear team scores 48 points and I’m still left biting my nails, concerned about another pending defensive meltdown reaching its gut-wrenching conclusion.

As Minnesota drove to the score that would place them within a touchdown of tying the Bears, I looked at my wife and said, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” Of course, that was just an empty, rhetorical sentiment, as I would continue to torment myself (I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Though I’m now agnostic, I’ve become accustomed to some form of self-loathing and suffering in my life.)

What I “couldn’t do anymore” was to follow this “new” style of Bear football. I’m more accustomed to the Bears blowing games because their mediocre offense failed to score enough points, not because their exhausted, injury-prone, depleted and overmatched defense failed to stop opponents in the clutch.

While the former way of losing left me depressed for a few hours, this newer method of blowing victories in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter had me absolutely demoralized for days on-end. It’s like being forced to watch an endless loop of the tragic rape/sodomy/murder segments from the film Boys Don’t Cry. I’m not suggesting there’s a right way to lose, but this year’s losses are the kind where a die-hard Bear fan could shower for five hours straight without feeling clean.

When the Bears responded by going three-and-out on offense, punting the ball back to the Vikes for a potential game-tying drive, my wife replied, “Well, I’m not doing this anymore. I’ll be in the kitchen. And please don’t tear-up my sh#t this time when they lose… again!”

Fortunately for the sad tattered remnants of my sanity –as well as my wife’s sh#t– the Bears defense held with a game-clenching interception by injured rookie cornerback Zackary Bowman, who replaced one of our two injured starting cornerbacks (Both of our starting corners Nathan Vasher and Charles Tillman sat-out with injuries, along with safety Danieal Manning. I wasn’t kidding about our defense being depleted. This is the first time I’ve ever looked forward to a bye-week for my team, if only to mend the battered players and stave-off my pending coronary from watching them struggle to compete.)

A respectful nod to Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson for once again turning into John Rambo and using only an AK and a machete to massacre the generic, expansionistic, suppressive, third-world, pacific-rim, undisciplined military that was the Bears defense. Every time he takes on the Bears defense, he looks as if he was born with balls and bad-manners. And yes, that’s a compliment.

Once again, I’m singling out Chicago’s Kyle “The Future” Orton for another valiant effort. I won’t go into detail about his gameplay this Sunday, but I will say this; his 18-yard touchdown strike to Greg Olsen was a laser-strike that was thrown against triple coverage. That’s right, triple coverage. That play was as jaw-dropping as The Bourne Ultimatum’s Jason Borne talking trash to pursuing CIA Deputy Director Noah Vosen from a cell-phone… while he was in Vosen’s office. That told me all I needed to know about Kyle Orton. Who cares if he’s scruffy and funny-looking? Hell, I’m about to start rockin the neck beard look myself!

The goat award goes to Matt Forte. Granted, you were going against the run-stuffing Vikings defense, but even against the Atlanta Falcons the previous Sunday, I noticed a great deal of dancing from you. Dude, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you began this season as a beast. You were a true warrior. Why have you begun to dance in the backfield instead of making one cut and hitting the front line with conviction like you did in the beginning? Dude, this ain’t Soul Train! The staticians don’t count the yards you make while grapevining side-to-side or doing that jitterbug thing you with your feet right before the defense stops you for no gain.

I know you’re a good kid with tremendous potential, and no, I’m not picking on you just because my wife thinks you’re hot (though admittedly, that certainly hasn’t helped with my perception of your efforts). But please, pretty please; less dancing, more running!