NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks: Hangover Edition

Happy New Year and Joyous International Hangover Recovery Day to everyone! Listen, I just awoke, having lost most of New Year’s Day, along with huge chunks of my short-term and mid-term memory, to vodka and bourbon, so let’s get right to the picks so I can devote the remainder of my day to locating my cellphone, pants, and dignity.

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
I know I’m picking a rookie QB on the road in a high-pressure playoff environment, but I saw everything I needed to see from the intrepid Matt Ryan during week 6. When trailing by one against my Bears, he lofted a perfect pass to his receiver, who got out of bounds in field goal range with one second remaining. (The Falcons then won the game with a field goal on the next play as I pondered between smashing my possessions how a combination of the Bears’ choke-job and Ryan’s clutch play might contribute to the Bears’ potentially bleak playoff picture in the near future.)

Matt Ryan may be a rookie, but he plays like he’s been here before. His efforts are bolstered by a solid running game that will be facing a Cardinals defense that can’t stop the run and an offense that plays well at home, but can’t run the ball anywhere. Even the Cardinals fans aren’t convinced as they’re struggling to sellout the game. On the upside, we just might witness history in veteran QB Kurt Warner’s efforts. He might become the first QB to pass for 600+ yards in a losing effort, or he could set the playoff record for unforced fumbles and pitiful hangdog facial expressions to a plateau that may never be reached in the next three generations. Warner’s ceiling for greatness in a moral victory and/or unintentional comedy is limitless.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
When I checked the sports betting line earlier, the Colts were favored by a point. Several hours later, the odds are now even. Perplexed, I checked out NFL.com and the NFL Network for injury updates. The only notable injury I found was that Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson was listed as questionable. Then I looked at the betting line again. It almost appeared as if the Chargers’ odds of winning had improved with the announcement of an injury downgrade to their franchise RB. How does that make sense? I found this as perplexing as the reasonably attractive young women who over-plucks or over-waxes their eyebrows to the point where their facial expressions always appear to be surprised.

Speaking of which, (NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks continues here)

Week 12 NFL Procrastinated Picks

Yeah, I know. I’m even later this week than I was last week. What can I say? Life is coming at me pretty fast and furious. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve yet to come up with a valid plan for hording all the roasted turkey and dressing I can gather with minimal social appearances. If only I could figure out a way to retrieve the homemade fixins’ without all the insufferable familial bonding and frivolous informal topical conversation.

It is a common misconception that being a selfish cad is an easy feat. It takes great skill and cunning to ruthlessly capitalize on the loving, painstaking labor of others. Just ask any unscrupulous executive looking for a government buyout.

Next week I’ll submit my picks well ahead of schedule so I can fully concentrate on my turkey burglary. For now, here are my picks for week 12:

Home team in CAPS

Thursday night’s game: Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) +10.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3)
If an underdog can’t cover a double-digit spread, then that team has no heart. Am I right or am I right?

Reason why I was wrong: Apparently, the Bengals have no heart. After Thursday night’s “effort”, Coach Marvin Lewis might be an endangered species.

How bad was it? (Week 12 NFL Picks continues here)

Fortune’s Fools: The Chicago Bears lose to the Atlanta Falcons, 22-20

I think it is best that I begin the Chicago Bears’ inexplicable, improbable, and ironically foreshadowed defeat at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons in a pseudo “real-time” column. The only other alternative is to build a funeral pyre, and my landlord frowns upon open-pit fires.

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to take a 3-0 lead, I texted my wife the following message about Atlanta’s rookie QB, Matt Ryan; “This kid is carving the Bears up. He is really good.” I wasn’t overly concerned because the Bears had eliminated big plays, forcing Atlanta to take the shorter stuff. Any second and the rookie would become impatient and make a few bad decisions, right? Right?

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to increase their advantage to 6-0, I became concerned. Atlanta’s QB was not rattled and he was getting rid of the ball within three seconds, rendering the Bears pass-rush moot. I texted my wife again; “Clearly we need at least 28 points to stand a chance.”

When the Bears were forced to punt a second consecutive time, I texted my wife a third time; “We are prolly gonna lose this one.” That’s how quickly a team’s fortune can change. My Bears went from being the clear favorite to the Dillon Panthers after Jason Street’s spinal injury within 15-30 minutes.

The defining moment of the game came… (read more here)