A Banquette in Honor of the Jay Cutler Era

I just don’t know, man.

I’ve bounced it around in my head for a few days, and my position on the recent seismic shift in the NFL has been in a constant state of aftershock.

Of course, I’m referring to Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelou’s Texas No Limit, “all-in” style trade of Kyle Orton, two first-round picks, and a third-round pick for Jay Cutler, a fifth-round pick, an ounce of shimmering pixie-dust and magic smoke (for shock-and-awe affect), and a box of disposable diapers.

My initial reaction to this trade was recorded in Facebook as, “ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! GODDAMNIT SONOFABITCH!!!! LKEWRJF EOOLK MB ,MLKJ”.

In my defense, how could my reaction have been any different after trashing Cutler all week during his lover’s spat with the Denver Broncos organization and their new head coach, Shady McTwoface? Why mortgage our team’s future for a petulant, unproven premadonna, who will no-doubt be a polarizing figure in the locker room?

In contrast to Cutler’s incessant whining and bleating, Kyle Orton remained silent and professional from the opening trade rumors to the actual announcement. Granted, given his penchant for parties and drunken benders, he was probably passed-out on an empty keg in a frat-house as the news was breaking. Still, way to show that immature crybaby Cutler how a professional reacts to trade rumors, Kyle.

Initially, this “win now” gamble seemed flawed at best, and frankly, I’m still talking myself into it… but it just might work.

Sure, Jay Cutler comes across as a spoiled child, but ironically, that might work in the Bears’ favor. As a child growing up in Indiana, Cutler’s favorite team was the Bears. In essence, playing for his favorite team now would be fulfilling a lifetime ambition. Also, Cutler just left a situation where trust and communication with his head coach had flat-lined shortly after the head coach was caught trying to arrange a trade for Cutler. As a result, Cutler perceives the Broncos coach as a dishonest, low-down, no-good, double-dealing, swindler. (The previous sentence sounds better if you say it aloud while impersonating Billy-Dee Williams.)

By contrast, Coach Lovie Smith is widely respected in the locker room, and Cutler could benefit from Coach Smith’s “quiet mentoring” approach. It’s like a woman breaking up with Chris Brown before discovering that Justin Timberlake is available, and is an interested gentleman caller. Or if you’re from my generation, it’s like a woman leaving Bobby Brown for Johnny Gill. That new relationship will seem infinitely healthier than the previous one.

Obviously, once my initial shock wore off, my personal bias against Cutler and what I perceive as his inflated sense of self-entitlement slowly gave way to the reality that my Bears may have been catapulted from perennial, mediocre bubble-team to a bonafide contender.

In addition to the arrival of Jay Cutler, the Bears signed veteran and seven-time pro-bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace. Sure Pace is a bit long in the tooth, but he probably has two or three more good years left. Besides, his veteran presence and work-ethic should provide a galvanizing effect on the other offensive linemen, giving Cutler the protection he needs to throw to Hester, Olsen, and… uhm… whoever lines-up at the number-two wide-out position. Combine the retooling of our passing attack with the already proven power-run game spearheaded by Matt Forte, and suddenly the Bears offensive execution sounds more like an overture to an ominous onslaught than a prelude to a hilarious punch-line.

As for Kyle Orton, like Rex Grossman before him, I will always have a soft-spot for him, no matter how frustrated he made me. In Orton’s situation, it’s difficult to make a case for even a proven field general who can rally his troops to victory when frequently, I found myself openly wondering if my 14-year-old daughter could throw further than him. Like Grossman, Orton resembled a cuddly, furry team mascot who frequently peed in your bed, chewed on your shoes, or left putrid-scented pyramids on your freshly-cleaned carpets. But once in the blue moon, he also chased away burglars or warned you when the kitchen curtains were on fire, so you put up with him and even fed him steaks from time-to time. Farewell Kyle Orton. I will probably miss your neckbeard most of all.

Verily, as I bid a bittersweet farewell to Kyle Neckbeard Noodle-arm Orton, I say huzzah to the Jay Cutler era! So I don’t like Jay Cutler’s attitude or the actions he took to force a trade. Big deal. I put up with Chicago Bulls power-forward Dennis Rodman for three years because he was the best rebounder there was, though he was also a cross between Terrell Owens, the Cobra Kai Sensei, and the transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I can root for Cutler’s success as a Bear, as long as he delivers on my now lofty expectations.

And the bar has definitely been raised. Prior to this trade, all the average fan could realistically hope for was a victory, or even a series sweep of the hated Green Bay Packers. This trade raises the stakes considerably. Now, anything below a 10-6 season… no wait… anything less than a playoff appearance is a colossal failure.

No pressure, Jay, but Chicago offers you either a banquette in your honor, or a last meal (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Either way, eat hearty, pal.

Resolve: The Measure of a Fan

The Chicago Bears outlast the Minnesota Vikings, 48-41
(Written last Monday)

I found myself in familiar territory this Sunday while observing the Chicago Bears try to hold onto a late fourth quarter lead over the Minnesota Vikings in a shootout. Well the high-scoring shootout part was unfamiliar, but there we were, sweating-out a game with a combined 89 points scored. I never thought I’d see the day when a Bear team scores 48 points and I’m still left biting my nails, concerned about another pending defensive meltdown reaching its gut-wrenching conclusion.

As Minnesota drove to the score that would place them within a touchdown of tying the Bears, I looked at my wife and said, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” Of course, that was just an empty, rhetorical sentiment, as I would continue to torment myself (I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Though I’m now agnostic, I’ve become accustomed to some form of self-loathing and suffering in my life.)

What I “couldn’t do anymore” was to follow this “new” style of Bear football. I’m more accustomed to the Bears blowing games because their mediocre offense failed to score enough points, not because their exhausted, injury-prone, depleted and overmatched defense failed to stop opponents in the clutch.

While the former way of losing left me depressed for a few hours, this newer method of blowing victories in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter had me absolutely demoralized for days on-end. It’s like being forced to watch an endless loop of the tragic rape/sodomy/murder segments from the film Boys Don’t Cry. I’m not suggesting there’s a right way to lose, but this year’s losses are the kind where a die-hard Bear fan could shower for five hours straight without feeling clean.

When the Bears responded by going three-and-out on offense, punting the ball back to the Vikes for a potential game-tying drive, my wife replied, “Well, I’m not doing this anymore. I’ll be in the kitchen. And please don’t tear-up my sh#t this time when they lose… again!”

Fortunately for the sad tattered remnants of my sanity –as well as my wife’s sh#t– the Bears defense held with a game-clenching interception by injured rookie cornerback Zackary Bowman, who replaced one of our two injured starting cornerbacks (Both of our starting corners Nathan Vasher and Charles Tillman sat-out with injuries, along with safety Danieal Manning. I wasn’t kidding about our defense being depleted. This is the first time I’ve ever looked forward to a bye-week for my team, if only to mend the battered players and stave-off my pending coronary from watching them struggle to compete.)

A respectful nod to Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson for once again turning into John Rambo and using only an AK and a machete to massacre the generic, expansionistic, suppressive, third-world, pacific-rim, undisciplined military that was the Bears defense. Every time he takes on the Bears defense, he looks as if he was born with balls and bad-manners. And yes, that’s a compliment.

Once again, I’m singling out Chicago’s Kyle “The Future” Orton for another valiant effort. I won’t go into detail about his gameplay this Sunday, but I will say this; his 18-yard touchdown strike to Greg Olsen was a laser-strike that was thrown against triple coverage. That’s right, triple coverage. That play was as jaw-dropping as The Bourne Ultimatum’s Jason Borne talking trash to pursuing CIA Deputy Director Noah Vosen from a cell-phone… while he was in Vosen’s office. That told me all I needed to know about Kyle Orton. Who cares if he’s scruffy and funny-looking? Hell, I’m about to start rockin the neck beard look myself!

The goat award goes to Matt Forte. Granted, you were going against the run-stuffing Vikings defense, but even against the Atlanta Falcons the previous Sunday, I noticed a great deal of dancing from you. Dude, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you began this season as a beast. You were a true warrior. Why have you begun to dance in the backfield instead of making one cut and hitting the front line with conviction like you did in the beginning? Dude, this ain’t Soul Train! The staticians don’t count the yards you make while grapevining side-to-side or doing that jitterbug thing you with your feet right before the defense stops you for no gain.

I know you’re a good kid with tremendous potential, and no, I’m not picking on you just because my wife thinks you’re hot (though admittedly, that certainly hasn’t helped with my perception of your efforts). But please, pretty please; less dancing, more running!

Week 6 Matchup: Versus Atlanta Falcons

Keys to the Game

Make the game a mud-fight. There’s an old saying that goes, “Never get into a mud-fight with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.” It’s safe to say that the majority of the Bears’ games this year have been almost as pretty as a prized potbellied pig, and in keeping with that theme, the Bears will want to drag Atlanta into the mudhole with them. The Falcons will want to jump on the Bears early with several quick strikes. Chicago must slow the game down and grind the clock. Kick over the hornet’s nest and swarm to the ball, particularly when Michael Turner gets the rock. Take away the big-play threat and force quarterback Matt Ryan to check-down to his safety valves. Oh, and while he’s checking down, hit him in the mouth repeatedly. Take the high-powered, youthful enthusiasm of the rookie QB and transmutate it into impatience and frustration.

The name of our game is smashmouth. Now is the time to play it. Feed them a heavy dose of Matt Forte until they drop a safety into the box. Then go play-action, vertical-strike to our receivers. I should probably just make a template for this paragraph and keep posting it each week. NOTE: Atlanta’s run defense’s soft underbelly has been exploited before and is ripe for the taking again.

John Abraham scares me. Let’s plan on containing him. The Falcons defensive end leads the league in sacks. The Bears offensive line has pushed themselves away from the buffet table and playing inspired football. They will need to continue their efforts against and double-team Abraham at all times.

Week 6 NFL Picks (read more about my picks here)
Chicago Bears -2.5 over ATLANTA FALCONS
Carolina Panthers +2.5 over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
WASHINGTON REDSKINS -13.5 over St. Louis Rams
Miami Dolphins +3.5 over HOUSTON TEXANS
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -4.5 over Baltimore Ravens
MINNESOTA VIKINGS -13.5 Detroit Lions
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS -7.5 over Oakland Raiders
NEW YORK JETS -5.5 over Cincinnati Bengals
DENVER BRONCOS -3.5 over Jacksonville Jaguars
Dallas Cowboys -5.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS +5.5 over Philadelphia Eagles
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -2.5 over Green Bay Packers
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -6.5 over New England Patriots
New York Giants -7.5 over CLEVELAND BROWNS

Last Week: 6-8
Overall: 43-31
(read more about my picks here)

Week 4 Matchup: Versus Philadelphia Eagles

I’ve been under the weather this weekend. Perhaps it has something to with the abrupt weather changes in my region. Maybe it’s the recent changes in my sleeping patterns as a result of taking on my new job. Or, it’s equally possible that the Chicago Bears defense blowing double-digit leads in the last two defeats has shaken my soul to the core, crippling my immune system.

It has taken a monumental effort just to write this week’s matchup under these dreadful conditions. Besides, let’s face it; creating a strategy against the potent Philadelphia Eagles using the Bears current roster is a lot like trying to convince a nation that an elected official has government experience just because she can see Russia from her house.

But the more I thought about it, the less intimidating the Eagles became. Of course, the copious doses of cold medicine/beer chasers may have affected my outlook somewhat, but if the Bears employ these tactics and limit mistakes, we might stand a chance.

Offensive Keys

Figure out how to mitigate Philly’s lethal blitz packages. Since the NFL front office might consider the use of stun grenades or rubber bullets a tad too draconian, the Bears will have to employ a different scheme. They must counter aggression with speed and slight of hand. Bench the fullback for this one game and use a tandem-halfback setup. Matt Forte and Kevin Jones are both speedy, powerful backs. Put them both in the backfield, and then give the ball to one while faking it to the other. Keep Philly guessing all night. We need to use lots of screens and misdirection to keep them on their heels. Once we have them cluing into the backfield, the play-action pass should work.

Take the initiative and play downhill. It’s extremely important to battle Philly from a position of strength, meaning we must play with the lead. If we drop behind early, or are compelled to use a one-dimensional pass attack, game over. Trust me on this one.

(Look, I like Kyle “The Future” Orton. I really do. He seems like a nice guy. I love how he hands the ball to Matt Forte and gets the hell out the way. I enjoy his game-managing prowess when playing with the lead. But if we’re trailing by six with less than two minutes remaining, and your life hung in the balance of the game’s outcome, would you feel comfortable with our collective fate resting in hands? Me neither.)

Defensive Keys

Pressure Donovan McNabb. I hear that McNabb has an ailing chest. Let’s help him out by introducing him to Soldier Field’s soft grass as often as possible. Do not allow him to get comfortable in the pocket. Hit him in the sternum, shatter his dreams, and haunt his nightmares. Convince him that the boogeyman wears navy-blue and orange.

Stop the run en-route to the quarterback. The Bears are ranked 5th in the league when it comes to stuffing the run, allowing only 71.3 rushing yards per game. They should use the same run-stuffing strategy that’s been so effective in the previous three games, only they should extend their efforts towards bottling up McNabb as well. Donovan was once a prolific runner, and he’s shown similar flashes of rushing brilliance now that he’s two years removed from his ACL repair.

Do not fear Brian Westbrook, but be wary of him. Don’t ask me how to accomplish this. Just fly casual, like Han Solo told Chewbacca. The Bears secondary and linebackers are extremely fast. The only person that might not be able to match-up with Westbrook is strongside linebacker, Hunter Hillenmeyer. The Eagles line-up Westbrook at numerous spots, including the backfield, split wide, and in the slot. The Bears shouldn’t be too concerned where he is unless he’s in the slot. Then we’ll want to make sure that one of the safeties or weakside linebacker Lance Briggs picks him up.

If the Bears employ this gameplan and limit mistakes, they may stand a chance. If not, no worries. I’m fully-stocked on cold meds and Samuel Adams.

Week 4 Picks (Home team in CAPS) (Read more here)

CINCINNATI BENGALS -3.5 over Cleveland Browns
TENNESSEE TITANS -3.5 over Minnesota Vikings
Denver Broncos -9.5 over KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
San Francisco 49ers +6.5 over NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
NEW YORK JETS -2.5 over Arizona Cardinals
Green Bay Packers +1.5 over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
CAROLINA PANTHERS -7.5 over Atlanta Falcons
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -7.5 over Houston Texans
San Diego Chargers -7.5 over OAKLAND RAIDERS
Buffalo Bills -8.5 over ST. LOUIS RAMS
DALLAS COWBOYS -11.5 over Washington Redskins
Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 CHICAGO BEARS
Baltimore Ravens +7.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Last week: 9-7
Overall: 31-16

(Read more here)

Five Stages of Insanity

When Charles “Peanut” Tillman was called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (bogus call by the way), extending the Tampa Bay drive after the Chicago Bears had successfully stopped it, I shouted an obscenity and somehow flung my shoe towards the ceiling where it forcefully ricocheted and landed atop my television. This startled my wife, who complained bitterly about my abrasive actions, which only made me more abrasive as I seethed and wondered if my Chicago Bears official equipment shirt was truly flame-retardant.

It was almost as if she had never met me before, even though the very first time we watched a Bears game together she observed me swearing at the top of my lungs, punching-out my television, and flinging a chair across the room, narrowly missing the window. It’s not like I kept my singular psychosis a super secret.

For some unfathomable reason, she forgot that following any inexplicable and potentially catastrophic Chicago Bears loss, I experience the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The catch is that I experience each stage intensely and simultaneously during the 20-45 minutes following the defeat and the combined weight of these mutated stages manifests itself in unmitigated rage. Any attempt at consolation is met with hellfire and unsolicited suggestions of where to lodge certain phallic inanimate objects.

It’s best to just leave me in a room full of my things and stay clear until either I return to my senses or the intoxication of my own fury forces me to pass-out.

The point of all this is… (read more here)

Week 3 Matchup: Versus Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offensive Keys

Minimize mistakes. We can’t afford to have costly penalties or game-changing turnovers (I’m talking to you, Greg Olsen! You drop the rock just once in this game, just once, and I swear fo’ God I will drive to Chicago and boil your pet rabbit in your own kitchen like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction! I will fill your whole block with hot brass if I have to! Well, I’ll blog about it, anyway.)

Let’s get physical! Our offensive line did an excellent job last week and Matt Forte was relentless. We’ll need more of the same this week against a familiar cover-2 scheme that takes away the big play, but is susceptible to the power-run. The Bucs’ defense is athletic, but light-in-the-loafers. I don’t care if they drop eight or nine guys into the box.  We have four halfbacks. Four. The goal should be 300-plus yards on the ground. We need to punch them in the mouth until they fall, and then keep punching until Forte gets tired. Then we put his ass on the bench, get Jones out there and repeat until Tampa’s will has been broken. By then, Forte will have recovered enough to start all over again.

Play conservative. There’s no reason to take unnecessary risks. That’s why Sex Cannon was benched in the first place. Three yards and a cloud of dust is not a defeat. Three downs and punt is not necessarily a bad thing here. Tampa is no offensive threat, so we just need to do our thing and let them make all the mistakes. Do you know that the starting quarterback for the Bucs is Brian Griese? No, not Bob Griese, the hall-of-fame QB. I’m talking about his son, the guy who threw three interceptions in the end-zone against the Detroit Lions last season. The freaking Lions!  ‘Nuff said.

Defensive Keys

Stuff the gaps. The Bucs have had great success running the ball. Ernest Graham and Warrick Dunn are a formidable running crew. We need to make the point of attack on their side of the ball and stop them before they build momentum. That’s all I can think of to slow them down, other than using stun grenades or spiking their Gatorade with elephant tranquilizers.

Tackle, tackle, and mutha-effin-tackle! Missed tackles contributed to our loss against the Panthers last week. If we’re careless this week, not even Katt Williams’ irreverent comedy will deter me from wondering if I can heat my bath water using my toaster.

Remix the defense. Remember that Brian Griese has thrown against the Bears’ first-string unit numerous times in practice and may have some familiarity. If he’s had success against certain looks, it’s time to throw those schemes out and reboot the coverages.

Did I mention that Brian Griese is the starting QB for the Bucs? Blitz his ass. Blitz him on first down. Blitz him on second down. Blitz him on third down. Crack wise about his mama when he’s on the sideline. Keep calling him “Bob” and pretend that it’s an accident. Compliment his full breasts and vagina. Whisper about his pretty mouth into his helmet’s earhole. Eventually he’ll snap and start throwing the ball directly to the first opposing player he sees, just like old times.

Week 3 Picks (Home team in CAPS) – Read more about week 3 picks here

ATLANTA FALCONS -4.5 over Kansas City Chiefs

BUFFALO BILLS -8.5 over Oakland Raiders

CHICAGO BEARS -3.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

TENNESSEE TITANS -4.5 over Houston Texans

Carolina Panthers +3.5 over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Miami Dolphins +12.5 over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

NEW YORK GIANTS -13.5 over Cincinnati Bengals

WASHINGTON REDSKINS -3.5 over Arizona Cardinals

DENVER BRONCOS -5.5 over New Orleans Saints

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -3.5 over Detroit Lions

St. Louis Rams +9.5 over SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

BALTIMORE RAVENS -1.5 over Cleveland Browns

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -2.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -5.5 over Jacksonville Jaguars

Dallas Cowboys -2.5 over GREEN BAY PACKERS

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -8.5 over New York Jets

Last Week: 10-6

Overall: 22-10

Read more about week 3 picks here

 

 

Chicago Bears Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

I observed much of week two slack-jawed and dumbfounded. Obviously, the Chicago Bear choke-job versus the Carolina Panthers left me so numb that I didn’t even have the energy to take my frustration out on my family. I just sat, staring off into space mumbling repeatedly to myself, “Dude, what the hell just happened?”

To recap, the Bears carried a 14-point lead into the twilight of the third quarter, and then promptly surrendered 17 unanswered points, falling to the Panthers, 20-17. It was like watching the Jedi get slaughtered during the tragic downfall scene of Revenge of the Sith all over again.

How was this possible? Honestly, stranger things have happened, and once I regained composure long enough to recall the details, it was apparent that the bitter stench of this gut-wrenching defeat had already been foreshadowed. Read More