A Banquette in Honor of the Jay Cutler Era

I just don’t know, man.

I’ve bounced it around in my head for a few days, and my position on the recent seismic shift in the NFL has been in a constant state of aftershock.

Of course, I’m referring to Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelou’s Texas No Limit, “all-in” style trade of Kyle Orton, two first-round picks, and a third-round pick for Jay Cutler, a fifth-round pick, an ounce of shimmering pixie-dust and magic smoke (for shock-and-awe affect), and a box of disposable diapers.

My initial reaction to this trade was recorded in Facebook as, “ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! GODDAMNIT SONOFABITCH!!!! LKEWRJF EOOLK MB ,MLKJ”.

In my defense, how could my reaction have been any different after trashing Cutler all week during his lover’s spat with the Denver Broncos organization and their new head coach, Shady McTwoface? Why mortgage our team’s future for a petulant, unproven premadonna, who will no-doubt be a polarizing figure in the locker room?

In contrast to Cutler’s incessant whining and bleating, Kyle Orton remained silent and professional from the opening trade rumors to the actual announcement. Granted, given his penchant for parties and drunken benders, he was probably passed-out on an empty keg in a frat-house as the news was breaking. Still, way to show that immature crybaby Cutler how a professional reacts to trade rumors, Kyle.

Initially, this “win now” gamble seemed flawed at best, and frankly, I’m still talking myself into it… but it just might work.

Sure, Jay Cutler comes across as a spoiled child, but ironically, that might work in the Bears’ favor. As a child growing up in Indiana, Cutler’s favorite team was the Bears. In essence, playing for his favorite team now would be fulfilling a lifetime ambition. Also, Cutler just left a situation where trust and communication with his head coach had flat-lined shortly after the head coach was caught trying to arrange a trade for Cutler. As a result, Cutler perceives the Broncos coach as a dishonest, low-down, no-good, double-dealing, swindler. (The previous sentence sounds better if you say it aloud while impersonating Billy-Dee Williams.)

By contrast, Coach Lovie Smith is widely respected in the locker room, and Cutler could benefit from Coach Smith’s “quiet mentoring” approach. It’s like a woman breaking up with Chris Brown before discovering that Justin Timberlake is available, and is an interested gentleman caller. Or if you’re from my generation, it’s like a woman leaving Bobby Brown for Johnny Gill. That new relationship will seem infinitely healthier than the previous one.

Obviously, once my initial shock wore off, my personal bias against Cutler and what I perceive as his inflated sense of self-entitlement slowly gave way to the reality that my Bears may have been catapulted from perennial, mediocre bubble-team to a bonafide contender.

In addition to the arrival of Jay Cutler, the Bears signed veteran and seven-time pro-bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace. Sure Pace is a bit long in the tooth, but he probably has two or three more good years left. Besides, his veteran presence and work-ethic should provide a galvanizing effect on the other offensive linemen, giving Cutler the protection he needs to throw to Hester, Olsen, and… uhm… whoever lines-up at the number-two wide-out position. Combine the retooling of our passing attack with the already proven power-run game spearheaded by Matt Forte, and suddenly the Bears offensive execution sounds more like an overture to an ominous onslaught than a prelude to a hilarious punch-line.

As for Kyle Orton, like Rex Grossman before him, I will always have a soft-spot for him, no matter how frustrated he made me. In Orton’s situation, it’s difficult to make a case for even a proven field general who can rally his troops to victory when frequently, I found myself openly wondering if my 14-year-old daughter could throw further than him. Like Grossman, Orton resembled a cuddly, furry team mascot who frequently peed in your bed, chewed on your shoes, or left putrid-scented pyramids on your freshly-cleaned carpets. But once in the blue moon, he also chased away burglars or warned you when the kitchen curtains were on fire, so you put up with him and even fed him steaks from time-to time. Farewell Kyle Orton. I will probably miss your neckbeard most of all.

Verily, as I bid a bittersweet farewell to Kyle Neckbeard Noodle-arm Orton, I say huzzah to the Jay Cutler era! So I don’t like Jay Cutler’s attitude or the actions he took to force a trade. Big deal. I put up with Chicago Bulls power-forward Dennis Rodman for three years because he was the best rebounder there was, though he was also a cross between Terrell Owens, the Cobra Kai Sensei, and the transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I can root for Cutler’s success as a Bear, as long as he delivers on my now lofty expectations.

And the bar has definitely been raised. Prior to this trade, all the average fan could realistically hope for was a victory, or even a series sweep of the hated Green Bay Packers. This trade raises the stakes considerably. Now, anything below a 10-6 season… no wait… anything less than a playoff appearance is a colossal failure.

No pressure, Jay, but Chicago offers you either a banquette in your honor, or a last meal (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Either way, eat hearty, pal.

NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks: Hangover Edition

Happy New Year and Joyous International Hangover Recovery Day to everyone! Listen, I just awoke, having lost most of New Year’s Day, along with huge chunks of my short-term and mid-term memory, to vodka and bourbon, so let’s get right to the picks so I can devote the remainder of my day to locating my cellphone, pants, and dignity.

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
I know I’m picking a rookie QB on the road in a high-pressure playoff environment, but I saw everything I needed to see from the intrepid Matt Ryan during week 6. When trailing by one against my Bears, he lofted a perfect pass to his receiver, who got out of bounds in field goal range with one second remaining. (The Falcons then won the game with a field goal on the next play as I pondered between smashing my possessions how a combination of the Bears’ choke-job and Ryan’s clutch play might contribute to the Bears’ potentially bleak playoff picture in the near future.)

Matt Ryan may be a rookie, but he plays like he’s been here before. His efforts are bolstered by a solid running game that will be facing a Cardinals defense that can’t stop the run and an offense that plays well at home, but can’t run the ball anywhere. Even the Cardinals fans aren’t convinced as they’re struggling to sellout the game. On the upside, we just might witness history in veteran QB Kurt Warner’s efforts. He might become the first QB to pass for 600+ yards in a losing effort, or he could set the playoff record for unforced fumbles and pitiful hangdog facial expressions to a plateau that may never be reached in the next three generations. Warner’s ceiling for greatness in a moral victory and/or unintentional comedy is limitless.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
When I checked the sports betting line earlier, the Colts were favored by a point. Several hours later, the odds are now even. Perplexed, I checked out NFL.com and the NFL Network for injury updates. The only notable injury I found was that Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson was listed as questionable. Then I looked at the betting line again. It almost appeared as if the Chargers’ odds of winning had improved with the announcement of an injury downgrade to their franchise RB. How does that make sense? I found this as perplexing as the reasonably attractive young women who over-plucks or over-waxes their eyebrows to the point where their facial expressions always appear to be surprised.

Speaking of which, (NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks continues here)

Week 11 NFL Procrastinated Picks

I was supposed to get these picks to Caitlin before Thursday night’s game. Well, I don’t actually have a deadline, but I do have my own personal code of conduct and, well frankly, I’ve failed myself this week.

But I have good excuses reasons! My work-hours fluctuated wildly. I had numerous events and not nearly enough time. My wife’s birthday was this week. My dog ate my homework.

Ok, so I don’t own a dog.

Fortunately, I came up with a new idea to deal with the game that just wrapped up. I’ll post my pick for tonight’s game anyway, along with a brief sentence on why I was proven right or wrong. In fact, the one-sentence theme got so good to me that I tried keeping the format for the entire column, with varying degrees of success/failure.

I went with the observant statement. I borrowed from classics and Eastern philosophy. I even waxed poetically, weaving metaphors together like some kind of… hell… I dunno… metaphor-weaver.

Shut-up! What do you want from me? I’m tired!

On to the picks (home-team in CAPS)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3.5 over New York Jets
…and mighty Brett Favre gazed upon his all-time interception record of 300 and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

Why I was wrong about this pick: The fact that Matt Cassel cannot hit Randy Moss on a go-route, combined with a bruising, physical cornerback who isn’t afraid to jam him, reduced Moss to a sulking, crappy Napoleon Dynamite impersonation for most of the night.

(My Week 11 NFL Picks continue here)

Resolve: The Measure of a Fan

The Chicago Bears outlast the Minnesota Vikings, 48-41
(Written last Monday)

I found myself in familiar territory this Sunday while observing the Chicago Bears try to hold onto a late fourth quarter lead over the Minnesota Vikings in a shootout. Well the high-scoring shootout part was unfamiliar, but there we were, sweating-out a game with a combined 89 points scored. I never thought I’d see the day when a Bear team scores 48 points and I’m still left biting my nails, concerned about another pending defensive meltdown reaching its gut-wrenching conclusion.

As Minnesota drove to the score that would place them within a touchdown of tying the Bears, I looked at my wife and said, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” Of course, that was just an empty, rhetorical sentiment, as I would continue to torment myself (I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Though I’m now agnostic, I’ve become accustomed to some form of self-loathing and suffering in my life.)

What I “couldn’t do anymore” was to follow this “new” style of Bear football. I’m more accustomed to the Bears blowing games because their mediocre offense failed to score enough points, not because their exhausted, injury-prone, depleted and overmatched defense failed to stop opponents in the clutch.

While the former way of losing left me depressed for a few hours, this newer method of blowing victories in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter had me absolutely demoralized for days on-end. It’s like being forced to watch an endless loop of the tragic rape/sodomy/murder segments from the film Boys Don’t Cry. I’m not suggesting there’s a right way to lose, but this year’s losses are the kind where a die-hard Bear fan could shower for five hours straight without feeling clean.

When the Bears responded by going three-and-out on offense, punting the ball back to the Vikes for a potential game-tying drive, my wife replied, “Well, I’m not doing this anymore. I’ll be in the kitchen. And please don’t tear-up my sh#t this time when they lose… again!”

Fortunately for the sad tattered remnants of my sanity –as well as my wife’s sh#t– the Bears defense held with a game-clenching interception by injured rookie cornerback Zackary Bowman, who replaced one of our two injured starting cornerbacks (Both of our starting corners Nathan Vasher and Charles Tillman sat-out with injuries, along with safety Danieal Manning. I wasn’t kidding about our defense being depleted. This is the first time I’ve ever looked forward to a bye-week for my team, if only to mend the battered players and stave-off my pending coronary from watching them struggle to compete.)

A respectful nod to Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson for once again turning into John Rambo and using only an AK and a machete to massacre the generic, expansionistic, suppressive, third-world, pacific-rim, undisciplined military that was the Bears defense. Every time he takes on the Bears defense, he looks as if he was born with balls and bad-manners. And yes, that’s a compliment.

Once again, I’m singling out Chicago’s Kyle “The Future” Orton for another valiant effort. I won’t go into detail about his gameplay this Sunday, but I will say this; his 18-yard touchdown strike to Greg Olsen was a laser-strike that was thrown against triple coverage. That’s right, triple coverage. That play was as jaw-dropping as The Bourne Ultimatum’s Jason Borne talking trash to pursuing CIA Deputy Director Noah Vosen from a cell-phone… while he was in Vosen’s office. That told me all I needed to know about Kyle Orton. Who cares if he’s scruffy and funny-looking? Hell, I’m about to start rockin the neck beard look myself!

The goat award goes to Matt Forte. Granted, you were going against the run-stuffing Vikings defense, but even against the Atlanta Falcons the previous Sunday, I noticed a great deal of dancing from you. Dude, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you began this season as a beast. You were a true warrior. Why have you begun to dance in the backfield instead of making one cut and hitting the front line with conviction like you did in the beginning? Dude, this ain’t Soul Train! The staticians don’t count the yards you make while grapevining side-to-side or doing that jitterbug thing you with your feet right before the defense stops you for no gain.

I know you’re a good kid with tremendous potential, and no, I’m not picking on you just because my wife thinks you’re hot (though admittedly, that certainly hasn’t helped with my perception of your efforts). But please, pretty please; less dancing, more running!

Fortune’s Fools: The Chicago Bears lose to the Atlanta Falcons, 22-20

I think it is best that I begin the Chicago Bears’ inexplicable, improbable, and ironically foreshadowed defeat at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons in a pseudo “real-time” column. The only other alternative is to build a funeral pyre, and my landlord frowns upon open-pit fires.

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to take a 3-0 lead, I texted my wife the following message about Atlanta’s rookie QB, Matt Ryan; “This kid is carving the Bears up. He is really good.” I wasn’t overly concerned because the Bears had eliminated big plays, forcing Atlanta to take the shorter stuff. Any second and the rookie would become impatient and make a few bad decisions, right? Right?

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to increase their advantage to 6-0, I became concerned. Atlanta’s QB was not rattled and he was getting rid of the ball within three seconds, rendering the Bears pass-rush moot. I texted my wife again; “Clearly we need at least 28 points to stand a chance.”

When the Bears were forced to punt a second consecutive time, I texted my wife a third time; “We are prolly gonna lose this one.” That’s how quickly a team’s fortune can change. My Bears went from being the clear favorite to the Dillon Panthers after Jason Street’s spinal injury within 15-30 minutes.

The defining moment of the game came… (read more here)

Who Are These Guys?

Despite the Chicago Bears dominating the Detroit Lions, winning by the score of 34-7, I’m still left with mixed emotions. We are five games into the season and I still don’t know what to make of the Bears.

Against good teams that were hampered by key injuries and other personnel issues, the Bears broke even, winning twice and losing twice. What’s more damning is the fact that the Bears lead each game deep into the fourth quarter. They should probably be undefeated right now.

And after destroying the Lions today, the Bears are now undefeated against teams that are being coached and managed by Piggy from Lord of the Flies. But what does that tell me about the Bears, other than they can play the role of schoolyard bully when pummeling the kids who receive gold stars for not going number-two on themselves during recess?

The bad news is… (read more here)

Week 4 Matchup: Versus Philadelphia Eagles

I’ve been under the weather this weekend. Perhaps it has something to with the abrupt weather changes in my region. Maybe it’s the recent changes in my sleeping patterns as a result of taking on my new job. Or, it’s equally possible that the Chicago Bears defense blowing double-digit leads in the last two defeats has shaken my soul to the core, crippling my immune system.

It has taken a monumental effort just to write this week’s matchup under these dreadful conditions. Besides, let’s face it; creating a strategy against the potent Philadelphia Eagles using the Bears current roster is a lot like trying to convince a nation that an elected official has government experience just because she can see Russia from her house.

But the more I thought about it, the less intimidating the Eagles became. Of course, the copious doses of cold medicine/beer chasers may have affected my outlook somewhat, but if the Bears employ these tactics and limit mistakes, we might stand a chance.

Offensive Keys

Figure out how to mitigate Philly’s lethal blitz packages. Since the NFL front office might consider the use of stun grenades or rubber bullets a tad too draconian, the Bears will have to employ a different scheme. They must counter aggression with speed and slight of hand. Bench the fullback for this one game and use a tandem-halfback setup. Matt Forte and Kevin Jones are both speedy, powerful backs. Put them both in the backfield, and then give the ball to one while faking it to the other. Keep Philly guessing all night. We need to use lots of screens and misdirection to keep them on their heels. Once we have them cluing into the backfield, the play-action pass should work.

Take the initiative and play downhill. It’s extremely important to battle Philly from a position of strength, meaning we must play with the lead. If we drop behind early, or are compelled to use a one-dimensional pass attack, game over. Trust me on this one.

(Look, I like Kyle “The Future” Orton. I really do. He seems like a nice guy. I love how he hands the ball to Matt Forte and gets the hell out the way. I enjoy his game-managing prowess when playing with the lead. But if we’re trailing by six with less than two minutes remaining, and your life hung in the balance of the game’s outcome, would you feel comfortable with our collective fate resting in hands? Me neither.)

Defensive Keys

Pressure Donovan McNabb. I hear that McNabb has an ailing chest. Let’s help him out by introducing him to Soldier Field’s soft grass as often as possible. Do not allow him to get comfortable in the pocket. Hit him in the sternum, shatter his dreams, and haunt his nightmares. Convince him that the boogeyman wears navy-blue and orange.

Stop the run en-route to the quarterback. The Bears are ranked 5th in the league when it comes to stuffing the run, allowing only 71.3 rushing yards per game. They should use the same run-stuffing strategy that’s been so effective in the previous three games, only they should extend their efforts towards bottling up McNabb as well. Donovan was once a prolific runner, and he’s shown similar flashes of rushing brilliance now that he’s two years removed from his ACL repair.

Do not fear Brian Westbrook, but be wary of him. Don’t ask me how to accomplish this. Just fly casual, like Han Solo told Chewbacca. The Bears secondary and linebackers are extremely fast. The only person that might not be able to match-up with Westbrook is strongside linebacker, Hunter Hillenmeyer. The Eagles line-up Westbrook at numerous spots, including the backfield, split wide, and in the slot. The Bears shouldn’t be too concerned where he is unless he’s in the slot. Then we’ll want to make sure that one of the safeties or weakside linebacker Lance Briggs picks him up.

If the Bears employ this gameplan and limit mistakes, they may stand a chance. If not, no worries. I’m fully-stocked on cold meds and Samuel Adams.

Week 4 Picks (Home team in CAPS) (Read more here)

CINCINNATI BENGALS -3.5 over Cleveland Browns
TENNESSEE TITANS -3.5 over Minnesota Vikings
Denver Broncos -9.5 over KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
San Francisco 49ers +6.5 over NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
NEW YORK JETS -2.5 over Arizona Cardinals
Green Bay Packers +1.5 over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
CAROLINA PANTHERS -7.5 over Atlanta Falcons
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -7.5 over Houston Texans
San Diego Chargers -7.5 over OAKLAND RAIDERS
Buffalo Bills -8.5 over ST. LOUIS RAMS
DALLAS COWBOYS -11.5 over Washington Redskins
Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 CHICAGO BEARS
Baltimore Ravens +7.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Last week: 9-7
Overall: 31-16

(Read more here)