Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here

Week 12 NFL Procrastinated Picks

Yeah, I know. I’m even later this week than I was last week. What can I say? Life is coming at me pretty fast and furious. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve yet to come up with a valid plan for hording all the roasted turkey and dressing I can gather with minimal social appearances. If only I could figure out a way to retrieve the homemade fixins’ without all the insufferable familial bonding and frivolous informal topical conversation.

It is a common misconception that being a selfish cad is an easy feat. It takes great skill and cunning to ruthlessly capitalize on the loving, painstaking labor of others. Just ask any unscrupulous executive looking for a government buyout.

Next week I’ll submit my picks well ahead of schedule so I can fully concentrate on my turkey burglary. For now, here are my picks for week 12:

Home team in CAPS

Thursday night’s game: Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) +10.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3)
If an underdog can’t cover a double-digit spread, then that team has no heart. Am I right or am I right?

Reason why I was wrong: Apparently, the Bengals have no heart. After Thursday night’s “effort”, Coach Marvin Lewis might be an endangered species.

How bad was it? (Week 12 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 11 NFL Procrastinated Picks

I was supposed to get these picks to Caitlin before Thursday night’s game. Well, I don’t actually have a deadline, but I do have my own personal code of conduct and, well frankly, I’ve failed myself this week.

But I have good excuses reasons! My work-hours fluctuated wildly. I had numerous events and not nearly enough time. My wife’s birthday was this week. My dog ate my homework.

Ok, so I don’t own a dog.

Fortunately, I came up with a new idea to deal with the game that just wrapped up. I’ll post my pick for tonight’s game anyway, along with a brief sentence on why I was proven right or wrong. In fact, the one-sentence theme got so good to me that I tried keeping the format for the entire column, with varying degrees of success/failure.

I went with the observant statement. I borrowed from classics and Eastern philosophy. I even waxed poetically, weaving metaphors together like some kind of… hell… I dunno… metaphor-weaver.

Shut-up! What do you want from me? I’m tired!

On to the picks (home-team in CAPS)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3.5 over New York Jets
…and mighty Brett Favre gazed upon his all-time interception record of 300 and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

Why I was wrong about this pick: The fact that Matt Cassel cannot hit Randy Moss on a go-route, combined with a bruising, physical cornerback who isn’t afraid to jam him, reduced Moss to a sulking, crappy Napoleon Dynamite impersonation for most of the night.

(My Week 11 NFL Picks continue here)