Week 16 NFL Picks: Snow Day

Most Midwesterners scoff when Seattle residents complain about receiving a few snow flurries. As a native Chicagoan, I was once one of those scoffers. Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered two things: (1) Driving in the snow on the flat terrain of the Great Plains is drastically different from the steep hills of the Puget Sound region and (2) I’ve never actually driven in the snow through any terrain before.

That made yesterday’s drive home through the snow drifts of Greater Seattle all the more harrowing. What was normally a leisurely 45-minute commute became a two-hour white-knuckled joyride to the Apocalypse. I would have been almost as comfortable in the passenger seat offering suggestions to my driverless, wayward Toyota Matrix.

Somehow, through a combination of my limited driving skills and the idiocy of fate, I emerged unscathed. Unwilling to test my luck again, I opted to check the weather reports in the morning.

Obviously, I did not expect to awaken to several more inches of snow in my driveway, nor did I anticipate being awakened by “thunder-snowing”. I’ve never encountered thunder-snowing before. Never imagined it was possible. Nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, or Biblical tales have never mentioned thunder-snowing, so imagine my shock and horror.

The bad news is, assuming the weather had some perverse vendetta against me, I took a snow day and stayed home. The good news is that I had plenty of time to devote to my weekly NFL picks.

(Week 16 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here

Week 12 NFL Procrastinated Picks

Yeah, I know. I’m even later this week than I was last week. What can I say? Life is coming at me pretty fast and furious. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve yet to come up with a valid plan for hording all the roasted turkey and dressing I can gather with minimal social appearances. If only I could figure out a way to retrieve the homemade fixins’ without all the insufferable familial bonding and frivolous informal topical conversation.

It is a common misconception that being a selfish cad is an easy feat. It takes great skill and cunning to ruthlessly capitalize on the loving, painstaking labor of others. Just ask any unscrupulous executive looking for a government buyout.

Next week I’ll submit my picks well ahead of schedule so I can fully concentrate on my turkey burglary. For now, here are my picks for week 12:

Home team in CAPS

Thursday night’s game: Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) +10.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3)
If an underdog can’t cover a double-digit spread, then that team has no heart. Am I right or am I right?

Reason why I was wrong: Apparently, the Bengals have no heart. After Thursday night’s “effort”, Coach Marvin Lewis might be an endangered species.

How bad was it? (Week 12 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 11 NFL Procrastinated Picks

I was supposed to get these picks to Caitlin before Thursday night’s game. Well, I don’t actually have a deadline, but I do have my own personal code of conduct and, well frankly, I’ve failed myself this week.

But I have good excuses reasons! My work-hours fluctuated wildly. I had numerous events and not nearly enough time. My wife’s birthday was this week. My dog ate my homework.

Ok, so I don’t own a dog.

Fortunately, I came up with a new idea to deal with the game that just wrapped up. I’ll post my pick for tonight’s game anyway, along with a brief sentence on why I was proven right or wrong. In fact, the one-sentence theme got so good to me that I tried keeping the format for the entire column, with varying degrees of success/failure.

I went with the observant statement. I borrowed from classics and Eastern philosophy. I even waxed poetically, weaving metaphors together like some kind of… hell… I dunno… metaphor-weaver.

Shut-up! What do you want from me? I’m tired!

On to the picks (home-team in CAPS)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3.5 over New York Jets
…and mighty Brett Favre gazed upon his all-time interception record of 300 and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

Why I was wrong about this pick: The fact that Matt Cassel cannot hit Randy Moss on a go-route, combined with a bruising, physical cornerback who isn’t afraid to jam him, reduced Moss to a sulking, crappy Napoleon Dynamite impersonation for most of the night.

(My Week 11 NFL Picks continue here)

Week 8 NFL Picks

The Chicago Bears are on a bye this week, which means it’s now safe for me to exhale, dim the lights, pour a tumbler of bourbon, put my Jill Scott CD on repeat, and crank out another dose of smooth, smooth picks. Aww-yeah… I can just feel the tension oozing down my spine… recession, stock-market plummet-be-damned!

I’m ready baby. I’m ready to pick against the spread like I’ve never picked before, so spread ‘em.

As always, the home teams are in CAPS.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +3.5 over DALLAS COWBOYS
The Bucs are rolling with a still pissed-off Jeff Garcia at QB. Last week the Cowboys had their heads handed to them by the lowly Rams. All the attention is on Tony Romo’s broken pinky, but it’s not like Romo can play defense for the Cowboys. I feel the most sorry for Jessica Simpson, who will not only be unfairly blamed for the Dallas downfall, but will also be without the services of Romo’s “business” hand for a few more weeks.

Washington Redskins -7.5 over DETROIT LIONS
I almost talked myself into taking the Lions and the points. Yes I really am that stupid.

Buffalo Bills -1.5 over MIAMI DOLPHINS
The Baltimore Ravens provided the blueprint for shutting down the Dolphin’s “wildcat” formation last week. I’d wager my imaginary fortune that the Bills front-seven was paying close attention.

St. Louis Rams +7.5 over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
St. Louis is 2-0 since replacing their head coach with their defensive coordinator, including a convincing old-fashioned ass-whipping of the Cowboys. It’s too early to call this move a success, but I’ll still take the St. Louis fixer-upper over the Pats game-managing QB and Ol’ Yella defense.
(article continues here)