Fortune’s Fools: The Chicago Bears lose to the Atlanta Falcons, 22-20

I think it is best that I begin the Chicago Bears’ inexplicable, improbable, and ironically foreshadowed defeat at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons in a pseudo “real-time” column. The only other alternative is to build a funeral pyre, and my landlord frowns upon open-pit fires.

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to take a 3-0 lead, I texted my wife the following message about Atlanta’s rookie QB, Matt Ryan; “This kid is carving the Bears up. He is really good.” I wasn’t overly concerned because the Bears had eliminated big plays, forcing Atlanta to take the shorter stuff. Any second and the rookie would become impatient and make a few bad decisions, right? Right?

After the Falcons drove the ball the length of the field to increase their advantage to 6-0, I became concerned. Atlanta’s QB was not rattled and he was getting rid of the ball within three seconds, rendering the Bears pass-rush moot. I texted my wife again; “Clearly we need at least 28 points to stand a chance.”

When the Bears were forced to punt a second consecutive time, I texted my wife a third time; “We are prolly gonna lose this one.” That’s how quickly a team’s fortune can change. My Bears went from being the clear favorite to the Dillon Panthers after Jason Street’s spinal injury within 15-30 minutes.

The defining moment of the game came… (read more here)

Who Are These Guys?

Despite the Chicago Bears dominating the Detroit Lions, winning by the score of 34-7, I’m still left with mixed emotions. We are five games into the season and I still don’t know what to make of the Bears.

Against good teams that were hampered by key injuries and other personnel issues, the Bears broke even, winning twice and losing twice. What’s more damning is the fact that the Bears lead each game deep into the fourth quarter. They should probably be undefeated right now.

And after destroying the Lions today, the Bears are now undefeated against teams that are being coached and managed by Piggy from Lord of the Flies. But what does that tell me about the Bears, other than they can play the role of schoolyard bully when pummeling the kids who receive gold stars for not going number-two on themselves during recess?

The bad news is… (read more here)

Five Stages of Insanity

When Charles “Peanut” Tillman was called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (bogus call by the way), extending the Tampa Bay drive after the Chicago Bears had successfully stopped it, I shouted an obscenity and somehow flung my shoe towards the ceiling where it forcefully ricocheted and landed atop my television. This startled my wife, who complained bitterly about my abrasive actions, which only made me more abrasive as I seethed and wondered if my Chicago Bears official equipment shirt was truly flame-retardant.

It was almost as if she had never met me before, even though the very first time we watched a Bears game together she observed me swearing at the top of my lungs, punching-out my television, and flinging a chair across the room, narrowly missing the window. It’s not like I kept my singular psychosis a super secret.

For some unfathomable reason, she forgot that following any inexplicable and potentially catastrophic Chicago Bears loss, I experience the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The catch is that I experience each stage intensely and simultaneously during the 20-45 minutes following the defeat and the combined weight of these mutated stages manifests itself in unmitigated rage. Any attempt at consolation is met with hellfire and unsolicited suggestions of where to lodge certain phallic inanimate objects.

It’s best to just leave me in a room full of my things and stay clear until either I return to my senses or the intoxication of my own fury forces me to pass-out.

The point of all this is… (read more here)

Chicago Bears Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

I observed much of week two slack-jawed and dumbfounded. Obviously, the Chicago Bear choke-job versus the Carolina Panthers left me so numb that I didn’t even have the energy to take my frustration out on my family. I just sat, staring off into space mumbling repeatedly to myself, “Dude, what the hell just happened?”

To recap, the Bears carried a 14-point lead into the twilight of the third quarter, and then promptly surrendered 17 unanswered points, falling to the Panthers, 20-17. It was like watching the Jedi get slaughtered during the tragic downfall scene of Revenge of the Sith all over again.

How was this possible? Honestly, stranger things have happened, and once I regained composure long enough to recall the details, it was apparent that the bitter stench of this gut-wrenching defeat had already been foreshadowed. Read More