NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks: The Worst That Can Happen

As always, home team is in CAPS.

Baltimore Ravens +3.0 over TENNESSEE TITANS
Upset Special: I expected the Ravens defense to single-handedly defeat the Dolphins last week, and they did. But I didn’t anticipate them to impose their will in such a ferocious, dominating fashion. Baltimore takes their band of purple terror on the road to face a team built in similar fashion (Solid running game, dominating defense, game-managing QB who is only asked not to screw-up).

On paper, Tennessee has the advantage. The experience of Titans veteran QB Kerry Collins seems to trump Rookie QB Joe Flacco’s youthful exuberance, especially after Flacco’s shaky performance against the Dolphins. Flacco will be on the road again, this time in a cooler, more hostile environment. The tealeaves say advantage: Titans.

But… (NFL Divisional Playoff Round Picks continues here)

NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks: Hangover Edition

Happy New Year and Joyous International Hangover Recovery Day to everyone! Listen, I just awoke, having lost most of New Year’s Day, along with huge chunks of my short-term and mid-term memory, to vodka and bourbon, so let’s get right to the picks so I can devote the remainder of my day to locating my cellphone, pants, and dignity.

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
I know I’m picking a rookie QB on the road in a high-pressure playoff environment, but I saw everything I needed to see from the intrepid Matt Ryan during week 6. When trailing by one against my Bears, he lofted a perfect pass to his receiver, who got out of bounds in field goal range with one second remaining. (The Falcons then won the game with a field goal on the next play as I pondered between smashing my possessions how a combination of the Bears’ choke-job and Ryan’s clutch play might contribute to the Bears’ potentially bleak playoff picture in the near future.)

Matt Ryan may be a rookie, but he plays like he’s been here before. His efforts are bolstered by a solid running game that will be facing a Cardinals defense that can’t stop the run and an offense that plays well at home, but can’t run the ball anywhere. Even the Cardinals fans aren’t convinced as they’re struggling to sellout the game. On the upside, we just might witness history in veteran QB Kurt Warner’s efforts. He might become the first QB to pass for 600+ yards in a losing effort, or he could set the playoff record for unforced fumbles and pitiful hangdog facial expressions to a plateau that may never be reached in the next three generations. Warner’s ceiling for greatness in a moral victory and/or unintentional comedy is limitless.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
When I checked the sports betting line earlier, the Colts were favored by a point. Several hours later, the odds are now even. Perplexed, I checked out NFL.com and the NFL Network for injury updates. The only notable injury I found was that Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson was listed as questionable. Then I looked at the betting line again. It almost appeared as if the Chargers’ odds of winning had improved with the announcement of an injury downgrade to their franchise RB. How does that make sense? I found this as perplexing as the reasonably attractive young women who over-plucks or over-waxes their eyebrows to the point where their facial expressions always appear to be surprised.

Speaking of which, (NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks continues here)

Week 16 NFL Picks: Snow Day

Most Midwesterners scoff when Seattle residents complain about receiving a few snow flurries. As a native Chicagoan, I was once one of those scoffers. Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered two things: (1) Driving in the snow on the flat terrain of the Great Plains is drastically different from the steep hills of the Puget Sound region and (2) I’ve never actually driven in the snow through any terrain before.

That made yesterday’s drive home through the snow drifts of Greater Seattle all the more harrowing. What was normally a leisurely 45-minute commute became a two-hour white-knuckled joyride to the Apocalypse. I would have been almost as comfortable in the passenger seat offering suggestions to my driverless, wayward Toyota Matrix.

Somehow, through a combination of my limited driving skills and the idiocy of fate, I emerged unscathed. Unwilling to test my luck again, I opted to check the weather reports in the morning.

Obviously, I did not expect to awaken to several more inches of snow in my driveway, nor did I anticipate being awakened by “thunder-snowing”. I’ve never encountered thunder-snowing before. Never imagined it was possible. Nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, or Biblical tales have never mentioned thunder-snowing, so imagine my shock and horror.

The bad news is, assuming the weather had some perverse vendetta against me, I took a snow day and stayed home. The good news is that I had plenty of time to devote to my weekly NFL picks.

(Week 16 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 15 NFL Picks

In an unprecedented event, I am picking all favorites this week. That’s right, 100 percent favorites, across the board.

I didn’t do it intentionally to be ironic or cool. I didn’t do it because I was feeling cowardly, brazen, or even lucky. My motivation wasn’t even laziness, like it normally is (Speaking of laziness, I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week’s picks. I’m squeezing this week’s article between Christmas shopping, two flag football tournaments, and suppressing my gag-reflex while watching my Bears offensive unit flail about like baby seals trying to escape a poacher’s club. Not a good look, Chicago.)

I sat down and reflected deeply upon this week like a Zen master, using scented candles and index cards. Alright, so I guzzled Bourbon and picked from my gut like I always do. But still, though I’m slightly unnerved by the symmetrical properties of this week’s picks, screw it. I’m sticking with it.

On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS

Thursday night’s game
CHICAGO BEARS (7-6) -2.5 over New Orleans Saints (7-6)
Drew Brees is historically not a fan of Chicago’s frozen turf. It chafes his backside.

Why I was right: All I know is that his was one of the worst games I’ve ever watched in terms of mutual offensive decision-making and execution. It was as if both head coaches picked random foreign exchange students to call their plays. Just flat-out painful to watch.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5) -2.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
The Bucs “ferocious” run defense has a suspect chin. Atlanta exploits the combo revealed by the Panthers last Monday.

Washington Redskins (7-6) -6.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-11)
Though there’s drama in D.C., ‘Skins fans needn’t worry; my mother-in-law could run for 150 yards against the Bungles, even after a Red Bull and Grey Goose.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4) -16.5 over Detroit Lions (0-13)
HELP WANTED: Quarterback for a professional football team residing in a steel wasteland once known as Detroit. Leader of men needed in a catastrophically hopeless cause. Must have… (Week 15 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here

Week 13 NFL Picks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! No filler today! I’m skipping the appetizers and rushing right in to rip off a turkey leg before Andy Reid can throw an ill-advised challenge flag or battle Mike Holmgren to the death for the right to mismanage a two-minute egg-timer while blaming their players for scorching the gravy.

Let’s get right to the meat.

Thursday, Nov 27, 2008

Tennessee Titans (10-1) -11.5 over DETROIT LIONS (0-11)

My “Goulish” Week 9 NFL Picks

Happy Halloween everyone! I know it’s a bit late in the game, but in keeping with today’s theme, and due in no small part to the fact that my recent picks have been a house of horrors, I submit my picks in trick-or-treat format.

(NOTE: You can tell that I didn’t switch my picks because I’m mostly wrong, as usual.)

BUFFALO BILLS (5-2)-5.5 over New York Jets (4-3)

Trick: Brett Favre is a giving soul who loves throwing touchdowns to his teammates.

Treat: Sometimes he gets carried away with his generosity and throws a few touchdowns to the opposing team too.

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3)-12.5 over Detroit Lions (0-7)

Trick: The Bears are not taking the Lions lightly, with many of the players stating in the press that Detroit isn’t the same team they destroyed weeks earlier.

Treat: Detroit’s fecal-salad costume smells just as bad as their turd-sandwich costume. OK, so maybe that’s a treat for just me.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)-7.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-8)

Trick: Chad Ocho Cinco was mandated by the league to wear his previous name, Johnson, on the back of his jersey for the duration of this season though he legally changed his name.

Treat: Fortunately for him (and mercifully for the still winless Bengals) his season his half-over.

CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-4)-1.5 over Baltimore Ravens (4-3)

Trick: Tight-end Kellen Winslow was suspended last week for coming clean about his staph infection, speaking up for his teammates, and putting his team in a bad light by refusing to lie about it. What?

Just a sec… what?

Treat: Cleveland’s favorite soldier will be plenty rested and eager to unleash some pain this weekend.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-5) +2.5 over Arizona Cardinals (4-3)

Trick: Kurt Warner on the road in the stadium that once reverberated with the power of his 99 and 01 MVP performances. Awkward…

Treat: The field turf that replaced the original Astroturf is much softer, which will cushion his falls after he surrenders numerous sacks .It will also make his frequent fumbles bounce less erratically, giving him the opportunity to fall on a few of them.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-4)-4.5 over Houston Texans (3-4)

Trick: Figuring out how to tackle Adrian Peterson. Good luck with that.

Treat: watching AP go through the Texans defense like the scene from The Last Boy Scout, only to realize that unlike the guy from that scene, AP isn’t actually killing his opponents by firing a sidearm. That’s just how he rolls.

TENNESSEE TITANS (7-0)-6.5 over Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Trick: The Titans are still undefeated with Kerry Collins starting at quarterback.

Treat: With a defense as stout as theirs, they’d probably be undefeated with Joan Collins starting at QB.

(Read the rest of my picks here)