Between the Beers: Super Bowl XLIII Highlights (Barely including the game)

By now, everyone who is interested knows how the Super Bowl ended (Ironically, on a Kurt Warner fumble, and fittingly, on a controversial official’s decision that awarded the Pittsburgh Steelers a sixth Super Bowl title and a brand new region of football fans who loathe them.)

Arizona fans will no doubt join the growing ranks of anti-Steeler fans in whining about the Pittsburgh referee conspiracy (Charter members; Seattle, Baltimore, and Oakland). I find this tragic, considering the fact that it could have been avoided if only the replay booth had reviewed the Kurt Warner fumble that sealed the Steelers win.

If the review held, then game over, and no whining (well, not as much whining). If the review had been overturned, Kurt Warner would have fumbled the very next play (Say what you want about Warner’s “hall of fame” caliber career; he had clearly reverted to the old, butterfingers Kurt Warner under duress.) The NFL missed a golden-opportunity to dispel the cloud of doubt surrounding the alleged ref-bias for Pittsburgh.

Still, much respect to Pittsburgh and head coach Mike Tomlin for displaying sound football. Despite the alleged evidence to the contrary, the Steelers won because they were the better team on that night, period.

Though I picked Arizona to win, my heart was with Pittsburgh. Sure, I lost two straight-up bets with my pick (a dime-bet with my aunt and a five dollar bet with my sexy barber up the street). But for sports-betting purposes, I beat the spread (Pittsburgh was a seven-point favorite.) That means I went out on top! Challenge my fluky sports-betting prowess at your own peril!

But enough about the game with its questionable officiating and Kurt Warner’s predictably-atrocious ball-handling in the pocket. Let’s discuss the real draw to the NFL Championship game…

Between the Beers continues here

Who Are These Guys?

Despite the Chicago Bears dominating the Detroit Lions, winning by the score of 34-7, I’m still left with mixed emotions. We are five games into the season and I still don’t know what to make of the Bears.

Against good teams that were hampered by key injuries and other personnel issues, the Bears broke even, winning twice and losing twice. What’s more damning is the fact that the Bears lead each game deep into the fourth quarter. They should probably be undefeated right now.

And after destroying the Lions today, the Bears are now undefeated against teams that are being coached and managed by Piggy from Lord of the Flies. But what does that tell me about the Bears, other than they can play the role of schoolyard bully when pummeling the kids who receive gold stars for not going number-two on themselves during recess?

The bad news is… (read more here)

Week 3 Matchup: Versus Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offensive Keys

Minimize mistakes. We can’t afford to have costly penalties or game-changing turnovers (I’m talking to you, Greg Olsen! You drop the rock just once in this game, just once, and I swear fo’ God I will drive to Chicago and boil your pet rabbit in your own kitchen like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction! I will fill your whole block with hot brass if I have to! Well, I’ll blog about it, anyway.)

Let’s get physical! Our offensive line did an excellent job last week and Matt Forte was relentless. We’ll need more of the same this week against a familiar cover-2 scheme that takes away the big play, but is susceptible to the power-run. The Bucs’ defense is athletic, but light-in-the-loafers. I don’t care if they drop eight or nine guys into the box.  We have four halfbacks. Four. The goal should be 300-plus yards on the ground. We need to punch them in the mouth until they fall, and then keep punching until Forte gets tired. Then we put his ass on the bench, get Jones out there and repeat until Tampa’s will has been broken. By then, Forte will have recovered enough to start all over again.

Play conservative. There’s no reason to take unnecessary risks. That’s why Sex Cannon was benched in the first place. Three yards and a cloud of dust is not a defeat. Three downs and punt is not necessarily a bad thing here. Tampa is no offensive threat, so we just need to do our thing and let them make all the mistakes. Do you know that the starting quarterback for the Bucs is Brian Griese? No, not Bob Griese, the hall-of-fame QB. I’m talking about his son, the guy who threw three interceptions in the end-zone against the Detroit Lions last season. The freaking Lions!  ‘Nuff said.

Defensive Keys

Stuff the gaps. The Bucs have had great success running the ball. Ernest Graham and Warrick Dunn are a formidable running crew. We need to make the point of attack on their side of the ball and stop them before they build momentum. That’s all I can think of to slow them down, other than using stun grenades or spiking their Gatorade with elephant tranquilizers.

Tackle, tackle, and mutha-effin-tackle! Missed tackles contributed to our loss against the Panthers last week. If we’re careless this week, not even Katt Williams’ irreverent comedy will deter me from wondering if I can heat my bath water using my toaster.

Remix the defense. Remember that Brian Griese has thrown against the Bears’ first-string unit numerous times in practice and may have some familiarity. If he’s had success against certain looks, it’s time to throw those schemes out and reboot the coverages.

Did I mention that Brian Griese is the starting QB for the Bucs? Blitz his ass. Blitz him on first down. Blitz him on second down. Blitz him on third down. Crack wise about his mama when he’s on the sideline. Keep calling him “Bob” and pretend that it’s an accident. Compliment his full breasts and vagina. Whisper about his pretty mouth into his helmet’s earhole. Eventually he’ll snap and start throwing the ball directly to the first opposing player he sees, just like old times.

Week 3 Picks (Home team in CAPS) – Read more about week 3 picks here

ATLANTA FALCONS -4.5 over Kansas City Chiefs

BUFFALO BILLS -8.5 over Oakland Raiders

CHICAGO BEARS -3.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers

TENNESSEE TITANS -4.5 over Houston Texans

Carolina Panthers +3.5 over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Miami Dolphins +12.5 over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

NEW YORK GIANTS -13.5 over Cincinnati Bengals

WASHINGTON REDSKINS -3.5 over Arizona Cardinals

DENVER BRONCOS -5.5 over New Orleans Saints

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -3.5 over Detroit Lions

St. Louis Rams +9.5 over SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

BALTIMORE RAVENS -1.5 over Cleveland Browns

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -2.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -5.5 over Jacksonville Jaguars

Dallas Cowboys -2.5 over GREEN BAY PACKERS

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -8.5 over New York Jets

Last Week: 10-6

Overall: 22-10

Read more about week 3 picks here