This Just In…

Here are two news bulletins I can’t ignore:

1. John Madden hangs up the mike! Wha-wha-what?!? But wait… how in the hell is Frank Caliendo supposed to eat now?

The undisputed Big Dog of NFL color analysts has decided to retire after a 40-year broadcasting career. I’m slightly bummed, but it’s probably for the best. He’s been barely coherent since about 1993. But even during his waning years as a broadcaster, no one could tell me about what I already just saw on the television screen with his throaty vigor and enthusiasm. Even now, he’s better prepared and more knowledgeable than any current color guy that’s not named Ron Jaworski or Chris Collinsworth.

Speaking of Collinsworth, my wife consoled me by prognosticating that Chris would obviously replace Madden on NBC Sunday Night Football just minutes before ESPN officially confirmed her intuitive forecast. While I’m glad that Collinsworth will finally get a chance to flex his underrated chops in front of a national audience on a full-time basis, Sundays just won’t be the same without the big guy delivering his “BOOM! WHAP!” one-liners and waxing-nostalgically about Brett Favre, bratwurst, Brett Favre, Philly cheese steaks, and Brett Favre.

So does this make Al Michaels the Big Dog of NFL broadcasters now?

Other notable achievements by John Madden:

1. As head coach of the Oakland Raiders, he holds the NFL all-time highest winning percentage, with a record of 103-32-7 (76.3% win percentage)
2. Coached the Raiders to a victory in Super Bowl XI
3. Never had a losing season as a head coach
4. Youngest coach to reach 100 wins, only needing ten seasons to accomplish this feat.
5. Enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame as a coach in 2006
6. Indirectly responsible for the infliction of Frank Caliendo’s one-trick pony upon millions of unsuspecting Americans

2. Celtics forward Kevin Garnet may miss the entire playoffs due to complications with his strained knee. I’m filled with mixed emotions here. My disappointment at not being able to watch my favorite NBA athlete grind-out another playoff run is mitigated by how his loss lifts my Chicago Bulls chances of escaping the first round. I’ll solemnly take the playoff advantage, but ultimately, this rings as a loss for both me and any true fan of the NBA (After listening to ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s uncharacteristically somber tone, I almost thought he was announcing the assassination of a head-of-state.) 

I just know that the trainers most likely had to spike KG’s Gatorade with Zoloft before breaking the bad news to him. Have you ever seen KG play? Yikes. He’s easily one of the most frighteningly intense competitors I’ve ever seen. I probably couldn’t play hopscotch with him without taking a vicious elbow to the chest and having him glare about wide-eyed while furiously pounding his own chest and barking at no one in particular, but in my general direction, “Stand up! Be a man! This is f#@king hopscotch, muthaf#@%er!”

Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here

Week 12 NFL Procrastinated Picks

Yeah, I know. I’m even later this week than I was last week. What can I say? Life is coming at me pretty fast and furious. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve yet to come up with a valid plan for hording all the roasted turkey and dressing I can gather with minimal social appearances. If only I could figure out a way to retrieve the homemade fixins’ without all the insufferable familial bonding and frivolous informal topical conversation.

It is a common misconception that being a selfish cad is an easy feat. It takes great skill and cunning to ruthlessly capitalize on the loving, painstaking labor of others. Just ask any unscrupulous executive looking for a government buyout.

Next week I’ll submit my picks well ahead of schedule so I can fully concentrate on my turkey burglary. For now, here are my picks for week 12:

Home team in CAPS

Thursday night’s game: Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) +10.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3)
If an underdog can’t cover a double-digit spread, then that team has no heart. Am I right or am I right?

Reason why I was wrong: Apparently, the Bengals have no heart. After Thursday night’s “effort”, Coach Marvin Lewis might be an endangered species.

How bad was it? (Week 12 NFL Picks continues here)