This Just In…

Here are two news bulletins I can’t ignore:

1. John Madden hangs up the mike! Wha-wha-what?!? But wait… how in the hell is Frank Caliendo supposed to eat now?

The undisputed Big Dog of NFL color analysts has decided to retire after a 40-year broadcasting career. I’m slightly bummed, but it’s probably for the best. He’s been barely coherent since about 1993. But even during his waning years as a broadcaster, no one could tell me about what I already just saw on the television screen with his throaty vigor and enthusiasm. Even now, he’s better prepared and more knowledgeable than any current color guy that’s not named Ron Jaworski or Chris Collinsworth.

Speaking of Collinsworth, my wife consoled me by prognosticating that Chris would obviously replace Madden on NBC Sunday Night Football just minutes before ESPN officially confirmed her intuitive forecast. While I’m glad that Collinsworth will finally get a chance to flex his underrated chops in front of a national audience on a full-time basis, Sundays just won’t be the same without the big guy delivering his “BOOM! WHAP!” one-liners and waxing-nostalgically about Brett Favre, bratwurst, Brett Favre, Philly cheese steaks, and Brett Favre.

So does this make Al Michaels the Big Dog of NFL broadcasters now?

Other notable achievements by John Madden:

1. As head coach of the Oakland Raiders, he holds the NFL all-time highest winning percentage, with a record of 103-32-7 (76.3% win percentage)
2. Coached the Raiders to a victory in Super Bowl XI
3. Never had a losing season as a head coach
4. Youngest coach to reach 100 wins, only needing ten seasons to accomplish this feat.
5. Enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame as a coach in 2006
6. Indirectly responsible for the infliction of Frank Caliendo’s one-trick pony upon millions of unsuspecting Americans

2. Celtics forward Kevin Garnet may miss the entire playoffs due to complications with his strained knee. I’m filled with mixed emotions here. My disappointment at not being able to watch my favorite NBA athlete grind-out another playoff run is mitigated by how his loss lifts my Chicago Bulls chances of escaping the first round. I’ll solemnly take the playoff advantage, but ultimately, this rings as a loss for both me and any true fan of the NBA (After listening to ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s uncharacteristically somber tone, I almost thought he was announcing the assassination of a head-of-state.) 

I just know that the trainers most likely had to spike KG’s Gatorade with Zoloft before breaking the bad news to him. Have you ever seen KG play? Yikes. He’s easily one of the most frighteningly intense competitors I’ve ever seen. I probably couldn’t play hopscotch with him without taking a vicious elbow to the chest and having him glare about wide-eyed while furiously pounding his own chest and barking at no one in particular, but in my general direction, “Stand up! Be a man! This is f#@king hopscotch, muthaf#@%er!”

A Banquette in Honor of the Jay Cutler Era

I just don’t know, man.

I’ve bounced it around in my head for a few days, and my position on the recent seismic shift in the NFL has been in a constant state of aftershock.

Of course, I’m referring to Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelou’s Texas No Limit, “all-in” style trade of Kyle Orton, two first-round picks, and a third-round pick for Jay Cutler, a fifth-round pick, an ounce of shimmering pixie-dust and magic smoke (for shock-and-awe affect), and a box of disposable diapers.

My initial reaction to this trade was recorded in Facebook as, “ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! GODDAMNIT SONOFABITCH!!!! LKEWRJF EOOLK MB ,MLKJ”.

In my defense, how could my reaction have been any different after trashing Cutler all week during his lover’s spat with the Denver Broncos organization and their new head coach, Shady McTwoface? Why mortgage our team’s future for a petulant, unproven premadonna, who will no-doubt be a polarizing figure in the locker room?

In contrast to Cutler’s incessant whining and bleating, Kyle Orton remained silent and professional from the opening trade rumors to the actual announcement. Granted, given his penchant for parties and drunken benders, he was probably passed-out on an empty keg in a frat-house as the news was breaking. Still, way to show that immature crybaby Cutler how a professional reacts to trade rumors, Kyle.

Initially, this “win now” gamble seemed flawed at best, and frankly, I’m still talking myself into it… but it just might work.

Sure, Jay Cutler comes across as a spoiled child, but ironically, that might work in the Bears’ favor. As a child growing up in Indiana, Cutler’s favorite team was the Bears. In essence, playing for his favorite team now would be fulfilling a lifetime ambition. Also, Cutler just left a situation where trust and communication with his head coach had flat-lined shortly after the head coach was caught trying to arrange a trade for Cutler. As a result, Cutler perceives the Broncos coach as a dishonest, low-down, no-good, double-dealing, swindler. (The previous sentence sounds better if you say it aloud while impersonating Billy-Dee Williams.)

By contrast, Coach Lovie Smith is widely respected in the locker room, and Cutler could benefit from Coach Smith’s “quiet mentoring” approach. It’s like a woman breaking up with Chris Brown before discovering that Justin Timberlake is available, and is an interested gentleman caller. Or if you’re from my generation, it’s like a woman leaving Bobby Brown for Johnny Gill. That new relationship will seem infinitely healthier than the previous one.

Obviously, once my initial shock wore off, my personal bias against Cutler and what I perceive as his inflated sense of self-entitlement slowly gave way to the reality that my Bears may have been catapulted from perennial, mediocre bubble-team to a bonafide contender.

In addition to the arrival of Jay Cutler, the Bears signed veteran and seven-time pro-bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace. Sure Pace is a bit long in the tooth, but he probably has two or three more good years left. Besides, his veteran presence and work-ethic should provide a galvanizing effect on the other offensive linemen, giving Cutler the protection he needs to throw to Hester, Olsen, and… uhm… whoever lines-up at the number-two wide-out position. Combine the retooling of our passing attack with the already proven power-run game spearheaded by Matt Forte, and suddenly the Bears offensive execution sounds more like an overture to an ominous onslaught than a prelude to a hilarious punch-line.

As for Kyle Orton, like Rex Grossman before him, I will always have a soft-spot for him, no matter how frustrated he made me. In Orton’s situation, it’s difficult to make a case for even a proven field general who can rally his troops to victory when frequently, I found myself openly wondering if my 14-year-old daughter could throw further than him. Like Grossman, Orton resembled a cuddly, furry team mascot who frequently peed in your bed, chewed on your shoes, or left putrid-scented pyramids on your freshly-cleaned carpets. But once in the blue moon, he also chased away burglars or warned you when the kitchen curtains were on fire, so you put up with him and even fed him steaks from time-to time. Farewell Kyle Orton. I will probably miss your neckbeard most of all.

Verily, as I bid a bittersweet farewell to Kyle Neckbeard Noodle-arm Orton, I say huzzah to the Jay Cutler era! So I don’t like Jay Cutler’s attitude or the actions he took to force a trade. Big deal. I put up with Chicago Bulls power-forward Dennis Rodman for three years because he was the best rebounder there was, though he was also a cross between Terrell Owens, the Cobra Kai Sensei, and the transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I can root for Cutler’s success as a Bear, as long as he delivers on my now lofty expectations.

And the bar has definitely been raised. Prior to this trade, all the average fan could realistically hope for was a victory, or even a series sweep of the hated Green Bay Packers. This trade raises the stakes considerably. Now, anything below a 10-6 season… no wait… anything less than a playoff appearance is a colossal failure.

No pressure, Jay, but Chicago offers you either a banquette in your honor, or a last meal (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Either way, eat hearty, pal.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

Obviously, I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles’ playoff progression with great interest.

After all, they obtained the last NFC playoff berth, which is a spot my Chicago Bears would have secured if they hadn’t allowed themselves to be manhandled by the Houston Texans (The Houston Effing Texans!) during the final game of the regular season.

During the playoffs, I observed the Eagles plucking the low-hanging fruit of a Viking team led by QB Tavaris Jackson. I even monitored them lucking onto a Giants team led by QB Eli Manning on a day when he decided to impersonate his older brother Peyton by choking-away an important game.

Now the Eagles are one step away from representing the NFC in the Superbowl. All that stands in their way is an Arizona Cardinals team that doesn’t exactly strike fear into anyone’s hearts. I find myself consumed by one thought; if only the Bears had beaten the Texans and received similar lucky playoff bounces, they might have found themselves in the Eagles position this weekend. All they had to do was beat the Houston Texans, a veritable doormat, albeit an improved doormat. In a related story, did you know that when set ablaze, an authentic, NFL Equipment licensed Chicago Bears fleece hoodie has a distinctive smell, and the flames emit a burnt-orange hue?

Just kidding. As a casual environmentalist, I’m not increasing my carbon footprint just because my team choked. But all bets are off if one more smarmy, latte-drinking, bandwagon-jumping Seattleite sees my hoodie as a green light to randomly diss my team, especially after the putrid season their Seahawks had.

If that happens again, I just might have to set the whole damned state of Washington on fire and relieve myself on the embers.

(Disclaimer: I kid, I kid. I’m not an arsonist, nor do I advocate solving one’s uglier problems with a beautiful can of gasoline and one exquisite, lovely match. Nope. These are just jokes, not suggestions.)

I’m probably boring you with my antisocial, sociopathic ranting. Let’s move on to the picks. Home team is in CAPS.

NFC Conference Championship – Philadelphia Eagles -3 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
It’s been a storybook season for both teams.

(NFL Conference Championship Picks continues here)

Week 5 NFL Picks

I was absolutely destroyed last week. It was easily my worst week of picks ever. We’re surviving on Top-Ramen, and I’m sure that someday Wifey and I will once again be on speaking terms once we save enough money to move out of our car and back into an apartment.

OK, a moment of truth; we don’t live anywhere near Vegas and even if we did, I’m not irresponsible enough to throw wads of money away based solely on my gut instinct. But I’m a little concerned about my mental state now. After all, even in my own imagination I’m a sports gambling-addicted loser. You’d think that in my own mind I would aim a bit higher and strive to become a loan-shark or pimp, right?

Our reality is far less dramatic, but almost as amusing. It is my wife interrupting my “sacred” writing time by calling me from Starbucks to gloat about O.J. Simpson’s guilty verdict.

Slightly annoyed, I asked her, “And this couldn’t wait until you got home?”

“What are you doing that’s so important?”

“I’m writing.”

“Oh.” I could actually hear her eyes rolling through the phone.

(Speaking of which, I know that a decade ago my Afro-American brethren inexplicably celebrated O.J. getting away with murder (allegedly), but trust me on this one; we are so over him. Dude should have laid-low and not raised a ruckus, but did he? Oh no. Dude thought he was bulletproof. And now he’s paying the price. I doubt that you’ll find any Nubian social/political movements stirred-up in his honor. At best, most folks will just shrug and go on with their lives like I did.)

But enough about lies, lowered expectations, and ironic justice (or moronic justice, depending on your perspective). On to the picks.

Chicago Bears -3.5 over DETROIT LIONS
Atlanta Falcons +7.5 over GREEN BAY PACKERS
San Diego Chargers -6.5 over MIAMI DOLPHINS
NEW YORK GIANTS -7.5 over Seattle Seahawks
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -5.5 over Washington Redskins?!?
(Revised) Washington Redskins +5.5 over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
CAROLINA PANTHERS -9.5 over Kansas City Chiefs
Tennessee Titans -3.5 over BALTIMORE RAVENS
Indianapolis Colts -3.5 over HOUSTON TEXANS
DENVER BRONCOS -3.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Buffalo Bills +0.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS +3.5 over New England Patriots
DALLAS COWBOYS -15.5 over Cincinnati Bengals
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -4.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS -3.5 over Minnesota Vikings

(Read more about the picks here.)

Last week: 6-7
Overall: 37-23