NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks: Hangover Edition

Happy New Year and Joyous International Hangover Recovery Day to everyone! Listen, I just awoke, having lost most of New Year’s Day, along with huge chunks of my short-term and mid-term memory, to vodka and bourbon, so let’s get right to the picks so I can devote the remainder of my day to locating my cellphone, pants, and dignity.

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 over ARIZONA CARDINALS
I know I’m picking a rookie QB on the road in a high-pressure playoff environment, but I saw everything I needed to see from the intrepid Matt Ryan during week 6. When trailing by one against my Bears, he lofted a perfect pass to his receiver, who got out of bounds in field goal range with one second remaining. (The Falcons then won the game with a field goal on the next play as I pondered between smashing my possessions how a combination of the Bears’ choke-job and Ryan’s clutch play might contribute to the Bears’ potentially bleak playoff picture in the near future.)

Matt Ryan may be a rookie, but he plays like he’s been here before. His efforts are bolstered by a solid running game that will be facing a Cardinals defense that can’t stop the run and an offense that plays well at home, but can’t run the ball anywhere. Even the Cardinals fans aren’t convinced as they’re struggling to sellout the game. On the upside, we just might witness history in veteran QB Kurt Warner’s efforts. He might become the first QB to pass for 600+ yards in a losing effort, or he could set the playoff record for unforced fumbles and pitiful hangdog facial expressions to a plateau that may never be reached in the next three generations. Warner’s ceiling for greatness in a moral victory and/or unintentional comedy is limitless.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
When I checked the sports betting line earlier, the Colts were favored by a point. Several hours later, the odds are now even. Perplexed, I checked out NFL.com and the NFL Network for injury updates. The only notable injury I found was that Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson was listed as questionable. Then I looked at the betting line again. It almost appeared as if the Chargers’ odds of winning had improved with the announcement of an injury downgrade to their franchise RB. How does that make sense? I found this as perplexing as the reasonably attractive young women who over-plucks or over-waxes their eyebrows to the point where their facial expressions always appear to be surprised.

Speaking of which, (NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks continues here)

Week 15 NFL Picks

In an unprecedented event, I am picking all favorites this week. That’s right, 100 percent favorites, across the board.

I didn’t do it intentionally to be ironic or cool. I didn’t do it because I was feeling cowardly, brazen, or even lucky. My motivation wasn’t even laziness, like it normally is (Speaking of laziness, I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week’s picks. I’m squeezing this week’s article between Christmas shopping, two flag football tournaments, and suppressing my gag-reflex while watching my Bears offensive unit flail about like baby seals trying to escape a poacher’s club. Not a good look, Chicago.)

I sat down and reflected deeply upon this week like a Zen master, using scented candles and index cards. Alright, so I guzzled Bourbon and picked from my gut like I always do. But still, though I’m slightly unnerved by the symmetrical properties of this week’s picks, screw it. I’m sticking with it.

On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS

Thursday night’s game
CHICAGO BEARS (7-6) -2.5 over New Orleans Saints (7-6)
Drew Brees is historically not a fan of Chicago’s frozen turf. It chafes his backside.

Why I was right: All I know is that his was one of the worst games I’ve ever watched in terms of mutual offensive decision-making and execution. It was as if both head coaches picked random foreign exchange students to call their plays. Just flat-out painful to watch.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5) -2.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
The Bucs “ferocious” run defense has a suspect chin. Atlanta exploits the combo revealed by the Panthers last Monday.

Washington Redskins (7-6) -6.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-11)
Though there’s drama in D.C., ‘Skins fans needn’t worry; my mother-in-law could run for 150 yards against the Bungles, even after a Red Bull and Grey Goose.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4) -16.5 over Detroit Lions (0-13)
HELP WANTED: Quarterback for a professional football team residing in a steel wasteland once known as Detroit. Leader of men needed in a catastrophically hopeless cause. Must have… (Week 15 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here

Week 13 NFL Picks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! No filler today! I’m skipping the appetizers and rushing right in to rip off a turkey leg before Andy Reid can throw an ill-advised challenge flag or battle Mike Holmgren to the death for the right to mismanage a two-minute egg-timer while blaming their players for scorching the gravy.

Let’s get right to the meat.

Thursday, Nov 27, 2008

Tennessee Titans (10-1) -11.5 over DETROIT LIONS (0-11)

Week 11 NFL Procrastinated Picks

I was supposed to get these picks to Caitlin before Thursday night’s game. Well, I don’t actually have a deadline, but I do have my own personal code of conduct and, well frankly, I’ve failed myself this week.

But I have good excuses reasons! My work-hours fluctuated wildly. I had numerous events and not nearly enough time. My wife’s birthday was this week. My dog ate my homework.

Ok, so I don’t own a dog.

Fortunately, I came up with a new idea to deal with the game that just wrapped up. I’ll post my pick for tonight’s game anyway, along with a brief sentence on why I was proven right or wrong. In fact, the one-sentence theme got so good to me that I tried keeping the format for the entire column, with varying degrees of success/failure.

I went with the observant statement. I borrowed from classics and Eastern philosophy. I even waxed poetically, weaving metaphors together like some kind of… hell… I dunno… metaphor-weaver.

Shut-up! What do you want from me? I’m tired!

On to the picks (home-team in CAPS)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3.5 over New York Jets
…and mighty Brett Favre gazed upon his all-time interception record of 300 and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

Why I was wrong about this pick: The fact that Matt Cassel cannot hit Randy Moss on a go-route, combined with a bruising, physical cornerback who isn’t afraid to jam him, reduced Moss to a sulking, crappy Napoleon Dynamite impersonation for most of the night.

(My Week 11 NFL Picks continue here)

Resolve: The Measure of a Fan

The Chicago Bears outlast the Minnesota Vikings, 48-41
(Written last Monday)

I found myself in familiar territory this Sunday while observing the Chicago Bears try to hold onto a late fourth quarter lead over the Minnesota Vikings in a shootout. Well the high-scoring shootout part was unfamiliar, but there we were, sweating-out a game with a combined 89 points scored. I never thought I’d see the day when a Bear team scores 48 points and I’m still left biting my nails, concerned about another pending defensive meltdown reaching its gut-wrenching conclusion.

As Minnesota drove to the score that would place them within a touchdown of tying the Bears, I looked at my wife and said, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” Of course, that was just an empty, rhetorical sentiment, as I would continue to torment myself (I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Though I’m now agnostic, I’ve become accustomed to some form of self-loathing and suffering in my life.)

What I “couldn’t do anymore” was to follow this “new” style of Bear football. I’m more accustomed to the Bears blowing games because their mediocre offense failed to score enough points, not because their exhausted, injury-prone, depleted and overmatched defense failed to stop opponents in the clutch.

While the former way of losing left me depressed for a few hours, this newer method of blowing victories in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter had me absolutely demoralized for days on-end. It’s like being forced to watch an endless loop of the tragic rape/sodomy/murder segments from the film Boys Don’t Cry. I’m not suggesting there’s a right way to lose, but this year’s losses are the kind where a die-hard Bear fan could shower for five hours straight without feeling clean.

When the Bears responded by going three-and-out on offense, punting the ball back to the Vikes for a potential game-tying drive, my wife replied, “Well, I’m not doing this anymore. I’ll be in the kitchen. And please don’t tear-up my sh#t this time when they lose… again!”

Fortunately for the sad tattered remnants of my sanity –as well as my wife’s sh#t– the Bears defense held with a game-clenching interception by injured rookie cornerback Zackary Bowman, who replaced one of our two injured starting cornerbacks (Both of our starting corners Nathan Vasher and Charles Tillman sat-out with injuries, along with safety Danieal Manning. I wasn’t kidding about our defense being depleted. This is the first time I’ve ever looked forward to a bye-week for my team, if only to mend the battered players and stave-off my pending coronary from watching them struggle to compete.)

A respectful nod to Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson for once again turning into John Rambo and using only an AK and a machete to massacre the generic, expansionistic, suppressive, third-world, pacific-rim, undisciplined military that was the Bears defense. Every time he takes on the Bears defense, he looks as if he was born with balls and bad-manners. And yes, that’s a compliment.

Once again, I’m singling out Chicago’s Kyle “The Future” Orton for another valiant effort. I won’t go into detail about his gameplay this Sunday, but I will say this; his 18-yard touchdown strike to Greg Olsen was a laser-strike that was thrown against triple coverage. That’s right, triple coverage. That play was as jaw-dropping as The Bourne Ultimatum’s Jason Borne talking trash to pursuing CIA Deputy Director Noah Vosen from a cell-phone… while he was in Vosen’s office. That told me all I needed to know about Kyle Orton. Who cares if he’s scruffy and funny-looking? Hell, I’m about to start rockin the neck beard look myself!

The goat award goes to Matt Forte. Granted, you were going against the run-stuffing Vikings defense, but even against the Atlanta Falcons the previous Sunday, I noticed a great deal of dancing from you. Dude, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you began this season as a beast. You were a true warrior. Why have you begun to dance in the backfield instead of making one cut and hitting the front line with conviction like you did in the beginning? Dude, this ain’t Soul Train! The staticians don’t count the yards you make while grapevining side-to-side or doing that jitterbug thing you with your feet right before the defense stops you for no gain.

I know you’re a good kid with tremendous potential, and no, I’m not picking on you just because my wife thinks you’re hot (though admittedly, that certainly hasn’t helped with my perception of your efforts). But please, pretty please; less dancing, more running!