Game 5: Blown Call or Blown Game?/What’s Brett Up To?

Yes, the foul committed by Rondo against Brad Miller in the last second of game 5 between the Bulls and Celtics should have been a flagrant, but so what? The Bulls lost that game because they suffered a meltdown during the last seven minutes and allowed an 18-8 Celtics run to erase their lead. They lost because a still-dazed Miller missed the first free throw and failed to draw iron on the second attempt.

They lost because, even if the refs made the right call, with two seconds left, “Coach” Vinny Del Negro would have diagramed a half-cocked half-court play that would have been promptly ignored by Ben Gordon as he dribbled in place for 1.5 seconds before jacking up a low percentage shot, but everyone knows that .5 seconds isn’t enough time for Gordon to rub the magical rabbit’s foot he keeps in his pocket to wish all of his horrible shot-selections into the basket.

The refs blew the call, but the Bulls collectively blew the game (And that’s coming from a fan who is openly rooting for an improbable Bulls win, and who has enjoyed the Bulls’ display of heart and effort.) End of story.

In other news… Brett Favre has negotiated his release from the Jets. Well, actually, according to Brett, his agent has negotiated his release, since we all know that Brett could never be complicit in any alleged shady dealings that might tarnish his golden-boy image. Oh brother.

You know what that means right? Last time I checked, the Minnesota Vikings were choosing between Gus Frerotte and Tavaris Jackson to lead their team at QB, which is like choosing between Michael Moore and Fat Bastard as Weight Watchers mentors. The Vikes need a QB, and I don’t care what Brett says, he’s still dying to stick it to Green Bay. Come on back Brett!

Why am I so geeked about Favre’s (alleged) pending comeback? Well, in the Coach Lovie Smith era, one of these three things must have transpired; (a) the Bears have him figured out, (b) Favre has completely lost his mojo, or (c) there’s a gentlemen’s agreement for Favre to throw at least three passes directly into Brian Urlacher’s chest per game. As a Bear fan, I will always loathe the greatest Bear-Killer in the modern era, and now that he no longer scares me, I welcome him back with open arms.

Chicago Bears 2009 Draft Analysis by a Psychotic Bear Fan

I suppose that I really should get around to analyzing the Bears 2009 draft, or as I like to call it, Raiding the Clearance Rack. So why did the Bears essentially shop for Armani-quality players at the Thrift Store that is the third round and beyond? The answer is simple once the numbers are crunched (And I hate crunching numbers.)

The Bears recently signed all-pro left-tackle Orlando Pace to the tune of 5 million per year. Then they traded Kyle Orton (subtract 2.8 million) for Jay Cutler (add 6.5 million). I won’t go into the other players salary because frankly, some of them make no sense to me (How in the hell is Tommy Harris getting 12 million a year, which is almost the combined annual salary of Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs?!? I don’t get it. No wonder Briggs wrapped his Lamborghini around a light pole! He was probably blinded by his tears.)

But according to foxsports.com, the Bears currently have the fourth highest payroll in the league, and this is during an era of financial freefall. Looking back at the Bears history of being notoriously frugal spenders, even way back when we had a strong economy, does this make sense? Of course not.

I’m no financial genius (hence the free blog here) but even I can detect unusual trends. Virginia Halas McCaskey opened her wallet one day while at the supermarket, realized that she could only afford the off-brand Toasted Oats instead of the yummier Cheerios brand, and then immediately called the Bears GM and said, “Young man, we must trade down to the third round. I’m not eating Toasted Oats just for a tenth of a percent lower time in the 40-yard dash. No deary, that’s not happening.”

So here we are, at the clearance rack. Now before I proceed, I’m not saying that all players drafted in the third round or below are garbage. In fact, all are gifted athletes. Shopping these rounds doesn’t automatically mean we’re getting low-quality talent, only that we’re seeking decent quality at affordable prices, or maybe even a fixer-upper or two.

But enough about trying to gather champagne talent on beer money. On to the picks.

Round 3, Pick 4 (68^th overall) (From Seahawks) Jarron Gilbert DE 6′5″ 288lbs San Jose State

Pick Analysis: Analysts say that Gilbert is a bit of a slacker, but has the physical tools to be a playmaker with the right mentoring. Speaking of slackers, did you know that last year, the Bears DE’s totaled 16 sacks? I’m not talking about one person, or even two people. FOUR DE’s combined for 16 sacks. That averages out to four sacks per DE, and just know that two of those four had to come because the QB tripped on himself. Grade B-

Round 3, Pick 35 (99^th overall) (Compensatory selection) Juaquin Iglesias WR 6′1″ 210lbs Oklahoma

Pick Analysis: Iglesias is listed as an exceptional kick returner with great hands. If needed, he can replace Hester as our primary returner. Analysts say he’s comfortable catching bad balls, which means that we drafted him two years too late. He would have been Rex Grossman and Brian Griese’s best friend. Grade B+

Round 4, Pick 5 (105^th overall) (From Seahawks) Henry Melton DE 6′3″ 260lbs Texas

Pick Analysis: I read his 40-yard time and thought it was a typo. 4.65! For a freakin DE! Does he have a fricken jet-pack or something? (Please, oh please let him test clean for PED’s!) He transitioned to DE from running back! Alex Brown and Ogunleye have officially been put on notice. Did I mention that they averaged four sacks apiece as a unit last season as the starting DE’s? No, not four sacks per game, because that would be amazing. Four sacks per SEASON. I’m just sayin. Grade A

Round 4, Pick 19 (119^th overall) D.J. Moore CB 5′9″ 192lbs Vanderbilt

Pick Analysis: Moore is a short, slow corner with exceptional instinct, which means that Peanut and Vasher’s starting positions are safe. But Moore would make an ideal nickelback, lining up against the slot receiver in a three-receiver formation. Coach Smith may even have designs on moving him to safety since we’re still extremely thin there. We need someone to fill the void left by Mike Brown, and I’m slightly geeked that this will be the fourth, and hopefully final time I ever have to address Mike Brown’s void. Grade C+

Round 5, Pick 4 (140th) (From Seahawks through Broncos) Johnny Knox WR 6′0″ 185 Abilene Christian

Pick Analysis: At long last, we have found a speedy counterpart to Devin Hester, I guess. Like Hester, Knox is an unpolished receiver with breakaway speed. When lining-up, it will be like looking into a flawed mirror of raw, unrefined talent. Hopefully, one of them will figure out how to run routes while the other works on learning how to catch. Otherwise, get accustomed to hearing “Cutler to Olsen for four, maybe five yards” right now, and plan on hearing it at least 20-60 times per game. Grade C.

Round 5, Pick 18 (154^th overall) Marcus Freeman LB 6′0″ 239lbs Ohio State

Pick Analysis: Freeman has played extremely well at all three LB positions in college, excelling as the “Will”, or weakside linebacker. The Bears current WLB, Lance Brigs, happily tallied 110 tackles last season after brokering a new contract. Aging, oft-injured veteran “Mike”, or middle linebacker Brian Urlacher gamely logged an impressive 93 tackles and 2 picks. The “Sam”, or strongside linebacker tandem of Hunter Hillenmeyer and Nick Roach split-time and combined for a total of 51 tackles. Hmmm… I wonder where Freeman will end up playing? Grade B.

Round 6, Pick 17 (190^th overall) Al Afalava FS 5′11″ 213lbs Oregon State

Pick Analysis: Afalava was a three-year starter at strong safety in college. He is a safety with a linebacker build. He is nasty and loves to hit, making him an ideal special teams heat-seeking missile. Also, having a big, beefy, physical safety will contribute to hopefully bringing a close to the Annual Mike Brown Void. Grade A

Round 7, Pick 37 (246^th overall) (Compensatory selection) Lance Louis OG 6′2″ 303 San Diego State

Pick Analysis: Again, I read the position, then read his 40-time, and had to double-check. An offensive guard running a 4.76 and benching 30 reps?!? Granted, games are won on the field, not at the combine or college pro-days, but… damn! He also played some tight-end in college, and though the Bears are set at TE, Louis remains an eye-raising prospect. As a guard, he’s pretty raw, so he’d be wasted trying to figure out the O-Line. I’d be tempted to switch him to defensive tackle to take full advantage of his raw physical gifts and put pressure on Tommy Harris to put down the biscuits, get out of his 12-million dollar bed and put in some work in lieu of dropping on the depth chart. Grade B-

Round 7, Pick 42 (251th overall) (Compensatory selection) Derek Kinder WR 6′1″ 210 Pittsburgh

Pick Analysis: Kinder gave a great pro-day workout, but little is known about his ball skills. He recently recovered from a torn ACL in 2007, and he spent last year essentially running pointless wind sprints on a power-run, cold-weather team lead by a QB who sucked and couldn’t get the ball to him (Sound familiar?) We don’t know if he’s fully back from the ACL repair, and we don’t really know if his athleticism will translate to the football field. But I look at Bobby Wade, Bobby Ingram, Curtis Conway, and Bernard Berrian — all former Bears WR’s who ran wind sprints for sucky Bears QB’s, but found successful careers with competent QB’s on new teams — and I have hope for this kid’s future. I hope… I hope… Grade Incomplete

(Well, OK so the Jury’s still out on Berrian since the combination of Vikings QB’s Tavaris Jackson, Gus Frerotte, and two nickels don’t add-up to twenty cents. But still, the potential is there.)

So what have we learned?

1. The Bears coaching and staff are all fed-up with the defensive line’s “fat-cat” complacency, lethargy and overall underachievement. Step forward or step aside, gentlemen.

2. At long last, there may finally be an end to the Annual Mike Brown Void.

3. Marcus Freeman may be groomed as the long-term heir-apparent to the great Brian Urlacher, but his short-term task will be to play at the “Sam”, freeing-up Hillenmeyer and Roach to pursue new sideline hobbies like thumb-wrestling one another.

4. Though we still haven’t the slightest idea who will bookend Hester as the second receiver, we damn-near filled-out every number on the Keno card with our draft prospects. One of these guys has to win the jackpot, right?

5. Toasted Oats are just as filling and nutritious as Cheerios.

Overall Grade: B

Random Observations from the First Round of the 2009 NFL Draft

(Presented by Facebook, NFL.com, Char-Broil Grills, The Idiocy of Marriage, and Henry Willard’s Private Reserve)

Thanks to the Chicago Bears wheeling-and-dealing their way out of the first two rounds, I didn’t have a vested interest in day one of the NFL draft. But the first half of the first round did entertain me enough to annoy my Facebook friends with constant updates of my thoughts, which most likely compelled all but the most loyal friends to either de-friend me or remove my updates from their newsfeeds.

Of course, my wife kept me on her FB list, but only because she was too busy preparing for her favorite annual event; shopping-away the tax-return. She specifically targeted a new gas grill that I unwittingly agreed to assemble during day one of the NFL draft. I say unwittingly because I vaguely recall agreeing to assemble the contraption in exchange for a case of beer, but she knows that I’ll agree to almost anything to keep her from blocking the television or drowning-out the announcers with her drama-riddled mom’s group gossip. So basically, I’m claiming that I was tricked into cutting my draft-coverage short, but at least I got booze as a consolation prize.

But enough about my whining. Here are my random observations. Actual FB feeds in bold font:

Matthew Stafford to the Lions, 1st overall. Only time will tell if he’s capable of continuing the Lions’ long and rich tradition of sucking-ass. – Sat at 1:06pm – Before this pick I pondered to my wife, “You know… the Lions need an infusion of talent in nearly every position. I wonder if they will be smart enough to trade down so they can gather more picks?”

While pulling on her favorite shopping shirt, she replied, “That’s the team that hired Matt Millen and stuck with him until they developed enough ‘talent’ to become the first 0-16 team, right? And you’re expecting them to do something smart?” I cut our conversation short because I suddenly had to go potty (Ever since the Matt Millen era, pondering the Lions plight always results in an urgent need to release my bowels. They’re like psychological dietary fiber.)

After I returned from the bathroom, my wife told me that a reporter posed my question to the current Lions GM after the pick was made. Apparently, the Lions GM made a face as if to say, “Wait a sec. You mean we can do that?” Then he threw a smoke bomb and ascended to the rafters with a concealed grapple-gun to make his escape. Well, OK, not really, but wouldn’t that be cool if it actually happened?

Matthew Stafford: “I love a challenge…” Uhm… Yeah… good luck with that. – Sat at 1:07pm – Other notable trailblazers who loved a challenge: General Custer, David Koresh, the designer of the Hindenburg, Matt Millen.

My decision for which blowhard pundits to watch has been made for me by Keyshawn Johnson and Steve Young beginning their broadcast by shouting their opinions at one another. Dude, take it easy! You two are going to be on-air for the next two hours! I’m switching from ESPN to NFL Network. – Sat at 1:14pm – Speaking of which, did you know that as of May 1^st, Comcast cable will no longer carry the NFL Network? Frankly, I’m outraged at the greed and inflexibility of both the NFL and Comcast for failing to compromise and come to some form of solution. I should boycott them both out of principle, but in reality, I’m destined to follow the NFL to Direct TV. Yes, I have no shame. I am a sports junkie, and pro-football is my crystal meth.

1st round, 2nd pick: The St. Louis Rams select OT Jason Smith. This kid looks like he’s ready to ditch the suit, grab his pads, and start playing right now. He scares me. – Sat at 1:20pm – Smith literally went from weeping tears of joy to thanking God to looking as if he would pulverize the first thing that moved — within the span of about 12 seconds. I haven’t seen this level of intensity since Kevin Garnet appeared poised to decapitate Joakim Noah from the stands while in a business suit.

3rd pick: Kansas City Chiefs select DE Tyson Jackson from LSU. Cut to LSU stock-footage of Jackson slamming opponents to the ground and angrily stomping around afterwards. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is a good pick. – Sat at 1:30pm – Well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to witness him battle Jason Smith in a “rock/paper/scissor” contest.

4th pick: Seattle Seahawks select LB Aaron Curry from Wake Forrest. The Seahawks LB crew just went from good to scary good. – Sat at 1:34pm – Curry joins a deep crop of LB’s anchored by perennial pro-bowler Lofa Tatupu, while Tatupu gets an additional physical presence on the field and a much-needed designated driver.

5th pick: New York Jets (Traded from Cleveland for 2 picks, 2 players, and fuzzy dice) select QB Mark Sanchez, USC. Elated obnoxious Jet fans ejaculate all over Radio City Music Hall. – Sat at 1:58pm – Say, whatever happened to that other QB who led the Jets to a 9-7 record while throwing 22 touchdowns and 22 interceptions? I forget his name, but I remember that he was comfortable in jeans that last. I’m sure it will come to me later.

6th pick: Cincinnati Bengals select OT Andre Smith, Alabama. Apparently, Bengals coaching staff is buying into the radical concept of actually protecting their QB. – Sat at 2:01pm – Carson Palmer was sacked so often last year that his offensive line should’ve donated a portion of their checks to his psychological counseling. They should probably throw-in a kick-back to fund Chad OchoCinco’s Zoloft prescription since he’s chained to this putrid offense for the remainder of his career.

7th pick: Oakland Raiders select WR Darrius Heyword-Bey, Maryland, perplexing many pundits. Apparently, Al Davis values speed over skill or talent, which explains the state of the Raiders in recent years. – Sat at 2:05pm – If there’s ever a drill created for the fastest team to Christmas and offseason vacation, I’m putting my money on this one. Seriously, I really am mystified by this pick. I mean… I’m not a Raiders fan, but what the hell, man? I asked my flag football QB and die-hard Raiders fan Trevor for additional insight, but all I got was a swear-word that rhymes with truck.

8th pick: Jacksonville Jaguars select OT Eugene Monroe, Virginia. – Sat 2:07pm – At this point, my wife texted me that she’s on her way home with a new grill and a case of beer. Yeah, so I was about to be inconvenienced. I suppose it could’ve been much worse. It’s not like I was sitting outside of a department store dressing room holding a purse while slowly losing the will to live.

NFL Network is now treating us to regular footage of WR Michael Crabtree seething/pouting in the green room after falling at least 8 picks (and counting).- Sat 2:10pm – Never one to pass-up an opportunity for shameless self-promotion, NFL Network analyst Deion Sanders interviewed Crabtree to see if his feelings were hurt after falling so far in the picks. Crabtree’s attempt at maintaining professionalism was commendable, if not very convincing.

Commercial break: The sham-wow/slap-chop guy: “You’re gonna love my nuts!” After his arrest for battering a prostitute, nearly every time I hear this commercial, I giggle. – Sat 2:24pm – Ironically, and my wife can attest to this, the very first time I saw him peddling his magical rags, I said to Bookie, “Look at that guy… he just doesn’t track right with me. Just looking at him makes my skin crawl. He looks like the kind of guy who might end-up getting caught beating-up a hooker in an expensive hotel…” And verily, it came to pass…

9th pick: Green Bay Packers select DT B.J. Raji, BC. Queue the weird “Go Pack Go!” chant/porn music. Packer fans are odd-ducks. – Sat 2:17pm – Important note: My wife is almost near the parking lot. This meaningless update has been brought to you by the “Slap-Chop” on my lapsing sanity. Marriage: Because you’re way too rational and comfortable with yourself to remain single. Just put the ring on and watch the craziness instantly soak into your pores! You’ll be batshit-insane in minutes, or your money back!

10th pick: San Francisco 49ers select WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech. Remember: Al Davis passed on him at the 7th pick, opting to pick for speed instead of talent. I’ll pause while Raider fans commit ritual suicide. – Sat 2:28pm – Speaking of which, I should probably check-up on Trevor to make sure he’s not driving down I-5 from Seattle to Oakland wearing an adult-diaper with the purpose of taking a monkey-wrench to Al Davis’ cranium.

11th pick: Buffalo Bills select DE Aaron Maybin, Penn state. The city of Toronto will love him once the bankrupt Bills are forced to move there. – Sat 2:31pm – The grill is here! It’s in the car, waiting to be brought up. That’s what my wife said. The grill is “waiting to be brought up”, you know, as if it has the cognitive abilities to form feelings of abandonment while languishing in the trunk of the car. A more accurate statement would have been that she is waiting for me to get off my ass and haul that contraption into the apartment and do her bidding instead of, you know, enjoying myself. I got moving pretty quickly though, since everyone knows it’s rude to keep a grill waiting in a car.

12th pick: Denver Broncos select RB Knowshon Moreno, Georgia. – Sat 2:33pm – My friend John left a comment regarding Moreno: “Wuss. Can’t win unless his opponents are injured.” Full disclosure: John is a Florida Gator alumni and die-hard Gator fan, so there might have been a smidge of collegiate bias in his statement. Just a wee-bit.

15th pick: Houston Texans select LB Brian Cushing, USC. The Texans defense just got a lot scarier. – Sat 2:46pm – Wait a sec… what happened to picks 13 and 14? Well, I posted them between reading the grill assembly instructions, and this is right about where my rational, higher-brain functions melted into “F#$K YOUR GRILL!” mode. Something had to give, so I abandoned my Facebooking, grabbed a brew, and settled into my task in earnest.

So what have we learned?

1. Facebook is the Devil.

2. Women sneak tasks upon their husbands while distracted by sports, basically just to screw with their heads and assert their dominance.

3. Al Davis is officially insane and should be chained within the pig-fecal/methane refinery like Master after Blaster was killed in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

3. Almost anything can be smoothed-over with a cold beer.

Cutler-Mania Makes for Shaky Mojo

Though I hate to admit it, I’m slightly miffed and concerned by all the national media attention the Bears have garnered after acquiring quarterback Jay Cutler from the Broncos.

Normally, I’m indifferent to media hype or the lack thereof, but the Brett Favre-like fawning over a talented, but thus-far unaccomplished malcontent — who forced a trade because he didn’t appreciate being suggested as a prospect for trade like any other normal NFL athlete — is really starting to grate, and this is coming from a die-hard Bear-fan. Hell, at least Favre won a Superbowl before the poll-jocking really got going.

I understand the old adage that defense wins games while offense sells tickets, and prior to the Cutler era, the Bears were largely overlooked because their offense has been historically offensive. The last time we had a decent QB was Jim McMahon back in the 80’s, and though he was largely hyped by the media, he wasn’t a primadonna. McMahon displayed that cocky, smash-mouth persona that can only come from a cold-weather, power-run team accustomed to earning every inch of real-estate in an “eff-you, pay me” manner.

(I should point out that QB Jim Harbaugh also acquitted himself nicely as a Bear from ‘87 to ‘94 before achieving greater heights with the Indianapolis Colts. In his prime, he was the poor-man’s Steve Young. The reason why folks overlook his efforts with the Bears is because during this stint he was handcuffed, scolded, and humiliated by Coach Mike Ditka with such frequency that he more often resembled an animal shelter rescue victim than an elite NFL athlete. I’ll also point out that between ‘89 and ‘92, Coach Ditka had reached the point in his coaching career where he probably should have been listening to Journey on the jukebox while carefully peeking out the diner window, scanning for potential hitmen gunning for him.)

I understand “Cutler-Mania”, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I mean, as a result of it, we get five primetime appearances this year. As a Bear-fan who was transplanted into a rain-soaked, latte-sipping, largely bandwagon-based Seattle Seahawk fanbase, I can appreciate the fruits of the hype (I’m in too crummy a location for Direct TV’s NFL Ticket.)

I get it, but dammit, while largely unsatisfied, I was at least content with our low-profile, quiet workman-like approach to football. If this Cutler deal turns into a bust under the glare of the national spotlight, even Detroit Lions fans will be making Bear-jokes and crackin-wise on our mammas. Hell, even Coach Lovie Smith appears to be slightly unnerved by this new primadonna hype, and for good reason.

Here’s one more reason why I find Cutler-Mania tough to swallow. I’m not a superstitious guy, except for when it comes to football, and where the neutral fan swings, so swings the mystical hand of fate. Think about it. For whatever reason, either you’re a die-hard Dallas Cowboy fan, or you hate their rotten guts (I align myself with the latter crowd.) We’ve all seen how fate has treated them recently, from Tony Romo’s playoff field goal fumble, to the Terrell Owens Saga. In baseball there’s the new-millennium New York Yankees, a multi-million dollar payroll of otherwise talented choke-artists. In Basketball there’s the 2004 Los Angeles Lakers, a team of future hall-of-fame free-agents selling their souls to the devil for one final shot at a ring. Sure they were talented individually, but karmic-wise, they might as well had been the Legion of Doom, led by Lex Luthor himself. How did those guys fare against the workmanlike team effort of the eventual NBA champ Detroit Pistons?

Remember when the 2001 New England Patriots were destiny’s darlings, with a nation of neutral fans gleefully aligning themselves with the no-name underdogs? On paper, the 2007 Pats were far superior to the 2001 team, but the 2001 team can call themselves World Champions, while the 2007 team went undefeated, except for the game that would have made them World Champions. Sure, call it resiliency and determination, but don’t dismiss a fickle karmic bounce or two.

So what does any of that have to do with the Bears? While the addition of Cutler (allegedly) swings our talent-level into the positive range, our team’s karmic-level is inversely affected. Neutral fans who would normally back the Bears and laud their hardnosed, and often futile attempts to make diamonds from coal, will undoubtedly root against us after Cutler’s baggage is repeatedly rehashed by the media… and that’s before Cutler starts with all the snarky on-field sneering and pouting that made me root against him so vehemently when he was a Bronco. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still giddy about our chances, but I’m calling on all die-hard Bear-fans everywhere to unite and help elderly women with their groceries. Donate generously to the charity of your choice. Buy a meal and a hot cup of cocoa for someone who looks like they could use it. Floss.

Do these things not just because they’re the right things to do or you’re trying to get into heaven. Do them because we’ll need all the help we can get to offset the negative energy brought about by Cutler’s media hype.

This Just In…

Here are two news bulletins I can’t ignore:

1. John Madden hangs up the mike! Wha-wha-what?!? But wait… how in the hell is Frank Caliendo supposed to eat now?

The undisputed Big Dog of NFL color analysts has decided to retire after a 40-year broadcasting career. I’m slightly bummed, but it’s probably for the best. He’s been barely coherent since about 1993. But even during his waning years as a broadcaster, no one could tell me about what I already just saw on the television screen with his throaty vigor and enthusiasm. Even now, he’s better prepared and more knowledgeable than any current color guy that’s not named Ron Jaworski or Chris Collinsworth.

Speaking of Collinsworth, my wife consoled me by prognosticating that Chris would obviously replace Madden on NBC Sunday Night Football just minutes before ESPN officially confirmed her intuitive forecast. While I’m glad that Collinsworth will finally get a chance to flex his underrated chops in front of a national audience on a full-time basis, Sundays just won’t be the same without the big guy delivering his “BOOM! WHAP!” one-liners and waxing-nostalgically about Brett Favre, bratwurst, Brett Favre, Philly cheese steaks, and Brett Favre.

So does this make Al Michaels the Big Dog of NFL broadcasters now?

Other notable achievements by John Madden:

1. As head coach of the Oakland Raiders, he holds the NFL all-time highest winning percentage, with a record of 103-32-7 (76.3% win percentage)
2. Coached the Raiders to a victory in Super Bowl XI
3. Never had a losing season as a head coach
4. Youngest coach to reach 100 wins, only needing ten seasons to accomplish this feat.
5. Enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame as a coach in 2006
6. Indirectly responsible for the infliction of Frank Caliendo’s one-trick pony upon millions of unsuspecting Americans

2. Celtics forward Kevin Garnet may miss the entire playoffs due to complications with his strained knee. I’m filled with mixed emotions here. My disappointment at not being able to watch my favorite NBA athlete grind-out another playoff run is mitigated by how his loss lifts my Chicago Bulls chances of escaping the first round. I’ll solemnly take the playoff advantage, but ultimately, this rings as a loss for both me and any true fan of the NBA (After listening to ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith’s uncharacteristically somber tone, I almost thought he was announcing the assassination of a head-of-state.) 

I just know that the trainers most likely had to spike KG’s Gatorade with Zoloft before breaking the bad news to him. Have you ever seen KG play? Yikes. He’s easily one of the most frighteningly intense competitors I’ve ever seen. I probably couldn’t play hopscotch with him without taking a vicious elbow to the chest and having him glare about wide-eyed while furiously pounding his own chest and barking at no one in particular, but in my general direction, “Stand up! Be a man! This is f#@king hopscotch, muthaf#@%er!”

A Banquette in Honor of the Jay Cutler Era

I just don’t know, man.

I’ve bounced it around in my head for a few days, and my position on the recent seismic shift in the NFL has been in a constant state of aftershock.

Of course, I’m referring to Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelou’s Texas No Limit, “all-in” style trade of Kyle Orton, two first-round picks, and a third-round pick for Jay Cutler, a fifth-round pick, an ounce of shimmering pixie-dust and magic smoke (for shock-and-awe affect), and a box of disposable diapers.

My initial reaction to this trade was recorded in Facebook as, “ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! GODDAMNIT SONOFABITCH!!!! LKEWRJF EOOLK MB ,MLKJ”.

In my defense, how could my reaction have been any different after trashing Cutler all week during his lover’s spat with the Denver Broncos organization and their new head coach, Shady McTwoface? Why mortgage our team’s future for a petulant, unproven premadonna, who will no-doubt be a polarizing figure in the locker room?

In contrast to Cutler’s incessant whining and bleating, Kyle Orton remained silent and professional from the opening trade rumors to the actual announcement. Granted, given his penchant for parties and drunken benders, he was probably passed-out on an empty keg in a frat-house as the news was breaking. Still, way to show that immature crybaby Cutler how a professional reacts to trade rumors, Kyle.

Initially, this “win now” gamble seemed flawed at best, and frankly, I’m still talking myself into it… but it just might work.

Sure, Jay Cutler comes across as a spoiled child, but ironically, that might work in the Bears’ favor. As a child growing up in Indiana, Cutler’s favorite team was the Bears. In essence, playing for his favorite team now would be fulfilling a lifetime ambition. Also, Cutler just left a situation where trust and communication with his head coach had flat-lined shortly after the head coach was caught trying to arrange a trade for Cutler. As a result, Cutler perceives the Broncos coach as a dishonest, low-down, no-good, double-dealing, swindler. (The previous sentence sounds better if you say it aloud while impersonating Billy-Dee Williams.)

By contrast, Coach Lovie Smith is widely respected in the locker room, and Cutler could benefit from Coach Smith’s “quiet mentoring” approach. It’s like a woman breaking up with Chris Brown before discovering that Justin Timberlake is available, and is an interested gentleman caller. Or if you’re from my generation, it’s like a woman leaving Bobby Brown for Johnny Gill. That new relationship will seem infinitely healthier than the previous one.

Obviously, once my initial shock wore off, my personal bias against Cutler and what I perceive as his inflated sense of self-entitlement slowly gave way to the reality that my Bears may have been catapulted from perennial, mediocre bubble-team to a bonafide contender.

In addition to the arrival of Jay Cutler, the Bears signed veteran and seven-time pro-bowl offensive tackle Orlando Pace. Sure Pace is a bit long in the tooth, but he probably has two or three more good years left. Besides, his veteran presence and work-ethic should provide a galvanizing effect on the other offensive linemen, giving Cutler the protection he needs to throw to Hester, Olsen, and… uhm… whoever lines-up at the number-two wide-out position. Combine the retooling of our passing attack with the already proven power-run game spearheaded by Matt Forte, and suddenly the Bears offensive execution sounds more like an overture to an ominous onslaught than a prelude to a hilarious punch-line.

As for Kyle Orton, like Rex Grossman before him, I will always have a soft-spot for him, no matter how frustrated he made me. In Orton’s situation, it’s difficult to make a case for even a proven field general who can rally his troops to victory when frequently, I found myself openly wondering if my 14-year-old daughter could throw further than him. Like Grossman, Orton resembled a cuddly, furry team mascot who frequently peed in your bed, chewed on your shoes, or left putrid-scented pyramids on your freshly-cleaned carpets. But once in the blue moon, he also chased away burglars or warned you when the kitchen curtains were on fire, so you put up with him and even fed him steaks from time-to time. Farewell Kyle Orton. I will probably miss your neckbeard most of all.

Verily, as I bid a bittersweet farewell to Kyle Neckbeard Noodle-arm Orton, I say huzzah to the Jay Cutler era! So I don’t like Jay Cutler’s attitude or the actions he took to force a trade. Big deal. I put up with Chicago Bulls power-forward Dennis Rodman for three years because he was the best rebounder there was, though he was also a cross between Terrell Owens, the Cobra Kai Sensei, and the transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I can root for Cutler’s success as a Bear, as long as he delivers on my now lofty expectations.

And the bar has definitely been raised. Prior to this trade, all the average fan could realistically hope for was a victory, or even a series sweep of the hated Green Bay Packers. This trade raises the stakes considerably. Now, anything below a 10-6 season… no wait… anything less than a playoff appearance is a colossal failure.

No pressure, Jay, but Chicago offers you either a banquette in your honor, or a last meal (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Either way, eat hearty, pal.