Week 17 NFL Picks: Christmas Loot

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and safe Christmas, happy Hanukkah, festive Festivus, or an enjoyable time participating in whatever holiday you subscribe to, even the pagan goat horn-blowing, barking at the moon ones. Before I get to the final weekly NFL picks of the regular season, here’s a tally of some of my notable Christmas loot:

Chicago Bears fleece zip-up hoodie and skully – This is the pinnacle of all gifts for me. If you’re a friend, a loved one, or just a stranger with the need to bribe me, simply purchase me an XXL Chicago Bear hoodie and I am instantly in your debt. It doesn’t even matter if I already have the hoodie you just bought. It just makes it easier to cycle through the laundry. Let me speak plainly; I can never have too many Chicago Bears hoodies.

The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human (Paperback) – This is the gift that keeps on giving. It is an unauthorized publishing of a collection of the funnier Chuck Norris jokes filtering throughout the internet. Through the kindness of my wife, my trips to the crapper are once again a hilarious experience. Speaking of which…

Pooping Santa candy dispenser – Simply described, this is a plastic recreation of a giddy, squatting Santa dispensing chocolate candies from an opening in his pooper. I know! Totally classy, right?

Ghost Recon 2: Advanced Warfighter for PSP – I was gracious in receiving it, but two things prevent my enjoyment of this gift.

(1) I purchased my PSP solely for playing Madden 08. Once I reached the point when I was defeating the CPU on All-Madden level by the average score of 44-7, like Alexander the Great, I wept, for I had no more worlds to conquer. As a result, I haven’t picked up my PSP in months. Even now, the display is covered by a fine layer of dust.

(2) My military game interest is largely strategic-theatre based instead of the ground-pounding first-person tactical genre that currently dominates the market. I don’t care how a simulated terror cell is eliminated as much as I’m interested in my simulated global domination of the Western hemisphere. I cannot conquer an entire continent with a twenty-man platoon from Seal Team 6, no matter how well-trained they are.

Darth Vader keychain – My wife observed that my previous Darth Vader keychain was damaged. Shuddup.

But enough about me. I will now confront these picks.

NOTE: Week 17 picks are frequently difficult due to several mitigating factors. Some powerhouses, having already secured top seeded playoff berths, pack it in and send out their C-game, saving their A-game for the playoffs. Other contenders on the bubble tend to throw the kitchen sink at their opponents. Scrappy teams that barely missed the playoffs revel in destroying the playoff chances of teams that are still in contention. Bottom-feeding teams with no heart just show up to cash their checks. My point is that what’s displayed on the field during week 17 is not necessarily an indication of what the teams are about. Basically, sports betters should find something less risky than betting on Week 17 games like skydiving or having unprotected sex with Pamela Anderson.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Here are my picks. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

ATLANTA FALCONS (10-5) -14.5 over St. Louis Rams (2-13)
The Good News: Rams Coach Jim Haslet may become the first interim head coach of the season to shed the uninspiring “interim” label.

The Bad News: He’ll probably have to settle for the head coach mantle of St. Peter Elementary School’s Beaver-Pup squad (The Fightin Beavers.)

New England Patriots (10-5) -6.5 over BUFFALO BILLS (7-8)
The Pats are playing for their playoff lives while the Bills are playing to break even, which is a traditional goal of any Dick Jauron-led team (Jauron currently holds an overall head coach record of 57 wins, 75 losses, including a 35–45 regular season record as head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1999-2003. Basically, the fatted calf has been prepared for slaughter.)

Week 17 NFL Picks continues here

Week 16 NFL Picks: Snow Day

Most Midwesterners scoff when Seattle residents complain about receiving a few snow flurries. As a native Chicagoan, I was once one of those scoffers. Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered two things: (1) Driving in the snow on the flat terrain of the Great Plains is drastically different from the steep hills of the Puget Sound region and (2) I’ve never actually driven in the snow through any terrain before.

That made yesterday’s drive home through the snow drifts of Greater Seattle all the more harrowing. What was normally a leisurely 45-minute commute became a two-hour white-knuckled joyride to the Apocalypse. I would have been almost as comfortable in the passenger seat offering suggestions to my driverless, wayward Toyota Matrix.

Somehow, through a combination of my limited driving skills and the idiocy of fate, I emerged unscathed. Unwilling to test my luck again, I opted to check the weather reports in the morning.

Obviously, I did not expect to awaken to several more inches of snow in my driveway, nor did I anticipate being awakened by “thunder-snowing”. I’ve never encountered thunder-snowing before. Never imagined it was possible. Nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, or Biblical tales have never mentioned thunder-snowing, so imagine my shock and horror.

The bad news is, assuming the weather had some perverse vendetta against me, I took a snow day and stayed home. The good news is that I had plenty of time to devote to my weekly NFL picks.

(Week 16 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 15 NFL Picks

In an unprecedented event, I am picking all favorites this week. That’s right, 100 percent favorites, across the board.

I didn’t do it intentionally to be ironic or cool. I didn’t do it because I was feeling cowardly, brazen, or even lucky. My motivation wasn’t even laziness, like it normally is (Speaking of laziness, I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week’s picks. I’m squeezing this week’s article between Christmas shopping, two flag football tournaments, and suppressing my gag-reflex while watching my Bears offensive unit flail about like baby seals trying to escape a poacher’s club. Not a good look, Chicago.)

I sat down and reflected deeply upon this week like a Zen master, using scented candles and index cards. Alright, so I guzzled Bourbon and picked from my gut like I always do. But still, though I’m slightly unnerved by the symmetrical properties of this week’s picks, screw it. I’m sticking with it.

On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS

Thursday night’s game
CHICAGO BEARS (7-6) -2.5 over New Orleans Saints (7-6)
Drew Brees is historically not a fan of Chicago’s frozen turf. It chafes his backside.

Why I was right: All I know is that his was one of the worst games I’ve ever watched in terms of mutual offensive decision-making and execution. It was as if both head coaches picked random foreign exchange students to call their plays. Just flat-out painful to watch.

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5) -2.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
The Bucs “ferocious” run defense has a suspect chin. Atlanta exploits the combo revealed by the Panthers last Monday.

Washington Redskins (7-6) -6.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-11)
Though there’s drama in D.C., ‘Skins fans needn’t worry; my mother-in-law could run for 150 yards against the Bungles, even after a Red Bull and Grey Goose.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4) -16.5 over Detroit Lions (0-13)
HELP WANTED: Quarterback for a professional football team residing in a steel wasteland once known as Detroit. Leader of men needed in a catastrophically hopeless cause. Must have… (Week 15 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 14 NFL Picks (Rehabbed)

And now a moment of truth; last week’s picks were almost as successful as a homosexual gangster rapper. After a few successful opening weeks, I have gradually fallen-off as the façade of my genius was slowly peeled away. It could be argued that this season’s picks have paralleled Britney Spears’ career, with last week being my combined K-fed, shaved head, toddler-driving, baby-dropping, MTV Awards stoned stripper performance.

Like Britney said, what the hell was I thinking?

This week, I turn it all around. I’m going to rehab, cleaning-up my image, going on a diet, and staging a contrived interview to rejuvenate my career. If Britney can make a comeback, so can I, dammit.

On to the picks (home team in CAPS)

Week 14 NFL Picks continues here