Week 13 NFL Picks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! No filler today! I’m skipping the appetizers and rushing right in to rip off a turkey leg before Andy Reid can throw an ill-advised challenge flag or battle Mike Holmgren to the death for the right to mismanage a two-minute egg-timer while blaming their players for scorching the gravy.

Let’s get right to the meat.

Thursday, Nov 27, 2008

Tennessee Titans (10-1) -11.5 over DETROIT LIONS (0-11)

Week 12 NFL Procrastinated Picks

Yeah, I know. I’m even later this week than I was last week. What can I say? Life is coming at me pretty fast and furious. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve yet to come up with a valid plan for hording all the roasted turkey and dressing I can gather with minimal social appearances. If only I could figure out a way to retrieve the homemade fixins’ without all the insufferable familial bonding and frivolous informal topical conversation.

It is a common misconception that being a selfish cad is an easy feat. It takes great skill and cunning to ruthlessly capitalize on the loving, painstaking labor of others. Just ask any unscrupulous executive looking for a government buyout.

Next week I’ll submit my picks well ahead of schedule so I can fully concentrate on my turkey burglary. For now, here are my picks for week 12:

Home team in CAPS

Thursday night’s game: Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) +10.5 over PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3)
If an underdog can’t cover a double-digit spread, then that team has no heart. Am I right or am I right?

Reason why I was wrong: Apparently, the Bengals have no heart. After Thursday night’s “effort”, Coach Marvin Lewis might be an endangered species.

How bad was it? (Week 12 NFL Picks continues here)

Week 11 NFL Procrastinated Picks

I was supposed to get these picks to Caitlin before Thursday night’s game. Well, I don’t actually have a deadline, but I do have my own personal code of conduct and, well frankly, I’ve failed myself this week.

But I have good excuses reasons! My work-hours fluctuated wildly. I had numerous events and not nearly enough time. My wife’s birthday was this week. My dog ate my homework.

Ok, so I don’t own a dog.

Fortunately, I came up with a new idea to deal with the game that just wrapped up. I’ll post my pick for tonight’s game anyway, along with a brief sentence on why I was proven right or wrong. In fact, the one-sentence theme got so good to me that I tried keeping the format for the entire column, with varying degrees of success/failure.

I went with the observant statement. I borrowed from classics and Eastern philosophy. I even waxed poetically, weaving metaphors together like some kind of… hell… I dunno… metaphor-weaver.

Shut-up! What do you want from me? I’m tired!

On to the picks (home-team in CAPS)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3.5 over New York Jets
…and mighty Brett Favre gazed upon his all-time interception record of 300 and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

Why I was wrong about this pick: The fact that Matt Cassel cannot hit Randy Moss on a go-route, combined with a bruising, physical cornerback who isn’t afraid to jam him, reduced Moss to a sulking, crappy Napoleon Dynamite impersonation for most of the night.

(My Week 11 NFL Picks continue here)

Week 10 NFL Picks

Can you feel the history? The weight of this momentous occasion weighs heavy on my consciousness. I feel it stirring the leaves in the air. The electricity of this event is palpable. It’s like sharing intimate foreplay with your girlfriend at the very moment she mastered that tricky gag-reflex.

But as impossible as it may sound, it’s actually greater than even that.

On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama won the Presidency of the United States. As a Black man who never thought he’d live to see this day, I’ve thus-far been unable to find the words to describe my elation.

I’ll try to put it into perspective. Prior to Election Day, I spent my evenings trying to get fired-up about the NBA season.

(article continues here)

My “Goulish” Week 9 NFL Picks

Happy Halloween everyone! I know it’s a bit late in the game, but in keeping with today’s theme, and due in no small part to the fact that my recent picks have been a house of horrors, I submit my picks in trick-or-treat format.

(NOTE: You can tell that I didn’t switch my picks because I’m mostly wrong, as usual.)

BUFFALO BILLS (5-2)-5.5 over New York Jets (4-3)

Trick: Brett Favre is a giving soul who loves throwing touchdowns to his teammates.

Treat: Sometimes he gets carried away with his generosity and throws a few touchdowns to the opposing team too.

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3)-12.5 over Detroit Lions (0-7)

Trick: The Bears are not taking the Lions lightly, with many of the players stating in the press that Detroit isn’t the same team they destroyed weeks earlier.

Treat: Detroit’s fecal-salad costume smells just as bad as their turd-sandwich costume. OK, so maybe that’s a treat for just me.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)-7.5 over CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-8)

Trick: Chad Ocho Cinco was mandated by the league to wear his previous name, Johnson, on the back of his jersey for the duration of this season though he legally changed his name.

Treat: Fortunately for him (and mercifully for the still winless Bengals) his season his half-over.

CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-4)-1.5 over Baltimore Ravens (4-3)

Trick: Tight-end Kellen Winslow was suspended last week for coming clean about his staph infection, speaking up for his teammates, and putting his team in a bad light by refusing to lie about it. What?

Just a sec… what?

Treat: Cleveland’s favorite soldier will be plenty rested and eager to unleash some pain this weekend.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-5) +2.5 over Arizona Cardinals (4-3)

Trick: Kurt Warner on the road in the stadium that once reverberated with the power of his 99 and 01 MVP performances. Awkward…

Treat: The field turf that replaced the original Astroturf is much softer, which will cushion his falls after he surrenders numerous sacks .It will also make his frequent fumbles bounce less erratically, giving him the opportunity to fall on a few of them.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-4)-4.5 over Houston Texans (3-4)

Trick: Figuring out how to tackle Adrian Peterson. Good luck with that.

Treat: watching AP go through the Texans defense like the scene from The Last Boy Scout, only to realize that unlike the guy from that scene, AP isn’t actually killing his opponents by firing a sidearm. That’s just how he rolls.

TENNESSEE TITANS (7-0)-6.5 over Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Trick: The Titans are still undefeated with Kerry Collins starting at quarterback.

Treat: With a defense as stout as theirs, they’d probably be undefeated with Joan Collins starting at QB.

(Read the rest of my picks here)