OK, perhaps I’m overstating a bit. I’m just happy that I get to see what kind of team my Bears are fielding this year. The following is a real-time assessment of my guys:
Ugh! In the Bears’ first nationally televised game of the season, Rex Grossman just concluded a six-snap session that included an interception and two fumbles. I know this is pre-season, but dude, come on. What’s really goin on right here? I can’t believe I was actually jazzed about this game. I just might need a grief counselor if this continues.
Cedrick Benson is averaging less than four yards per carry. Not only that, but he appears to have no football I.Q. when in open space. He took a screen pass for 8 yards, but could have easily turned it into 15-20 yards if he had only been patient and ran behind his blocking. Instead, he streaked into the flat, past his blocker and into the waiting arms of a diving Colt. I don’t want to second-guess management’s decision of trading last year’s workhorse, Thomas Jones, away to the Jets, but… well… let’s just say that the jury’s out on this one.
On the upside, the special teams and defensive units are still clicking. Devin Hester almost took one back to the house, and his backup return specialist almost took one home too. Two really good returns, and the defense, placed in several poor situations by Grossman miscues, yielded only 7 points in the first quarter when they could have easily given up 21. In other words, we have more of the same extraordinary game-changing plays, snatching victory from the jaws of Rex.
Wow. Another offensive series, another Grossman fumbled snap-exchange. I think it’s time for me to start drinking now. Canadian Whiskey and Pepsi should take the sting away just a bit. Anyway, somehow, we scored. I don’t know how. I can’t bring myself to watch Rex run another play. It’s like watching a hot platonic girlfriend get drunk and make an ass of herself by dancing on the speaker in a night club. You resist the urge to stop her, but you just know that at some point, she’s going fall and bust her ass.
Bears force a fumble after kicking off… our special teams take the ball away from the Colts. Finally, some familiar scenes I can deal with.
The Bears second-unit offense takes on the Colts second-unit defense. Quarterback Brian Griese looks sharp and throws a touchdown pass. Now before anyone tries to say we have a quarterback controversy, allow me to restate that Griese is lighting up the Colts’ second unit. In other words, he is lighting up a bunch of backups. I wouldn’t drink the Griese cool-aid just yet. He sucked last year in real-game situations, and he’s established a career of mediocrity. But with that said, at least he can take three or four snaps without fumbling (Unlike Rex).
The Colts’ second-unit offense scores a touchdown against the Bears’ second-unit defense. We have officially entered garbage-time, where the unsigned free-agents and rookies do what they can to make their respective teams.
At halftime, the score is tied, 17 to 17. I think I’ll wrap-up here.
So what have I learned, aside from the fact that watching the Sex Cannon in action compels me to drink mass amounts of liquor and contemplate cutting myself? I’ve learned that for all of their off-season horn-tooting, my Bears’ offense looks like a continuation from last season, with inconsistent and downright crummy play from Rex. Also, our primary offensive run contributor has been replaced by what appears to be a musclebound dreadlocked cadaver wearing cleats. Perhaps I should re-do my Bears regular season predictions?
NFL Football is coming. Our long national nightmare of sports scandals and boring-assed baseball games is nearly over! Hallelujah! Take my hand and sing with me!
“Bear-down, Chicago Bears! Let every play lead the way to victory…”.
I’m particularly excited this year because not only are my Chicago Bears relevant again, but they will be defending their NFC Conference Champion crown. I’m known for mocking New York Yankee fans’ obnoxious assumption that Major League Baseball just isn’t right unless the Yanks are competing for a title, but I find myself guilty of the same thing when it comes to my Bears in the NFL.
But let’s be real here… the NFL is much better off with one of it’s oldest, most recognizable teams being a playoff contender again. All seems right with the world now. Well, except for that minor part where we lost the Superbowl.
Speaking of which, it’s been six months since my Bears lost the Superbowl, and only now am I fully appreciative of my Bear’s achievements last year. Sure, we lost a game we probably could have won had Grossman not crapped his huggies and pooped the football repeatedly, but still, I find myself looking back on the season as a whole quite fondly. What a year that was. Those guys were something special.
And just for the heck of it… because I just can’t get enough of watching that defense go completely bananas…
Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, Devin Hester likes to return kickoffs for touchdowns. You’d think that at some point, teams might have caught on and kicked away from him, but…
You know, I complain about my Bears a lot, but my loyalty to them has never wavered. Thank you Chicago Bears, for an awesome season.
Besides, second place isn’t so bad when these are the runner-up prizes…
Kinda makes you wanna go out and lose a Superbowl or two, doesn’t it?
But anyways, that was last year. It’s time to focus on this year. Obviously, after two winning seasons in a row, the NFC Champion Bears won’t be sneaking up on anyone this year. Every team we face will give us their absolute best, and we must step up and answer the bell (Notice how I tend to oscillate between “us” and “them” when referring to my Bears? It’s almost like when my son is “my boy” while he’s shredding some young jabroney in football or basketball, but he’s “that boy” when he brings home a crappy report card or breaks my stuff. The same principle applies.)
Here are my predictions for all 16 regular season games:
9/9 Bears @ CHARGERS, 3:15 PM - I think the Bears will come out flat in their opener. On paper, San Diego just looks too strong to be beaten on their own field in the first week. Bears lose.
9/16 Bears VS. CHIEFS, 3:15 PM - Last I checked, Kansas City still hasn’t learned how to play defense, and I don’t recall which quarterback will be destroyed and/or rendered shellshocked by the Bears’ front seven. The Bears steamroll them in a laugher. Bears win.
9/23 Bears VS. COWBOYS, 7:15 PM - The Cowboys were a botched field goal away from eliminating the Seattle Seahawks from the playoffs last year, causing me to throw a mini-fit because I knew my Bears stood a better chance of defeating the Cowboys than the Seahawks. While I was legitimately afraid of the Hawks, I didn’t respect Dallas at all… And I still don’t. This game will determine if the Cowboys are good or just lucky. I say they’re lucky. Bears win.
9/30 Bears @ LIONS, Noon - I can still hear the Detroit fans chanting in the distance. Can you hear them? I’m way in WA State, but I can still hear faint cries that sound a lot like, “FIRE MATT MILLEN!” Or something like that. The Bears will be sporting and replace all starters with members of the practice squad and still win by a slim margin, 167 to 3. Bears win.
10/7 Bears @ PACKERS, 7:15 PM - The recent history of the NFL’s oldest rivalry has each team winning on the other’s home turf. I don’t see a change in the pattern this year. Bears win this one in Green Bay. Bears win.
10/14 Bears VS. VIKINGS, Noon - Uhm, who is the Viking’s quarterback again? Anyone? Anyone at all? Bears win.
10/21 Bears @ EAGLES, 3:15 PM - This is normally right about the time when Rex Grossman either fractures his uterus, or decides, “You know what? I think I’m gonna throw the ball to members of the other team more than my teammates, just to shake things up a bit.” Eagles defense rules the day, and the Eagles’ QB, either McNabb or his backup, Whatshisname McMediocre, does just enough. Bears lose.
10/28 Bears VS. LIONS, Noon - Just what the doctor ordered after a crappy performance last week… The Lions drop by to expose their soft underbellies to the Bears again. Bears win.
11/11 Bears @ RAIDERS, 3:15 PM - After a bye week, the Bears head west. I was actually afraid of this game until two things happened: (1.) Wide Receiver Randy Moss was traded away to the Patriots and (2.) Daunte Culpepper was signed as the Raiders’ QB. Awesome. Just awesome. In a game full of miscues, turnovers, and shitting the football, Daunte out-craps Grossman. Bears win an ugly one.
11/18 Bears @ SEAHAWKS, 7:15 PM - Another west coast trip, but this time the Bears aren’t so lucky. It’s the law of averages. The Bears beat this playoff contender twice in a row, embarassing them in the regular season game and squeaking by them in an overtime playoff victory. You don’t think the Seahawks will be fired-up for this one? You don’t think the Hawks circled this one on their schedule? You don’t think the Bears will be travelling about 1500 miles, only to face a fired-up team and fired-up fans in one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL? The Bears will be walking into a buzz saw. Bears lose.
(NOTE: The above only applies if the Hawks are having a winning season. Seahawks fans are notoriously fair-weather, and if the Hawks are suckin by the time of this game, the “fans” go into the witness protection program or sumthin. Yeah, I said it. What?)
11/25 Bears VS. BRONCOS, Noon - If this game was played in Denver I’d be scared. But since it’s being played in Chicago, well I’m still scared. The Broncos have always scared me for one reason or another. Like they say in the Star Wars series, I got a bad feeling about this… Bears lose.
12/2 Bears VS. GIANTS, 3:15 PM - Yay! Eli Manning’s coming to town! Everybody make a wish! Will it be one interception or seven? Just in time for the holidays. Bears win.
12/6 Bears @ REDSKINS, 7:15 PM - You know, that Clinton Portis guy is a pretty tough customer at running back. He’s hard to stop… What? He’s injured again? Hmmmm… well this game is four months away. Surely he’ll be healed by then, right? And besides, the Redskins also have… uhm… uhh… hmmmm. Bears win.
12/17 Bears @ VIKINGS, 7:30 PM - This has all the makings of another one of Grossman’s patented “Oops! I Crapped my Huggies!” performances. But our defense saves the day. Bears win.
12/23 Bears VS. PACKERS, Noon - As I mentioned in their previous meeting on this schedule, the home team always gets their ass handed to them. Packers play the Bears in Chicago. Ouch Time. Bears lose.
12/30 Bears VS. SAINTS, Noon - Normally, I’d think that the Saints would be up for exacting some amount of vengeance for being eliminated by the Bears in the Conference Championship. But they’re a dome team who will be playing in Chicago in December. Besides, Saints QB Drew Brees had great difficulty figuring out the Bears defensive scheme last year. I’m expecting more of the same this year. Bears win.
That puts the Bears at 11 wins, 5 losses. in their anemic NFC North Division, that should be enough to lock up a third straight Division Championship and maybe even a first round playoff bye.
Posted by Barry Dawson IV 
Posted by Barry Dawson IV 