Super Bowl XL: Crap-Tastic, Crap-Stravaganza

Worst. Superbowl. Ever.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Seahawks 10.

Based on my scorecard, the Steelers still win, but the margin was much closer, and there was an unexpected participant:

Adjusted Score: Steelers 17, Seahawks 14, Referees 14.

Though I wasn’t really backing either team, as a pro-football fan, I was hoping for a well-played, highly contested Superbowl. Obviously, I was disappointed with the results.

I’m sympathetic to Seahawk fans, but my sympathy can only be stretched so far. Biased refs? Shuddup, and let it go. It’s funny how everyone mentions the examples of calls that benefited the Steelers, but no one mentions the Seahawk fumble that was ruled an incompletion during the second quarter. That loose ball would have been easily scooped up by a Steeler with plenty of blockers in front of him, yet the refs, in their infinite wisdom, blew their whistles prematurely, and as every football fan knows, an incomplete pass is not reviewable by replay. So much for biased refs. Though the officiating crew was not biased, they were clearly an incompetent band of blind-mice who contributed to stinking up what should have been an exciting contest.

The local sports analysts and so-called “twelfth man’s” incessant crying, whining, and bleating like sheared-sheep in January only sullies what was a brilliant season by the Hawks. Let go of the bitterness.

As for the other culprits participants, well… To be blunt, the Steelers played crappy, the Hawks played crappy, the officiating was crappy, the halftime show featured a crappy, irrelevant, ancient English band who apparently replaced their former front-man, Mick Jagger with the Crypt-Keeper, and the Go-Daddy.com girl’s wardrobe malfunction didn’t expose any nipple whatsoever. In other words, this was the worst Super Bowl I ever watched. Having the season end this way is just tragic.

Assessing the Pre-game Hype…

I must admit, I honestly thought that the analysts would run out of things to say during the… what was it… like a 12-hour pre-game show leading up to Super Bowl XL? Between the over-analysis of everything Seahawk or Steeler-related (Noticably biased reporting against the poor hawks, but the local media more than made up for it by acting like jackasses all week), the unending highlights of Super Bowls past, and inexplicable interviews of non-sports-related celebrities and public officials, I find myself bouncing between fan heaven and hell.

What I find the most amusing is the level of feminine-side, or “inner-chick” that is willingly displayed by some of these “manly” sports analysts and former football legends. But you don’t have to take my word for it…

Random and often Paraphrased “Inner-Chick” Quotes Taken Completely out of Context

1.“Man-hugs are good !” Indeed they are. Nothing like a good, hearty soul-nurturing embrace from a scruffy-cheeked guy, especially if he’s wearing English Leather.

2.“…got a ball on the chin. Gotta love that.” Well, what’s not to love about that?

3.“Coming up, Kenny Mayne makes nachos with Martha Stewart.” Oh I can’t wait. Wifey astutely quipped, “That’s gotta be the national time for beer-runs.”

4.A convo between ESPN analysts wraps with the following:

Analyst 1: ”It’s not about who’s the best. It’s about who’s the hottest right now.”

Analyst 2: “Well who’s the hottest?”

Analyst 3: “Why, you are!”

Analyst 2: “Thank you!”

Then they immediately throw it down to a sideline reporter with an uncomfortable expression on his face, having overheard the “hot” manly love-fest.

5.“The field looked so pristinely beautiful that I had to spit, but I waited until I crossed it. That’s how pristine it was.” Hey, any field that forces a guy to choke-back a giant luggie until he crosses it… well, that’s pretty freakin-pristine.

6.“He’s really, really, really good at manipulation inside the pocket.” Good pocket-manipulation, eh? Sounds like a keeper to me.

7.“He is what I call ‘hot’ right now.” Ahh… the hot, manly love continues…

8.Sean Salisbury and Ron Jawarski embrace on-camera. Stuart Jackson quipps, “That’s man-love right there.” Nuff-said.

9.“Oh we did lots of bad things…” -Martha Stewart. I know she’s a chick, but I had to throw that one in there. It would be criminal not to. By the way, the Martha interview was far more entertaining than I expected. Watching Kenny Mayne try to intentionally get under Martha’s skin and loosen the stick lodged up her hiney was high-comedy.

Of course, with all this “his-strogen” running amuck, leave it to Mike Ditka to bring this testosterone-driven festival back to its roots. Returning from a commercial break, assumingly unaware that his mic was on, Iron Mike put his stamp on the rolly-polly Jerome Bettis’ reported weight controversy:

“255 pounds, my ass!” After the laugher that erupted from this statement died down, he went on to elaborate that Bettis was about an “M&M” away from 305. After watching Jerome’s jersey scream for mercy week after week, I’d have to agree with that assessment.

I might have had more good quotes, but I was interrupted by the following conversation:

Wife: Do you hear that?

Me: Hear what?

Wife: That! That high-pitched humming sound. You don’t hear that?

Me: (straining to hear the sound) Yeah… I hear it…

Wife: It’s coming from the T.V. Isn’t that annoying?

Me: (hoping she doesn’t ask me to turn down the T.V. because the volume is the only way I’ll be able to hear over her unsolicited commentary) Uhm… It’s not that annoying…

Wife: Can we turn it down a bit?

Me: (oh sweet Jesus) If I turn it down, I won’t be able to hear. If it bugs you, how about I go in the room?

Wife: Oh nevermind. You know I want to watch this with you.

Obviously, after observing her pained expressions a few moments longer, I complied with her request, and as expected, this ended my little “documentary”. Oh well… was fun while it lasted.

There was also an interview with Condolezza Rice, and Bookie begged me to blog about it, but I’d much rather take a bath with a toaster, wash down a cyanide tablet with Drain-O, or soothe my crotch with a pot of scalding hot water than listen to anything that over-maybellined, jack-o-lantern had to say about anything, especially involving the sport I love.

Overall, I give the pre-pre-pre-game show a 8.5 our of 10 on the entertainment scale. Now it’s time for the game. I predict that the Steelers will win, but since my Wifey’s hometown is Olympia, WA, I really should back the Hawks… But I can’t fully back the Hawks because Holmgren’s affiliation with Green Bay conflicts with my allegiance with the Chicago Bears… Therefore, I’ll be cheering for a good game.

Final score: Pittsburg 31, Seattle 27.